My (35f) husband (34m) is upset I donated my wedding dress? How to tell him I don’t want to be reminded of our wedding?

A 35-year-old woman is struggling with the aftermath of her husband’s cold feet on their wedding day. After learning that he had fled the morning of their wedding and was only convinced to return by his father, she feels hurt and disconnected from the memory of that day.

To move forward, she donated her wedding dress and threw away a framed picture from the wedding, which has caused tension with her husband. She’s seeking advice on how to communicate her desire to not be reminded of the wedding without further upsetting him.

‘ My (35f) husband (34m) is upset I donated my wedding dress? How to tell him I don’t want to be reminded of our wedding?’

A few months ago I found out my husband got cold feet at our weddding. We have been married for 9 years, dating for 12, and I thought they were happy years. My FIL drunkenly admitted that my husband had fled the morning of the wedding with the help of his friends.

My FIL got wind of this and dragged him back and told him to either marry me or tell me he didn’t want to but not to leave me at the altar. He chose to get married. I had no idea about this. My wedding was a very special day. I felt beautiful and extremely happy.

I knew my husband was a bit tipsy but he had reassured me it was just nerves I felt completely numb. I talked with other members of the family and with my husband. He admitted that he fled because he was afraid of the future and what ifs. He didn’t want to marry me but he didn’t want to embarrass me either.

We have a framed picture of me at our wedding before the ceremony. I know now there is no similar picture of my husband because he had left. We also have my wedding dress in the closet. The wedding was one of the few times I felt beautiful. I’m much plainer than his exes but love made me glow.

But now I just see a naive woman. I walk past the wedding picture every day thinking about it. I can’t open my closet without seeing the wedding dress in its sealed bag. I tried hiding them but I kept thinking about it.

I didn’t want to be reminded. So I threw away the picture. I donated the wedding dress. Some bride will feel absolutely beautiful in it. That gives me happiness.

My husband saw that the framed picture was missing. I admitted I threw it out and donated the wedding dress. He completely shut down. How do I reiterate to him I don’t want any reminders of the wedding? I hope some bride out there will give the dress a new happiness

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Outside-Ad-1677 −  I don’t think this is about the dress. This is about the fact you believe your marriage is built on a lie because he fled and thus everything subsequent is tainted.

You two need a neutral third party to help you navigate all of these extremely strong and valid feelings. Marriage counseling/therapy to help you rebuild the trust of the relationship or help you decide if you want to leave the marriage.

Tamika_Olivia −  I think this is bigger than pictures and dresses. I think this is bigger than the wedding. Those are distractions from the bigger issue: your marriage. I think you need to reckon with how this information impacts how you feel about being married to him.

But that is too big and scary, so you are focusing on these other things. You had to know that throwing away the picture and donating the dress were likely to hurt him. Maybe that was your goal, maybe not. But it couldn’t have been a fact unconsidered. You and your husband need to have a serious talk about your marriage.

actualchristmastree −  “I feel unwanted and hurt now that I know you left on our wedding day. I do not want to remember that day and I don’t know what to do going forward “

SpiderByt3s −  How was your marriage before all this came to light?

Brave_anonymous1 −  Directly. Tell him what you wrote here: you don’t want any reminders about your wedding day around. It was one of the best days in your life so you cherished the photo and the dress. Now all they remind you of is that he fled and didn’t want to marry you. It hurts.

So you got rid of them._. Or just let him read the post. I am so sorry. It was really cruel and cowardly of him. You both need couples therapy, or at least you need individual therapy to understand what to do with it. It will eat you alive otherwise.

z-eldapin −  This is WAAAY bigger than reddit.

[Reddit User] −  He completely shut down? What did he expect. Does he not think you would be affected by this. Does he not see how you would think the last 9 years of your life have been lie? Like did he think you would just be like omg funny story and move past it.

He has no right to be upset and honestly he should be begging and trying to prove himself to you. I would suggest marriage counseling because this is hard. Idk if I could move past this. And everyone knew except you and no one said anything all these years. What else has he lied to you about. I’m sorry he did this to you.

Ecstatic-Buzz −  Tell him the truth. He was allowed to have cold feet and you’re allowed to dislike the memory of it. I can’t imagine he would tell you otherwise considering his own behavior.

bob_apathy −  Tell him what you found out hurt you deeply and you are doing your best but seeing that picture every f**king day was like salt in a wound.
We do things sometimes when we hurt.

On the night my divorce from my ex was finalized I burned everything she had ever given me and numerous pictures. I threw my wedding ring in a BIG LAKE. But those didn’t help and I think that it likely won’t with you either because you already felt insecure. Don’t let your trauma consume you because it’s an u**y path.

Commercial-Net810 −  You need individual therapy and marriage counseling.