Me (F27) and my bare minimum bf (M28) have been together for 3 years

A Redditor (27F) opens up about her struggles in a three-year relationship with her boyfriend (28M), who she feels puts in minimal effort as a partner and father.

After a turbulent journey that included a breakup and reconciliation for the sake of their son, she now finds herself as the sole provider while feeling unappreciated and unsupported in the relationship. Read the original story below to learn more about her dilemma and search for clarity.

‘ Me (F27) and my bare minimum bf (M28) have been together for 3 years’

In the beginning, things were great, but now I feel like I’m not his dream girl. For context, we were in the same college friend group but only became close during the pandemic, when we started going out for drinks.

Things moved fast—we moved in together because his family gave him an ultimatum about staying home during the pandemic, and he chose me. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Three months into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t ready, but he wanted the baby.

I thought this might be a fresh start for me since I came from a toxic household, and having a family of my own had always been my dream. I hoped there was a reason this was all happening. Fast forward to 2 years in, things went sour. Without going into too much detail, he wasn’t stepping up as a dad, and we broke up.

He moved out, and I focused on being a single mom. After some time, he came back asking for forgiveness. As a mom, my son is my priority, so I weighed the pros and cons. I didn’t want my child to grow up without a dad, and after a long heart-to-heart, we agreed to try again.

He promised to change and started making positive lifestyle adjustments. Now, he’s working part-time but only earns enough for himself. It bothers me because I’m juggling 3 jobs to provide for our son and myself. I’ve hinted to him how much this bothers me, but it feels like history is repeating itself.

On top of that, for 3 years, he’s known how much I love surprises, yet he’s never made an effort—not even for my birthdays. Every year, my birthdays have been the loneliest. He doesn’t plan anything or try to make me feel special, and it honestly makes me think he doesn’t care or even resents me.

I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel this lonely and unseen. I’m unhappy and questioning if I made the right choice letting him back in.

I don’t understand where his motivation is—shouldn’t having a child be enough to work harder? I’m tired of being the sole provider, and I don’t know how to tell him how I truly feel or what to do next.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

hipalbatross −  He’s going to continue to be a s**tty partner and deadbeat dad. You already know this OP. Listen to your brain, keep yourself and your child safe and healthy!

Global-Fact7752 −  He is obviously a substandard person..even his family knew that. He brings absolutely nothing to the Table. He isn’t a partner he’s a responsibility. What the hell is a 28 year old man doing working part time while you juggle 3 jobs? Is this really the example you want your son to see as he grows older. You know what you need to do.

fiery_valkyrie −  If you split up, he would have to pay child support, which is more than he is doing now, plus you would be in a position to find someone you can actually have a decent relationship with.

Surely even being single is better than this? At least when you’re single you’re not constantly being let down whenever he shows how little he cares about you.

wigglywonky −  I was in a similar situation to you. My flat mate pursued me relentlessly and I eventually caved in…what a way to turn a h**kup into a serious relationship real quick. I fell pregnant within the year and he insisted on keeping the baby.

He was a s**tty partner and father from the beginning but I just couldn’t bring myself to leave. We had another baby…and another and things went from bad to worse to downright traumatic as the years progressed. 15 years of my life! 3 very traumatized children! What I wouldn’t give to go back and leave earlier at the very least. Please, please leave now.

I have now found true love and it’s the most magical, otherworldly thing you can experience in life. Everyone deserves at least a chance to find it. Your partner defiantly isn’t it! Some tangible advice though? – make sure he is responsible for your child 50% if the time.

Maybe week on week off? He clearly won’t be able to contribute much financially so this way, you pay for your child when you have them and he pays when he does. Also, this gives you time to yourself which is invaluable!

You could meet new friends, discover more about yourself and meet someone special perhaps. It’s daunting but exciting and trust me, you’re holding onto a lot of anxiety that will dissipate once you leave.

AspieAsshole −  Hints aren’t enough. Sit him down and tell him straight out that he isn’t doing enough and he needs to step up, or you can go for full custody and child support instead. It sounds like you’d get it.

CombinationCalm9616 −  His motivation is not having to pay child support or do any of the heavy lifting like parenting, cleaning a house, cooking and making enough money to support a household. He’s using you for what you provide for him while giving you nothing in return.

thiscouldbemassive −  Is he at least doing his fair share of watching the kid and cleaning the house? If not there’s no point in having him with you.

coffee_cake_x −  OP, your title should be enough. YOU are describing him as a bare minimum BF. And you’re showing your kid that the bare minimum is all they deserve, too, or all they need to give to anyone else.

Your relationship with your child and your relationship with your child’s other parent are two separate relationships. Your boyfriend’s fatherhood shouldn’t have anything to do with whether you two are f**king or dating or cohabitating. And if he needs you to be his girlfriend to be there for his kid, then he’s a s**t dad.

Yeah, two households makes things tough, but only having one household with s**tty vibes…well, I don’t have to tell you how much that sucks, do I? You could give your kid at least one home where you model a healthy life by having higher standards than

“I’m choosing my partner based on the fact that he came in me one important time”. If your hopefully STBX doesn’t pay his fair share, get child support. That’s something that would ACTUALLY benefit your child.

Justa23yearoldgirl −  I think ideally in a perfect world, you want this to work out well for your child. But, this is the second chance you’ve given him already and if you’ve expressed your feelings to him and it hasn’t gotten across… do what’s best for you and your son.

You can coparent? It’s not easy, but if this is something you’re questioning already then I think you already know the answer at heart. Best of luck, OP!

fueledbydexies −  D**p him it sounds like you’re already mostly over it

Do you think her boyfriend’s actions demonstrate a lack of commitment, or could there be underlying issues preventing him from stepping up? How would you approach addressing imbalances in effort and emotional support in a relationship? Share your thoughts and advice below!