AITA for refusing to use all the money my dead mother left me to pay her funeral?

A Redditor (22M) is grappling with a family dispute over funeral costs following the recent death of his mother. After caring for her during her final years, he was left with €5,000 in savings from his mother, which was intended for living expenses.

Now, his older siblings (29F and 27M) are pressuring him to use the entire amount for the funeral, even though it would leave him unable to pay bills for himself and his younger siblings. He has already contributed €3,400 to the funeral, but his siblings are still insisting he pay more.

The Redditor is struggling to balance his financial responsibilities with the funeral costs. Read the full story below to dive deeper into this difficult family situation.

‘ AITA for refusing to use all the money my dead mother left me to pay her funeral?’

First of all sorry for my bad spelling I’m form Germany. My mother died a few days ago and now I’m (22M) fighting with my older sister (29F) and my older brother (27M) about who is paying for the funeral or who is paying how much.

Normally you would thing everybody pays the same portion or depending on there income or saving but the problem is that I have no income beacuse i stopped attending evening school beacuse they refused to let me care for my now dead mother and attend at the same time, i have 3 younger siblings one is (17F) the or (19F) and the third (21M) but they were not really suited to care for our mother and attended school themselves.

That’s why our mother always sent me money so that I could pay the bills (I live with my younger siblings). Because I was better with money than my mother, we had €5,000 in our account when she died.

Since she is dead now, I am looking for a job (I am going to join the Bundeswehr and now have to find a job to tide me over until I am in service) and so are my siblings who are no longer in school, and we are using the 5000€ to pay bills until then.

I know it’s partly my fault that I wasn’t better prepared for this but you have other things on your mind than looking for a job when your own mother is dying on the couch and doctors are failing to treat her (she was just being sent from one hospital to the next).

Now to my AITA. We think that the funeral should cost between €6000 and €8000 and my older siblings want me to use the entire €5000 for their funeral, which means I can’t pay the rent or electricity and water for me and my siblings.

I know that I have to pay something in any case, which I have already done. I have already transferred €1700 to the funeral plan + 1600€ which were still in my mother’s account (which I don’t count as part of my portion), even though I or anyone else in the house doesn’t earn any money (what we are currently working on).

But they want me to use the entire €5000 with the argument that it is my mother’s money even though she gave it to me so that I could pay rent and other expenses for me and my younger siblings.

My younger siblings and everyone I’ve asked think it’s pretty outrageous to ask for something like that. I understand that you can’t just pay for a funeral, but we already have €3,400 together without my older siblings contributing anything.

And I haven’t even mentioned the hospital bills we have to pay (because my mom was self-employed and never really took care of her health insurance) that my older siblings don’t even think about. So AITA for refusing to use all the money my dead mother left me to pay her funeral?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Apart-Ad-6518 −  NTA. You couldn’t study or work because you were caring for your mother. I can’t pay the rent or electricity and water for me and my siblings. But they want me to use the entire €5000 with the argument that it is my mother’s money even though she gave it to me so that I could pay rent and other expenses for me and my younger siblings.

Your mother’s wishes are clear. She wanted you & your younger siblings to be able to continue running your household & be safe. You contributed what you could. Your older siblings are out of line here. Sorry for your loss. This internet stranger sends you condolences.

incospicuous_echoes −  You don’t need to have a funeral. You can opt for the cheapest option which is usually cremation. You can host people on the one month anniversary of her d**th if you want to do something. NTA

Discount_Mithral −  NTA. Stand your ground on this one. Tell your older siblings that your mother would not have wanted you to be unable to pay the bills to stay in your house. You’ve contributed a significant portion of the funeral costs already, they can either chip in or you can find a cheaper way to lay your mother to rest.

My condolences on your loss – I hope you are doing ok! Edit: Doing the math, OP has chipped in over half of the lower end of the cost already. The older siblings can help out here, but it feels like they just don’t want to have to pay anything. Which is fucked.

Competitive_Cod_3843 −  NTA. Your mother would not want you to risk your well-being and survival to pay for her going away party.

hadesarrow3 −  NTA those aren’t funeral funds, it’s not your mom’s estate or even an inheritance- that’s the money you were allotted to care for your siblings. Wild that your older siblings think the three recently orphaned barely adults and a legal child should be the ones footing the bill for the funeral, because that is exactly what they’re suggesting.

I don’t think it’s even appropriate that you should pay as much as you have. What are your older siblings doing to help support the siblings who are still in school, and the one who was forced to drop out to be a caregiver?

Tessa_Kamoda −  NTA.. ianal but a fellow german:. mein herzliches beileid.. schlag das erbe aus. es sind die schulden deiner mutter die ihr alle erben werdet. deshalb schlag es aus. somit erbst du nichts. keine schulden, aber auch kein evtl restgthaben sollte von irgendwo doch noch geld her auftauchen.

es gibt da diesen mittelweg ”annahme unter vorbehalt”. innerhalb eines gewissen zeitraums kann man dann endgültig entscheiden ob man das erbe doch annimmt oder ganz ausschlägt. vorteil ist dass man dann meistens einen besseren überblick über alles hat. nachteil ist dass es der FaMiLiE zeit gibt druck auf einen auszuüben ”das richtige zu tun”.. oh, und unterschreibe NICHTS!

”wir haben mit dem bestatter gesprochen… bla bla bla… unterschreib hier.” wer unterschreibt, zahlt. das folgende mag sich pietätlos anhören aber denk über ein anonymes urnenbegräbnis nach. urnenbegräbnisse sind günstiger da weniger platz auf dem friedhof benötigt wird.

anonym erspart die folgekosten der grabpflege. 20 jahre lang regelmässig hin zum grab zum unkrautjäten, be-/neupflanzen, gestohlenes ersetzen, kerze leuchten lassen – wer macht das von euch, wer zahlt was?

die beiden werden aufschreien ”was sollen die nachbarn denken?” jo, was denken wohl die nachbarn wenn in 4 jahren das unkraut höher ist al der grabstein der vor lauter schmutz nicht mehr zu lesen ist? nochmals mein herzlichstes beileid.

StAlvis −  INFO. Where’s everyone’s father?

OliveMammoth6696 −  NTA. Youre nice for even contributing when you shouldn’t have had to at all. You took care of your dying mother, dropped out of school to do so. Thats your contribution and they’re selfish not to see that. Even more selfish for basically insisting that their younger siblings become homeless over a funeral. I’d say you shouldn’t have it at all based on your finances and should just have her cremated.

no_konsent −  NTA-i take it your older siblings don’t care at all about the younger ones. You do what your Mom wanted, which was to take care of her kids who still need help.

skorvia −  NTA. The money is for bills, your older brothers do not contribute anything to support your younger brothers. It seems to me that you do not have a good relationship with your older brothers, because they practically want to leave you and your younger brothers destitute, just to pay for a funeral. Will they support the rest of the family?

Do you think the Redditor is being fair in refusing to use all of his mother’s money for the funeral, or should he prioritize the funeral costs despite his financial situation? How would you handle a situation where family members are pressuring you to spend money designated for living expenses?
Share your thoughts below!