My Girlfriend wants to take a stressful job and I foolishly set an ultimatum against it.

A Reddit user shared the struggle in his relationship after setting an ultimatum when his girlfriend considered taking a high-paying but stressful job. They had previously gone through a difficult time when she worked long hours in a similar role, and he fears it could lead to emotional turmoil again.

He now feels guilty for trying to control her decision and is unsure how to navigate his feelings, especially as she seems determined to take the job for financial reasons. To learn more about his journey and how others have approached similar challenges, read the full story below.

‘ My Girlfriend wants to take a stressful job and I foolishly set an ultimatum against it.’

We have been together for 7 years now. She (28 F) has been thinking about taking a stressful job which will leave her with no time to do anything. We did that before when we were right out of college and we didn’t have any money at all.

It was hard, I (27M) was able to handle the soul destroying nature of 60+ hours a week a bit better than her. She was a mess, She leaned a lot on me emotionally to get through it. She was close to burnout. she was starting to become unhealthy. She was also had a habit on lashing out on me.

She always apologized but I don’t like being yelled at. Being yelled at fucks me up and those 3 years where the only time we got into yelling matches. it was without a doubt the worst years of my life. we had to move for my job and she was able to get a much less stressful job and higher pay job.

She became much more happier. A lot less annoyed and we were able to patch our relationship our and grow closer. I told her that, if she took that job. I would have to think about where this relationship is going and if I can handle the emotional turmoil that comes with it.

I realized that it was not the right thing to do and I am a fool for letting my fears and panic take over make a m**ipulative attempt to force her to not take the job. I am planning to apologize for this. I thought we had paid our dues and could try to climb the ladder slowly. Try to build our life slowly.

Get married and start a family. We have talked about this and she says she wants all the same things but I don’t know anymore. She wants to take a job which has really great pay and would set us up for great things.

We are really comfortable right now and even if she takes another less stressful job, it would not be huge difference. She is promising me that she will handle it better this time (my emotional reaction is not to trust her on this, I know that is unfair but she almost said the exact same words when we were in the bad patch after fights.)

but the thing is that if she doesn’t I don’t think I will have the courage to leave her when she is struggling. I won’t be able to deal with the guilt. I don’t know why she is doing this. We are doing well? I know that she isn’t a greedy or materialistic person. She loves her current workplace and culture.

She has scope for promotions. She loves her work. It seems really odd that she wants to switch all the sudden especially to something which would be soul destroying. when I asked her about it she said it is the money and I asked her if it is worth the money she just shrugged and changed the topic.

someone pointed out that it could something may have happened at her current work, I really fear I have fucked things up due to setting an ultimatum and hurt her feelings a lot.

I feel like a s**tty boyfriend. She was willing to move for me even when she was reluctant to do it. She has pointed out that I am placing my career above hers and that I didn’t get to dictate what she did with her career.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

automator3000 −  It doesn’t seem like the problem here is that she’s considering a stressful job. You don’t mention anywhere that you’re worried that her working long, hard hours will negatively impact your ability to be a couple, her ability to help out with housework, etc.

Instead, what you’re writing about being worried about is that if she takes a stressful job with long hours, you’ll have a repeat of her using you as a punching bag when she’s stressed out.

In other words, your ultimate wasn’t “If you take this job, I’ll need to rethink this relationship.” Your ultimatum actually was: “If you go back to verbally abusing me, I’ll need to rethink this relationship.“

RoseSummers12 −  She is right that you don’t get to make her professional decisions etc for her, HOWEVER, if she is going to take this job and not have a repeat of the past (eg lashing out), you will both need an action plan.

Whether we like it or not, our jobs, income and other practical aspects of ‘life’ can have an impact on our partners. Although we shouldn’t be making our personal decisions just for our partner, being in a healthy relationship sometimes demands compromise and at least consideration of how our choices will affect our significant other.

In regards to an “action plan”, how is she going to deal with the stress? It’s no good saying you’ll “deal with it”, you need to have an idea of how. Will she agree to start seeing a professional (eg therapist etc) if the stress becomes to much?

Will she learn new HEALTHY coping mechanisms to employ when things become too much? Will you both work on developing a trigger to deescalate tension if it becomes too much? You will also need to set appropriate boundaries with her.

E.g if she needs to vent about work or gets snappy due to stress, but it gets excessive to the point it is affecting your mental well-being, you may need to set a firm boundary. Couples therapy can help with this if you are unsure of how to set healthy boundaries with each other.

E.g you can agree in advance that if you feel she is lashing out and the situation is escalating into a row, you can remove yourself from the situation temporarily to give you both time to come down.

Fighting often causes a physiological reaction in us (similar to fight or flight) that makes it very hard to think clearly or be generous and understanding to the other person. If you agree to remove yourself TEMPORARILY from instances where this occurs,

it will allow you both time to calm down and come back to each other to discuss the issue with more kindness. This is just one example of a boundary that may be worth discussing.There is nothing wrong with rescinding your ultimatum if you regret it, and having an open discussion with her about how you feel.

You can tell her that you regret giving an ultimatum, but you made it because you are scared of a repeat of past behaviours. You may not understand her reasons for wanting this job, but that doesn’t matter! It’s down to her at the end of the day,

but that doesn’t mean that you should just accept any unfair treatment that may arise as a result. You need to work together on this and figure out how you are going to combat it moving forward.

[Reddit User] −  People in the comments are insulting you for being a misogynist for not wanting her to take this job, but she has a history of being a**sive when she is working long hours.

iostefini −  You were right to set an ultimatum, but you set it about the wrong things. Your real fear is that the job will damage your relationship because she will take out her stress on you. So you should communicate that instead. “I am happy for you to take any job you want,

but I don’t want to go back to how our relationship was when you were so stressed all the time. If this new job means we return to you lashing out at me due to stress, I will have to reconsider our relationship because that’s not a healthy way for either of us to live.”

MermaidTailBlanket −  Sit her down, apologize profusely for the ultimatum, and tell her she’s well within her rights to take this job if she wants it, and that you will support her fully; however, you cannot tolerate another period of being yelled at and treated aggressively,

and she shouldn’t expect that from you anyway, under any circumstances, because that’s no way for anyone to live. So, as far as you are concerned, she can go ahead and take the job and you’ll be there for her; however, you have to be treated with respect, and that is non negotiable.

ComprehensiveBand586 −  You can’t dictate which job she takes. But you can decide for yourself what you cannot tolerate. If she starts lashing out at you again wait until she calms down and then remind her that you won’t tolerate being treated like that. Maybe she could do other things to destress if she doesn’t go to therapy like regular massages or something like that.

princessnora −  I think you should have another conversation and rescind the ultimatum. What strikes me is that you seem more confused about her motives/goals than anything else.

So start there, explain that the idea of her going into a high stress high hour job is making you nervous because she was so unhappy the last time you were in that situation. Yes it’s true you don’t want to go back to living that way, and you aren’t understanding why she wants to take this job.

Make the discussion about life goals and plans for the future relating to career and your family. Then you can bring up what exactly you’re not willing to live with should she be unable to handle the stress of the new job. Can you agree to a state of the union check in after 6 months?

Decide on a time at which she will reassess if the job is a good fit and if your relationship can handle the strain. What are her plans if it can’t? Sure technically her career is not your business and you can’t control it, but if you want to be in a relationship with someone your actions affect them and these decisions need to be made together.

thatrightwinger −  You don’t have to be a relationship that you think will be too stressful to appreciate. You set an ultimatum, and you’ll have to live with the consequences of any of the three outcomes.

If she gives in, you’ll probably have to deal with the short- to medium-term resentment until she’s in a situation that she feels is equal to it. If she takes the position, and you don’t go through with it, you’ll have to deal with the consequences of giving in and not standing up for what you said.

You can bow out gracefully and just hope that it’s not as stressful as you fear. It seems like you are headed down this route no matter what. If she takes the position, and you go through with your threat to consider leaving her, you’ll probably have to do just that.

You have every right to walk away from the relationship, but that will probably be the real end, and the relationship severed will probably never be repaired.
Your judgment is probably correct. She took a stressful job before, and it made you miserable. It will probably happen again. Prepare to live with that consequence.

Mountain_Roll_5858 −  Well being together 7 years you can do s**t like that. And it’s you a good boyfriend for giving her a ultimatum for the sake of her mental health . But she’s still a grown ass women and it’s her life ,she’s not going to take that well so apologize and get her some food .

Then next proceed to say “ I only did that because I rather se you happy then to stress when you don’t have to “ then tell her why like you told us. 👍

Eskaha −  Of course you don’t get to dictate what kind of career choices she makes, so you should absolutely apologise for the ultimatum. I also think your apprehension is understandable. So after apologising and making up with her, talk to her about how the new day to day will look like for the two of you.

Make a plan together. Show your support to make it work. But also, stand up for yourself and let her know that you can’t go through a period of fighting again. You’re her partner and support, not an outlet for her frustrations. Maybe propose counseling?

If everything you’re scared of now happens, she takes the job, becomes o**rwhelmed and uses you as her emotional punching bag again, take a step back. Try to calm down the situation first, then try to make her realise what just happened.

The way she reacts then is probably your answer. But I hope that doesn’t happen. It is possible that she will handle her stress differently this time. Again, I think counseling can help.