Am I (25f) overthinking/reacting to my fiancé’s (27M) drinking habits?

A Reddit user sought advice on whether her concerns about her fiancé’s frequent drinking habits were justified or if she might be overreacting. While their relationship is strong overall, his consistent alcohol consumption and her background with an alcoholic parent have made her question their future together, especially as she considers starting a family. Read the full story below for the details.

‘ Am I (25f) overthinking/reacting to my fiancé’s (27M) drinking habits?’

I have been with my fiancé for a total of 2 1/2 years. Everything for the most part is great about our relationship. When we first got together, we both enjoyed to party (me only on the weekends). I have since slowed my drinking to maybe once a month, if that, and when I do, it’s only a drink or 2.

I had my phase of “fun”, and realize the negative effects it had on me personally so I slowed it down significantly. Backstory, I also grew up with an a**oholic mother, so my reasoning in this questioning comes from that background.

My fiancé still loves to drink. On an average week, Monday – Friday, he will finish at least a bottle of tequila, alone by himself at home. Friday – Sunday, another bottle of tequila, sometimes with friends, a lot of times when he is doing stuff around the house, or we are out grabbing dinner or doing things.

Sometime add some white claws in there. When he is drinking, typically he is in a good mood. Good person to be around, never emotionally or physically a**sive to me, ever. I do admit the nights he is noticeably under the influence, I am completely turned off by him. He’s sloppier. Sometimes can get moody.

He can be more risky with his behavior. He’s been drinking like this throughout our relationship, and truthfully I thought it was a phase, but it’s not slowing down… I’ve had a couple of his family members mention his drinking towards me.

I’ve brought it up to my fiancé a few times now that I am concerned with his drinking habits. The first time I told him, he seemed to listen and slow down some. Most recently within the last week, I mentioned it to him again. More so saying that his drinking is concerning to me, I have not told him to stop or slow down or to control his behaviors. Just that I am worried. He said, “well I don’t think it’s a problem”.

I am starting to question myself, because we are still young and people still party at our age. Honestly I have a solid career, I’m ready to settle down, (still have fun occasionally!) but have kids soon. This type of drinking worries me for the future possibility of bringing kids into this relationship. I admittedly am questioning this relationship some. Am I overthinking this??. 

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

artnodiv −  No, you are not overthinking it. He is what most people would describe as a functional a**oholic.

supreme-dominar −  This sounds like my father. For my entire life, every moment he wasn’t at work he was drunk. Not a**sive, he likes to be the funny drunk, but it was damaging in ways I’m still processing at 43.

He was never present in my life. He was more like a roommate we happened to have. You couldn’t rely on him to finish any project or chore bc the drinking always took priority. Passed out by 8pm every night on the couch. Weekends spent “gardening” or “working in his shop” but really just solo getting plastered.

He coasted until about 65 and then it caught up to him quickly. Stroke. Unmanaged diabetes and the issues related to that: retinal deterioration and peripheral neuropathy. He’s not living the life in retirement he always thought he would.

I’m not going to claim I had the worst childhood. I’m doing great and there was plenty of support and love from my mom and extended family. But it definitely affected me in a very negative way and my father and I do not have a relationship even now.

Kind-Dust7441 −  I’ve been married to an a**oholic for 16 years. My husband has been sober for 11 years. So admittedly I’m biased. With that disclaimer out of the way, I don’t think you are overthinking. I think your fiancé is on a slippery slope. He may or may not be an a**oholic, he may or may not even have a drinking problem, but he is likely heading that way.

A good way to determine where he is on the slope is for him to try to stop drinking. If he can’t stop drinking without experiencing physical symptoms of withdrawal, he’s an a**oholic. He needs immediate medical attention and supervision to detox and get sober.

If he can’t stop drinking without experiencing mental symptoms of withdrawal, he may be an a**oholic, at a minimum he has a drinking problem that will lead to full fledged a**oholism if not addressed now. Rehab, AA and/or therapy may help him. If he can stop drinking with no problem.

Great! He should give up all alcohol for 5 or 6 months and go to therapy to address whatever issues he’s trying to avoid or suppress with alcohol. After which, he may be able to drink socially/occasionally. Or he may not. Just keep in mind, he has to want to change his relationship with alcohol, or end the relationship altogether, in order to make lasting changes.

Also, while I didn’t find Al-Anon helpful for me personally, many people do find it beneficial when dealing with the issues involved in loving an a**oholic. Or, you can just end the relationship. You’re young, you sound mature and levelheaded, you have dreams and goals for your life that may not align with those of your bf.

Loving and living with an a**oholic is an added complication in life, even when they’ve been sober for years. It’s ok to opt out now before you’ve made a lifelong commitment to live with and have a family with someone who may always have a complicated relationship with alcohol.

HipHopCatz −  If he says he will change when kids are around, ask him to prove it.. Speaking from experience

Ok-Investment4742 −  I’ve straight up had an ex choose alcohol over me because “he was still young” and had “years to drink still”. This is a problem whether he wants to admit it. If things stay the same, is this the environment you want to raise kids in.

febrezebaby −  That’s an a**oholic right there

tdasnowman −  All you can do is have conversations with him about your doubts. And you have to make decisions for yourself. Not all people have the problems with alcohol that others do. Tons of people drink wine daily as just part of life. It’s not a party or phase is just ingrained in their culture. I’ve had a couple of his family members mention his drinking towards me. Did you encourage them to have the same conversations with him?

freakfriendfiction −  You’re not overthinking it

socandostuff −  As someone who likes a drink (not this much) I can’t see at his age how much this will change. At 27 he’s beyond the party stage. He likes to drink, it’s probably part of his personality and enjoyment and I think if you asked him to stop/reduce, he’d probably do it, but resent you for it, then start up again.

Gitsumrestmf −  Maybe I am old-fashioned, but I don’t get why “party” has to involve alcohol? Can’t you “party” sober? If alcohol is the only way you can have fun, that’s a problem in and of itself. As for your fiance, the problem is obvious. Even his relatives talk of it. Drinking daily is NOT NORMAL. Or, at least, it shouldn’t be. Of course, alcoholics are the last ones to understand, and admit, that they have a problem.

Do you think the fiancé’s drinking habits are a phase, or could they pose long-term challenges for the relationship? How would you address these concerns while ensuring mutual understanding and respect? Share your perspective and advice in the comments below!