I’m (37F) looking for advice on how to communicate that my partner’s (38M) lack of communication is not acceptable?

A Reddit user (37F) is seeking advice on addressing her husband’s (38M) chronic lack of communication in their 10-year marriage. Despite repeated efforts to accommodate his needs and initiate dialogue, she’s met with deflection, blame, and silence, leaving her feeling unheard and frustrated.

She’s reached a breaking point and wants to communicate her feelings respectfully, maintaining her integrity while addressing his unresponsiveness and the toll it’s taking on their relationship. Read her detailed account below.

‘ I’m (37F) looking for advice on how to communicate that my partner’s (38M) lack of communication is not acceptable?’

Even typing this out I’m confused and frustrated. My partner and I have struggled with communication for most of our marriage, (10 years). I feel like I’m bending over backward to accommodate his lack of communication and eventually get so frustrated I snap which is then used as an excuse to not talk to me.

More often than not, I get no response and after waiting upwards of a minute, will ask if this isn’t a good time, do you need more time to think about this, did you hear me, etc. If I wait less than a minute, I’m not patient enough and now he “can’t” talk to me.

He appears frustrated and irritated the majority of the time, but if ask he says I’m managing his emotions and I need to get more comfortable with myself when people are frustrated.

If I don’t ask, he tells me I’m frustrating and if I talked, acted, existed differently he wouldn’t be so frustrated and would be willing to have a conversation with me. If I ask what I could do different he goes back to telling me I’m managing his emotions. I’m at the end of my rope. I can’t continue to be blamed for this communication cycle.

I’ve taken ownership of my part in it and asked if there is anything I can do to make our communication easier. He won’t answer and just continues to tell me I’m frustrating or not listening. Most recently I said I’d like to figure this out when would be a good time and would he rather talk in person or use email/text/Discord.

He choose our private Discord so he has more time to think and that evening as the time frame. I agreed and said I’d start a convo. I posted this question, “Do you think our communication would be better if we could relieve some daily stressors first?

Or do we need to work toward creating a space where you can voice those frustrations first?” This was based on our conversation. He’s frustrated and o**rwhelmed, but doesn’t feel like he can talk about his frustrations with me. He never responded. The next morning I asked if he could prioritize answering me and he said he would.

He still hadn’t responded by that evening. I asked what his evening looked like and he was going to watch some TV. I asked if he could take some time to respond in Discord. He said he would. I’m at a loss and woke up this morning in tears when I still didn’t have a response.

Variations of this are consistent across our whole marriage. He wasn’t this uncommunicative when we were dating. I wish I’d know this was what I was signing up for. I’m all done, but would like to be respectful and maintain my own integrity in addressing his lack of response. How would I tell him this isn’t an acceptable way to treat me?

I want to point out that I have done exactly what he has asked of me and that I want to have better communication, but it’s feeling like a one way street. Based on our past communications that would be me blaming him and then our conversation would become about how I blame people.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

clioke −  That sounds exhausting for both of you. Have you considered bringing in a professional third party to help in the form of a therapist? Conversations would be scheduled ahead of time and go at a pace that both of you are comfortable with.

ExpressingThoughts −  Do you have anything that would tie you together so that you need to communicate after divorcing (such as kids)? What you have doesn’t sound like much of a marriage if you don’t even talk to each other. Is there a reason you both are choosing to stay together?

MLeek −  You need to realize the actual agreement in your marriage, is that he gets to this, and you put up with it. That is the actual agreement you’ve made with this man. **It doesn’t matter how you say it’s unacceptable, if you both know you’re gonna go on accepting it.**

This is not a tone, or text, or word choice issue. This is an issue of you both having an agreement that 100% works for him, and 100% sucks for you. He has decided he doesn’t have to communicate with you, and it’s your fault that he doesn’t want to, and literally nothing you do will change his mind.

Discord won’t change his mind. Interpretative dance won’t change his mind. He doesn’t want to talk to you and he doesn’t want to have to hear you and he has all the reasons he needs to not listen to you. And since you won’t change your actions, he’s fine! He doesn’t have a problem.

He has a marriage agreement that works for him. He’s getting what he wants here. **There is a point at which you will not be able to maintain your own integrity and continue to consent to being in a marriage that functions on** ***that*** **agreement.**

Go to therapy. If he won’t come with, go alone. Hell, even if he will, go alone. You have some choices to make about what you are willing to go on agreeing too.

fiery_valkyrie −  I don’t know what more you can do. You’ve given him every opportunity to express himself. He’s just refusing to.

Any-Skill-5128 −  You really gave a man in his 30s the choice to communicate with his wife of 11 years THROUGH DISCORD ? There’s no way…

negligenceperse −  sorry – i guess i must have missed something here. what exactly is it you need to communicate? what do you need him to communicate? are you desperate to communicate about communicating?

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, yet it takes two active participants to make it work. What advice would you give this user on addressing her husband’s communication barriers while preserving her self-respect? Have you experienced a similar challenge, and how did you handle it? Share your thoughts below!