I (30f) just found my fiance (30m) on an online dating site. What do I do?
A Reddit user recently found her fiancé on an online dating site after noticing a shift in his behavior. Despite his reassurances about being stressed due to work and car troubles, her past experiences with infidelity have made her feel insecure.
After creating a fake profile, she discovered he had been active on the site. Now, she’s unsure how to confront him and whether their relationship can be salvaged. Read the original story below to explore her dilemma.
‘ I (30f) just found my fiance (30m) on an online dating site. What do I do?’
My fiance and I have been together a year and a half, we moved in with one another a few months ago. Lately he has been a bit distant. I’ve been cheated on in the past and have been really insecure with his change in behavior.
He has assured me he is just stressed about work and because his car broke down a couple weeks ago and he hasn’t gotten a replacement yet. I couldn’t let the nagging feeling go, so I did a little investigating.
I didn’t snoop in his phone or personal accounts, but I made a fake profile on a popular dating site and found him there. He was last online July 1st. I don’t know what to do. How do I confront him? What do I say? Can our relationship be saved? Do I even want to save it?. I feel like I am a wreck right now
Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:
hopingtothrive − Don’t marry someone who is still out there “dating” unless you are okay with an open relationship. If you confront him, he’ll say, “it belongs to a friend”, “it was just a joke”, “I forgot I even had it”. Test him out on the website and see if he is active or if it really does belong someone else.
shortstack_infj − Leave him. He’s a c**ater.
[Reddit User] − I recently had to log in to a dating site so I could deactivate the annoying emails they kept sending me. I have been in a happy relationship for a long time now and am not trying to date. Maybe something else is going on here instead of the obvious. I would go with what other people said and try to catfish him.
musicmaj − If I can offer another perspective, about 2 days ago I suddenly got an email from okcupid saying I had matches. Which is great, except I’ve been in the same relationship for 3.5 years and disabled my account the first month we met. Then got a second email saying there was suspicious activity on my account.
So what did I do? Immediately notified my partner and showed him the emails and asked if he was comfortable with me logging in to see what was up. I did and yup, account had been hacked. In another relationship before we both had our POF accounts suddenly reactivate as well. Dating sites are weird.
So it’s possible he was hacked or it got randomly reactivated. But what would be inexcusable is not telling your partner…my first instinct this week wasn’t to just go and quietly sort my profile hacking out without notifying my partner….my first instinct was to be open and transparent with the truth.
And he was like “huh. Weird. Go do whatever you need to do.” So if he’s not cheating them he stil has a loooooot of work to do to be an open, honest and transparent partner.
tfresca − Maybe have a conversation before you jump to conclusions. Talk to him in person and ask him to pull up his profile and see what’s cracking. IF he refuses then bail. These online dating sites aren’t exactly honest regarding profiles, activity and all that. Maybe he logged on to try to deactivate it and couldn’t figure it out.
knowledge_lover − My fiance and I have been together a year and a half. Never understood how people get engaged so quickly. It is true that you can never know a person COMPLETELY but you can at least take your time to get to know each other alot better.
I know some may not agree but after the first year I would say the relationship would have just started. I wouldn’t dream of proposing to someone after barely getting to know them in a year’s time. But that’s just my 2 cents.
On a side note, confront him face to face with evidence and see what he has to say for himself. But having this issue with him a year and a half into the relationship? Does not seem like it’s going to end well. I am sorry
ProbablyMyJugs − I’m really sorry OP. Confront him. Trust your gut. Screenshot the evidence. Talk to your friends, your family, and enjoy some time with them. No one can tell you what you want or if it can be saved,
but I will ask you this – Can you picture yourself letting this go? Do you want a marriage that has all this turmoil before it has even started? Do you want to always be wondering and questioning?
PerkyLurkey − Obviously you shouldn’t try to catfish him. That would be the plan of a 14 year old school girl. If you must get your screenshots, then ask him what is going on. Talk to him, and respond as if you are a mature woman.. Seriously 🙄
rbus − Don’t catfish him. Be an adult and confront him. Entrapment is hardly a healthy way to continue a relationship. Ah let’s be honest, your relationship is doomed if you are actually considering this as a logical move.
oceans09 − I strongly suggest you communicate with him before assuming anything. Idk your situation very well but do you think it maybe possible that the profile is from a long time ago which he didn’t delete cause maybe he isn’t aware of it anymore?
Do you think the fiancé’s behavior is a sign of a deeper issue, or could it be a temporary phase? How would you approach this situation if you were in her shoes? Share your thoughts below!
For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/XNoHS