My(22F) boyfriend(22M) invalidates my feelings because I am “spoiled.”

A Reddit user shared her struggle with feeling invalidated by her boyfriend, who dismisses her anxiety and emotional challenges as a result of being “spoiled” due to her middle-class upbringing. She believes emotional struggles can affect anyone, regardless of financial status, but her boyfriend’s perspective has left her questioning herself. Read the full story below to better understand her perspective and offer advice.

‘ My(22F) boyfriend(22M) invalidates my feelings because I am “spoiled.”‘

I struggle with anxiety over everything and overthink myself depressed in terms of career, school, and other aspects of my life. I grew up in a middle class family who has their own business and both of my parents are still together and have worked extremely hard to get where we are today.

I am so grateful for them and everything I have in my life and always have been. My parents helped me pay for some of my school, gave me their old car, and overall have always provided for me throughout my life. My boyfriend grew up in a low income family with family troubles.

He calls me spoiled and consistently will invalidate my feelings when I tell him about what I am anxious/sad about, when I complain about how things are so expensive, and I’ve also talked about my past when I was really depressed throughout high school. I just don’t know how to navigate this? I believe that no matter how much money somebody has, they can still drown?

Water is all the same in the end. But I might be wrong and “spoiled?” This has been weighing on my chest for a while and I do not have anybody to discuss this with that wouldn’t be biased. I tried and discussed the “water” thing with him and he agreed until recently he sent me a picture of someone saying how people with both parents that don’t financially struggle should not complain how hard life this.

Am I in the wrong here? Am I acting spoiled and conceited? I’ve reevaluated my behaviours and I don’t think I am in the wrong? What should I do to navigate this situation?. Thank you in advance!

TL;DR: I struggle with anxiety and overthinking about my career, school, and life, despite having a supportive middle-class family. My boyfriend, from a low-income background, calls me spoiled and dismisses my feelings, leaving me unsure and unsupported. I believe financial status doesn’t negate emotional struggles, but I’m conflicted and seeking clarity.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

W1ldy0uth −  Why are you dating someone that constantly invalidates your feelings? Your partner should be the safest place to land.

SaraAnnabelle −  Your boyfriend’s a m**ipulative d**bass. Hope this helps.

Good_Ice_240 −  Someone is always worse off than someone else! That doesn’t mean he has the right to invalidate how you feel. He sounds like a bitter and jealous Ahole to me. Ask him exactly why he’s with you if you’re so spoiled?

Everyone has their own story and nobody truly knows how someone else feels, even if you’ve been through similar things. We all feel things from our own viewpoint. You can have two parents and a beautiful home but be treated like crap! Houses and cars etc are just material things, they cannot make up for someone loving you. Get a better boyfriend OP, he’s very immature.

loveandsubmit −  Our romantic partner should be on our side on everything. Yours is judging and ridiculing you instead. I don’t like him at all and I wonder why you do? Are you wrong for talking about your mental health challenges and the high cost of living? F**k no. He’s the a**hole, not you.

galvanicreaction −  Simply because your parents were in a good enough place to help you with school and a car doesn’t mean that you’re not struggling now. Anyone with an ear to the ground sees how s**tty everything is. Listen, I came from a very low-income background, no help with education or anything. That does not allow me to diss anyone who had some help. My feeling is, “Good for them.”

Emotional struggles are not tied to financial situations. You are working on building your life as an adult and your BF needs to knock it off.

AnnonyMouseX −  I think the fact that you are ( neurotically? 🙂 ) examining the fact that you might be ‘spoiled’ suggests that .. EVEN IF YOU ARE/WERE .. you are actualized enough to see it and make any changes you want to make. Have you ever asked your BF why he says that? Make him explain his point of view.

You are not WRONG in that his poverty growing up doesn’t invalidate your experience, and he shouldn’t be dismissing your PRESENT anxiety based off times in the PAST when your folks have helped you out. But he might not actually know why he feels this way if he hasn’t examined it past surface level.

It sounds more like he is a little jealous of the safety net you have had, or feels inadequate in some way but isn’t emotionally ready/capable of expressing (or maybe even recognizing) the resentment. Ironically, folks who grew up really poor tend to be a more inclined to take advantage of immediate opportunities to better their stability; so you would think he would be the FIRST person to say ‘oh .. your folks are gonna help you with that? awesome. yeah. let them.’. Not ‘man .. your spoiled.’

W-styd −  His jealousy is getting in the way of his empathy and compassion. I’m not sure there’s anything you can do, but you have to be able to put yourself first.

ProtozoaPatriot −  A partner needs to be able to offer some sort of emotional support. This guy can’t. You can’t change him. Sorry, but if you want to feel listened to, you need a new boyfriend. It doesn’t matter if you’re “spoiled” or if he thinks your worries are trivial. These issues are *important to you*. Doesn’t matter if he can’t understand the issue or why you’re upset. A good boyfriend would want to see you happy and would be concerned when you’re concerned.

sherahero −  How long have you been together? Honestly you might not be compatible at this stage of life. He needs to wake up and realize everyone has struggles even if they did grow up more privileged. If he can’t sympathize with your struggles, then you shouldn’t be with him. You don’t need his negativity to weigh you down even more. Someday he will realize everyone has needs compassion.

I grew up fairly poor but I make decent money now, based on his logic would I be able to complain about my struggles because I grew up poor even though I’m not now?  You said it best, financial status doesn’t negate emotional struggle. If he can’t see that then don’t waste your time with him.

dialzza −  Why does he want to date you? Put simply, life partners should want to support each other through everything.  Not engage in pissing contests over who has it worse.  Of course there’s going to be some compromises and meeting-in-the-middle over shared responsibilities, but at a baseline both partners should always want to support the other.

Also, sure, his upbringing might’ve been harder than yours.  But he didn’t grow up a slave, in a sweatshop, or in any of the many even more horrible conditions that exist in the world.  Should he have no right to ever complain about anything?