Not sure if I’m [27] overreacting to bf’s [30] joking.

A Reddit user shared their frustrations about their boyfriend’s hurtful behavior after revealing her disability income. While initially supportive, he has started making dismissive jokes about her financial contributions and belittling her during their house-hunting process.

Despite addressing her concerns, he dismisses her feelings, leaving her questioning whether the relationship is worth continuing. To find out more about their struggles and how others have responded, read the full story below…

‘ Not sure if I’m [27] overreacting to bf’s [30] joking.’

My bf and I have been dating for about 9 months, know each other almost two years, and things have been okay. There are a few hiccups here and there, but we’ve mostly worked those out. My bf works in an office and makes pretty good money, enough that both of us could live on, as he’s always telling me, unprompted.

I, however, am on disability and have been ever since I turned 19. I’ve had little part time jobs here and there, but nothing too high-paying or anything as I would lose my disability. We never spoke much about how much either of us made or where our income came from until three months ago when he started talking about moving in together.

A reason I don’t date much is because I’m always ashamed to tell people where my income comes from, as my disability isn’t exactly something you can tell from just looking at me. Btw, I’ve never asked him to pay anything for me, we often go dutch when we go out or one of us treats the other.

I live at home right now and have told him that I’m okay with moving in, but that I wouldn’t be able to contribute as much as he would be able to. That prompted the “serious” talk about income.

I told him how I got my money and he was quiet for a long time, said he never would have guessed and now my weird schedule made sense, and continued talking about moving in together. Since I thought everything was okay, I agreed and we started looking for places.

This is where things have started getting annoying and downright hurtful. We’ve seen a few places since we started looking, but mostly we have just been looking at places online. We’ll be looking on his laptop and see a place and start talking about what each of us wants or doesn’t want.

Sometimes, if I disagree with something he wants or doesn’t want, he’ll ‘joke’ and say something like, “I’m not sure you should have much say about XYZ as you won’t be paying as much as I will” or “My money talks louder than yours and says this is what we should get/not get” and then laugh and say,

“You know I’m just joking, I care about your opinions because you’ll be living there.” Or, twice, as we’ve been looking at places, he’s ‘joked’ to our potential landlord that they shouldn’t ask me any questions because the only thing I’m really doing is just putting my name on the lease/rental agreement.

I have never felt so embarrassed in my life, so I’ll go off and look at the rest of the place and avoid him and the landlord. This is not the only things, as he ‘jokes’ about a lot of things, especially since he found out about my income. He’ll say things like, “I’m so tired after working all day,

I wish I could just sit around like you do” or “It must be nice to get to sleep in every day, I wish I could do that, but if I don’t work, I couldn’t take care of myself” and they all feel like little digs at me. Now, I’ve known my bf for almost two years. He lived with his parents before we started dating,

where he did not pay rent or help with bills, didn’t do anything around his house and his mother and father will go on and on about that if it comes up, even though he had a job. He’s also not good with saving, so even though he was living free at home he did not have anything saved.

I’ve helped my parents with bills and help around the house, and have a very small savings, yet he keeps talking down on me as if all I do is just sit at home all day, collect a check, and don’t do anything with it. Believe me, if I could work regularly like him, I would be working.

It just seems like he’s gotten super snobby or something since and it’s been grating on my nerves. I’ve spoken to him on numerous occasions about this, but all he says is that I’m taking it too seriously and making a big deal out of nothing and refuses to talk about it any further.

I’ve asked if he is fine with the fact that I don’t work regularly and he says he’s fine with it and that, of course, he makes enough for both of us to live on, so it’s not a problem. However, again, he’ll throw in a dig and undo anything good he has said.

This is the reason I hate dating and relationships because unless you’ve got some amazing job somewhere people think you’re just some slob or something and it makes me feel so, so bad. Like, I don’t deserve to be dating anyone.

And while I’ve thought about leaving, I keep thinking I shouldn’t leave because will I ever find another guy who is okay with my income?. ​

See what others had to share with OP:

TiKi_Effect −  His joking is really showing you what he thinks of you. And if he will not stop after you have asked him (more then once even) then it says how little he respects you. At this time I say do not move in with him, you will regret it.

Because he will make those comments every time something needs to be paid, and every opinion you have will be vetoed because he pays for such and such. If you like/love him then just tell him his actions show you that you two are not quite ready to live together, but maybe still need to just date for a longer period.

basura_time −  Nooooooope. This is not just a red flag. This is an acrobat juggling red flags on a tightrope. Behind every joke is a truth, and this doesn’t even really seem like much of a joke in the first place.

He has a superiority complex and he’s going to use this embarrassment of you (which is already working, by the way) to control you. I don’t like jumping on the relationships “break up” bandwagon, but you really need to break up with this dude.

anubis_cheerleader −  ” And while I’ve thought about leaving, I keep thinking I shouldn’t leave because will I ever find another guy who is okay with my income? ” Look, I’m going to say something really, really blunt that applies (in my fairly uneducated opinion) to a lot of absolutist thinking.

Even if that is the case, so what? You break up with someone and you’ll be “alone.” Ok. Except for like…any friends you have made, any family you have, and anyone you might meet. Being with someone who makes you feel degraded, who makes you feel lonely, is worse than actually being alone a lot of the time.

I mean, obviously we all need social contact, but when you are alone you can make tea! You can paint! Write! Do projects, or watch TV, chill, go for a walk, whatever. What about being alone is so scary, OP? The answer is different for everyone.

anonymousgal7 −  You do NOT have to put up with this. There are good guys out there who would not only be okay with your income, but fully support you through it. Little jabs here and there might be something you can deal with now, but they’ll take their toll eventually.

And then you’ll be far more invested in the relationship. Just ask yourself if he’s doing this with you before you’ve even moved in, what will he be like when you’re living together and there’s bills/groceries to pay for? Or if you’d end up starting a family – what then?

I know it’s not an easy decision, but you have two choices here. Either have a chat with him about how hurtful these comments are (communication is everything!!!!) and hope it gets better, or realise your worth and leave.

As I said, there will 100% be someone else you could find who wouldn’t make fun of you for something that is completely out of your control.

IFeelMoiGerbil −  I was on disability for years and was often very ashamed because people would make the same ‘oh I wish someone would give me money for nothing’ type comments and pull the ‘as a tax payer’ type s**t along with all the ‘good claimant/bad claimant’ stuff generally particularly when they didn’t know I was on social security.

So when I met my BF and discovered he earned a six figure salary at a big global company it took me months to pluck up the courage to tell him my financial background. My weekly income was practically his hourly rate and it felt s**t.

He listened and had the same realisation about my weird schedule and then went quiet before saying ‘I hope you didn’t feel embarrassed. I should be embarrassed for not picking up the clues about your illness and not being so privileged about money or health.’

It brought us closer together and the fact he respected the effort budgeting and coping with social security rules and applications takes helped build my confidence so much I ended up going back to work last year.

I still earn very little compared to him (we live separately partly due to my disabilities and because we are poly) but he supports every penny I make because he knows I have to work twice as hard as a healthy person to earn it.

Also he loves learning the tricks I have for making money go further so we eat super well for about a quarter of his grocery budget before so we have more disposable income for fun stuff and savings.

I never knew people could value those skills and now I’ve discovered that I will never let people undermine them again because if you don’t respect that I am **on disability** you don’t respect I have **a disability** and you will let me down in the crises that causes.

The most loving thing my BF has ever done is get up at 5am to be escorted off a military base after a funeral, take a 5 hour train journey back to our city, take public transport for another hour and meet me at a social security hearing that I got the wrong date for and just say ‘same time tomorrow then?’ as I burst into tears.

Having a disability makes us feel like an unloveable burden but we aren’t. Disabled people (of all genders) are 4 times more likely to be victims of domestic abuse from caregivers such as parents or partners.

The risk is increased even more by certain types of disability such as intellectual or developmental disabilities or those that restrict independent movement.
Ableism often makes it inaccessible to reach services to leave and excuses the abuse as ‘caregiver burn out.’ Please listen to your gut instincts here.

It is hard to admit that our disabilities make us vulnerable even if we feel like we cope well with them otherwise. Currently this guy is common or garden s**tty but being ‘locked down’ by moving in or triggering changes to social security by co-habiting is a red flag for s**tty to turn a**sive.

dicksmear −  not overreacting, this is a pretty common form of abuse. my advice is do NOT buy a house with him

freudianslip9999 −  Can you imagine how much worse this will get when he’s able to hold his financial contributions, from which you’ll benefit, over your head? He sounds sadistic.

bear-mom −  These ARE all little digs at you. You are not overreacting. He’s being awful. This is the beginning stage of emotional abuse. He’s testing to see what you’ll take from him and still stay.

mandoa_sky −  oh honey, verbal abuse is still abuse, even when they try to pass it off as a ‘joke’

JustAsICanBeSoCruel −  Yeah, no. That’s not cool, at all. Those were digs for sure, not jokes, and him refusing to apologize means he’s just going to keep making those digs because he doesn’t feel bad about them and doesn’t care about making you feel bad.

OP, don’t move in with him, especially not until he apologizes and sees that it makes you feel crappy. I’m like you – I get pretty mortified when someone pays my way for anything because I feel bad for it, even when it’s on dates. If a guy ever made a dig like that to be about anything, that’d be it for the relationship.

So no, you are not overreacting, and this is not normal behavior for someone that isn’t bitter. There are PLENTY of men that would be sensitive to your scenario, and wouldn’t dream of saying the s**t he does. His behavior is only going to get worse – he’ll use it for fuel during arguments about anything,

just you watch – and it will escalate. If he’s already bitter now, imagine how he’s going to act when he’s actually paying the bills. Count your lucky stars he revealed his true character before you got stuck with him in a lease, because right now he’s on his very best behavior, hon. It’s only downhill from here, and you don’t deserve that kind of behavior.