Me (F29) with my BF (M31) of 3.5 years won’t help me clean or do things he doesn’t care about

A Redditor shares the challenges they’re facing with their boyfriend after moving in together in a new state for her Ph.D. program. Despite her efforts to balance her studies and maintain their shared space, her boyfriend insists on a “we only do the things we care about” approach to chores.

Leaving her feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. Attempts to address the imbalance have led to dismissive responses, sulking, and even escalating tensions. Now questioning the foundation of their relationship, she wonders if this issue signals deeper incompatibilities. Read the original story below…

‘ Me (F29) with my BF (M31) of 3.5 years won’t help me clean or do things he doesn’t care about’

This is a throw-away account. I recently moved to a new state with my BF because I started PhD school. He moved with me (back to the area he’s from, actually), and we’ve been living together since July. It’s been…rough.

When we first moved into our apartment, I did almost all of the unpacking since he was working full time and I hadn’t started school yet. There are still a few boxes laying around containing some of his odds and ends. I didn’t unpack those because I wasn’t sure where he wanted them.

He has still not dealt with them, and they’re currently stacked under his computer desk. I unpacked and set up all his other stuff, including his clothing, desk, etc. In October, my parents wanted to come and visit over my fall break.

BF was not very happy that they wanted to stay in our guest room/computer room, but he acquiesced after I asked multiple times (I really needed a yes or a no if they could stay with us so they could book a hotel if they needed to). In preparation for their visit, I did a LOT of cleaning.

The apartment hadn’t really been cleaned since we moved in and I did a first-round deep cleaning (it was kind of gross when we moved in). BF did not help at all. Granted, I have a more flexible schedule, but for part of the time,

he sat in the living room playing video games while I cleaned. (This is actually how those boxes of his ended up under his desk…I needed a place to tuck away his clutter). Two or three weeks later, our bathroom was getting pretty gross (growing mold in the shower, etc.).

I asked him if he would help me clean it over the weekend, and he told me, “No, you can do it. It’s not like it takes very long. You do the things you care about, and I’ll do the things I care about.” This sparked a fight where he said he did other things around the apartment like cooking.

That’s true, he does cook, but he cooks meat. Meat is not a balanced meal for me, so you know…I still cook veggies for myself. His division of labor ‘we only do the things we care about’ is…crappy. He did end up wiping the mold in the shower with a washcloth and leaving in on the side of the bathtub for a week until I finally dealt with it. Sigh.

Sometime later I asked if he could start wiping his pee off the toilet seat when it dripped. He sulked for a day and didn’t really talk to me, and then in a sort-of joking-but-it-isn’t-funny way kept saying ‘you don’t love me enough to wipe my pee.’

I tried to bring up the ‘we only do things we care about’ issue a few weeks after all of this. I told him I was having some doubts. He immediately asked me if I was moving out. I wasn’t prepared for that escalation, so I tried to back up and explain that by his logic,

what if we have a house next year (he wants to buy one) and he doesn’t care about yard maintenance? Would that mean that I’m responsible for both all of the cleaning and all of the yard maintenance? I wouldn’t have time to do all of that because of PhD school. His solution was that we should just keep renting the apartment.

Then I asked what if we have kids, and he doesn’t care about changing poopy diapers? When I brought up kids, he told me, ‘I’m not the one who bails on my responsibilities.’ He was referencing a fight we had last year. For the sake of brevity, I won’t get into it here, but I posted under a different throw away about it.

If you search “me (28F) with boyfriend (30m) and two kittens (3months)” you’ll find it. So that shut the whole thing down, and our division of labor is still ‘we only do things we care about.’ It’s not working for me, and he was not receptive to the feedback I tried to give him about my doubts.

It’s also not really about the cleaning per-say. I know we could hire a housekeeper, but I don’t think that would fix the root of my issue. I can’t quite pinpoint what my issue is, but there’s something here that’s causing me to question the relationship. I found a new therapist in my area, and I’m planning to work on this with her.

I’d like for him to come as well, but I don’t think he would be willing. I’m wondering what others think about this situation. If anyone has been in a similar situation, what did you do? Is there some example language I could incorporate next time I bring this up?

I’m also a little scared to bring it up without having a solid contingency plan in case it goes straight to moving out again. I mean, at this point, if I moved out,

at least me and the cats could live in a clean environment and I wouldn’t feel like his maid. As a final note, I by no means need my home to be an A+ on the cleaning scale. I can handle some mess, but this has been downright gross.

See what others had to share with OP:

guinnessmonkey −  I just finished reading this post, and your previous post about the kittens, and here’s my take: your boyfriend isn’t interested in being your partner, your equal. He seems to be guided primarily by selfish reasons, as evidenced in this gem pulled from your post about the kittens:

*”he starts talking about how I can’t handle the real world, he’s tired of always cleaning up my mistakes, how* ***he’s not better off now than he was two years ago when we started dating.****”* What does that mean?

It’s certainly the kind of comment I would expect from someone who is not committed to working on a relationship *together*. The same kind of person who, instead of wanting to talk things out, work together as a couple and solve a problem, immediately asks if their partner is moving out.

The same kind of person who deflects uncomfortable questions about his future and quality of character by digging up old mistakes and using it as ammunition. The same kind of person who, when embarrassed by his own actions, sulks and turns it into a joke.

I wonder: if, when he asked if you were moving out, you had said “yes,” how would he respond? Would he laugh and insult you? Help you pack your things? Beg you to stay? It’s important to understand this: he’s controlling and m**ipulative, and he might even think that what he’s doing is positive..

That’s he’s helping to guide you—this is especially evident from the things he said in your kitten post. Personally, I don’t think he’s worth it. He has a lot of growing to do—a LOT of emotional maturing. But you asked for some advice on language, so here goes… You want to be his partner, not his mother.

Only doing things one cares about is a rather juvenile philosophy, but a reasonable one, however one of those things—no, the most important thing—should be making sure you feel validated, cared for, listened to and respected.

There’s a pretty decent article titled, “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink.” Here’s a quick quote: ***‘Hey Matt! Why would you leave a glass by the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher?’***

Several reasons: 1.) I may want to use it again. 2.) I don’t care if a glass is sitting by the sink unless guests are coming over. 3.) I will never care about a glass sitting by the sink. Ever. It’s impossible. It’s like asking me to make myself interested in crocheting, or to enjoy yard work. I don’t want to crochet things.

And it’s hard for me to imagine a scenario in which doing a bunch of work in my yard sounds more appealing than ANY of several thousand less-sucky things which could be done.

**There is only ONE reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink.** A lesson I learned much too late: Because I love and respect my partner, and it REALLY matters to her. I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her ― literally causes her pain ― because it feels to her like I just said:

“Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.” **All the sudden, it’s not about something as benign and meaningless as a dirty dish.**

Now, it’s a meaningful act of love and sacrifice, and really? Four seconds? That doesn’t seem like the kind of thing too big to do for the person who sacrifices daily for me. I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass. I just have to understand and respect that she DOES. ​

I suggest reading the article and using it to put words to your feelings. Maybe share it with him, if you think he cares about you enough to take the time to read it. One last thing.

You mentioned wanting a “solid contingency plan” in case the conversation goes straight to moving out. If all he has for you is ultimatums, there’s nothing left for you here.. Good luck

Floricita −  I’m wondering what others think about this situation. You are living with an overgrown adolescent who does not respect you as an adult partner in the household. Women walk away from 5/10/15 year relationships like this every day.

I can’t quite pinpoint what my issue is, but there’s something here that’s causing me to question the relationship. Read “She divorced me because I left the dishes by the Sink. That should help you better articulate why you aren’t happy about his attitude.

You may indeed need counseling about some issues; your dissatisfaction with his attitude is not one of them. I’m also a little scared to bring it up without having a solid contingency plan in case it goes straight to moving out again. So get started on your exit plan. Find a place you can afford and make arrangements to move.

GrouchyYoung −  Maybe he’s irritable because a meat-only diet has made him constipated and deficient in vitamins. No, but seriously, he can shower in a moldy shower and only cook the things he likes BY HIMSELF for the rest of his life.

He doesn’t care about compromising or exerting himself in the slightest in order to make you feel happy or cared for. This isn’t partnership. This isn’t even courtesy. Don’t waste more time with him and definitely don’t buy property with him.

WavesnMountains −  It sounds like he escalated it to an obnoxious level in order to get his own way. Stop dating a toddler

Finn_Finite −  He’s a child who doesn’t care you’re exhausted from cleaning up after him. He’s doing everything in his power to wiggle out of any responsibility, and you’re letting him. Leaving the moldy rag in the open was an absolutely classic move.

It’s a way of “punishing” you for forcing him to clean – he makes it so unpleasant to deal with that you’re discouraged from ever asking again. A similar strategy is to deliberately do tasks wrong, even up to ruining things to ensure you’ll never be expected to do them again.

There’s a certain category of dude that jokes that a guy should always d**p bleach in the first load of laundry they do when a girl is over, so that they never have to do laundry. This isn’t fixable.

This is a bone-deep entitlement that leads him to believe you DESERVE to do all the cleaning. He’ll never admit it because he knows you don’t agree, but he will twist the entire universe to ensure he never, ever does his fair share.

JadeSpade23 −  “I’m not the one who bails on my responsibilities.” Um, ***yes you are***. It’s *his* responsibility to clean up after himself. He should also value you enough to at least try to care about what you care about. And if he really can’t care about your things (or clean!), then you shouldn’t be living together. At all. Maybe not dating either.

I read the kitten ordeal. There was something m**ipulative in his behavior. You were not wrong to return them if you felt, after nursing them back to health, that you wouldn’t be their best parent. It’s sad, but you didn’t just abandon them on a road.

He then made you feel more guilty, said that *he’d* take them, then it became joint custody, but they stayed with you when you brought them home. Just…odd… People who love each other support each other, want the best for them, and put an **effort** in to improve things when they’re bad.

I don’t see any of this going on (mostly on his side). Seriously, what are you getting out of this?? Sometimes people stay together because they don’t want to feel like the past few years have been a waste. Please don’t fall into that. If nothing else, learn from it, improve because of it, and pray he does the same!

I spent 3 years with a guy I shouldn’t have dated, and I just hope to God he became a better boyfriend after I broke it off. I, myself, learned more about what I need from the person I’m dating. So, serious question, what are you getting out of this? Is it worth the frustration? How much longer can you live like this before you break??

[Reddit User] −  This is concerning. He is doing a poor job discussing division of labor. If I knew more about you two, I might agree that he shouldn’t be doing the majority of the housework.

For instance, if you don’t work full-time because you’re in school, it’s fair for you to do the bulk of the housework while he does cooking and the odd dish or two. But for him to say it’s because he should only do what is important to him – that’s childish.

What advice would you give the Redditor? How would you approach a partner who refuses to share responsibilities fairly? Could this situation be a dealbreaker? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/OyfzE