my girlfriend thinks i’m the lohl but doesn’t think we’ll end up together

A Reddit user (21M, trans FTM) shares his emotional struggle after his girlfriend (20F, cis woman) told him that their relationship, while deeply meaningful, is not sustainable long-term due to cultural expectations in their very Muslim country. The girlfriend expressed her plans to eventually get married and have children.

Which left the user heartbroken and questioning their future together. Though they love each other deeply, the user now faces a conflict between their desire to stay together and the realization that their life goals may not align. Read the full story below to explore the tension they’re feeling.

‘ my girlfriend thinks i’m the lohl but doesn’t think we’ll end up together’

I’m a 21 year old trans FTM living in a very muslim country who would hang me if they knew my identity, my girlfriend (who also lives in a very muslim country) is a 20 year old cis woman, we were just talking about gender identity and other stuff when i brought up our relationship,

we’ve been together for 9 months now but we’ve loved each other ever since 2021 but we were close friends for a very long time before we actually confessed to each other. we met each other online and i travelled to meet her on my birthday this year (May 2024),

as i was saying, i brought up our relationship saying “what are we supposed to do” when she said “you do know that this isn’t going to last forever and i’m eventually gonna get married and have kids right?” in which i froze not saying anything

couple minutes go by with us talking about what she just said to me when she asked me if i was ok and i said “well the loml just told me shes gonna leave me” in which she said that shes sorry but we can’t be together forever and she (in her own words)

said that she thought we had established it way before we got together, in which i said that i thought she was my end. she then kept profusely apologizing and saying how could i fix this, i said you obviously can’t. i said i needed a break and i really dont know what to do here.

in one hand i really wanna stay with her as shes the loml and i cant ever think of myself screwing that up but on the other hand she broke my trust and i realized her endgoal is significantly different than mine.. what do you think i should do?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Storytella2016 −  Oh. This is so painful. My heart hurts for you. That said, I think the question of your long game is very reasonable, even if she didn’t state it well. Are you going to leave your countries and move someplace where your identity will be protected,

or will you stay in your home countries, marry people for security rather than love and visit each other when you can? These are the decisions that 2SLGBTQ+ couples have had to figure out for thousands of years.

I think her answer is she either can’t figure out a path out of her country, or she would prefer not to leave, even if it means missing out on being your full partner, in the open. Can you figure out a path out of your country that could lead to her getting out of hers?

moss-agate −  I could give you some really callous advice about this but i appreciate that in the moment she feels like the only person you could ever be in love with. that is really hard. when you are in an isolation situation like the one you’re currently in, it can be hard to see past it when very few people even know who you really are.

however, you deserve someone who doesn’t see you as temporary. a life is a long time. the love of your life will be there for your *life* not for your early twenties. it sounds like you need to leave her in the past and start planning for your future. moving to a country where you can live safely with someone that wants a future with you.

sweadle −  I just want to say that I am sorry for the difficulty of your situation. I read a beautiful book by a queer muslim named Butch Hijab Blues. I don’t know if it’s accessible in your country, but the author did such a great job expressing her love for her religion and her identify and holding them both together.

-zero-joke- −  I think this is one of those ‘you need to put your own oxygen mask on first’ situations and the very first thing you need to do is get the f**k out of that country.

Skweefie −  Dont waste your twenties on someone who sees you as a short-term option. You deserve better than that.

Remo1975 −  I don’t have any advice, and maybe everyone else is keeping the key to love and happiness in a very safe place, because some of us will see a lifetime of struggle and pain. This is so painful, what you’re going through.

When you hear that person say you’ll never be together, you get that white hot sulphur burn in the middle of your chest, and forget to breathe. When you finally remember to do so, all you can muster is a long, hot, exhale, hoping your ache will dissolve away with it.

Separately, i get not wanting to be disowned by your family. Im very close with my dad and 2 sisters, I cant imagine being without them, because we’ve always hepled one another.

I’ve never understood patriotism, my country is on a map, some places are beautiful. But your own country would kill you because of who you are. It’s not fair. I’m sorry, friend. I’ll be hoping a solution finds you soon.

cbuck015 −  She already told you the ending big dawg. Life’s tough my guy. So either enjoy your alloted time with the love of your life and then pick up the broken pieces of yourself after she eventually breaks up with you to have a husband and kids.

You could leave now knowing that you are cutting short the time you have with the love of your life and fine someone else who could give you something long term if thats what you want. Nothing is easy but you can choose your hard or choose something else. Good luck bro.

boba_toes −  this is so heartbreaking, I’m so sorry. I see where you’re coming from and I empathise so much, but I also see what your girlfriend is saying – unless you have a plan to get out and be together,

I don’t know what choice she has but to comply for her own safety. is there a possibility you two could form that plan together and move away? if not, I don’t think there is anything you can do.

MercyForNone −  Can you two move to somewhere that isn’t Muslim-based so that you can live together without judgemental eyes upon you both? It will likely mean leaving your families behind if you believe they would not be supportive, unless you prefer to live in lies for your entire life (not judging you, just contemplating that hardship).

I realize where you live is possibly all you know of the world, but there really are many accepting communities across the world where you both could live quite happily together. ♥

Warm_Honeydew7440 −  It is not a practical or suitable relationship for either of you.

Love is never a simple journey, and when your life goals diverge, it can feel like a heartbreaking crossroads. Do you think there’s a way for this relationship to overcome such differences, or is it better to let go and move forward separately? How would you approach this tough decision? Share your thoughts below!