AITAH for threatening to divorce my wife if she didn’t become a proper homemaker in the next month?
A Reddit user, 33M, shares his frustration with his wife, Steph (32F), a stay-at-home wife who has consistently struggled to maintain household responsibilities. After years of what he describes as her lack of contribution—cooking meals only occasionally and spending hours on her phone—he finally snapped.
Before leaving for a two-week work trip, he asked for a simple home-cooked lunch, only to find her still glued to her phone when he arrived. This led him to issue an ultimatum: she has one month to step up as a homemaker, or he will file for divorce. Is this ultimatum fair or too harsh? Read the full story below to decide!
‘ AITAH for threatening to divorce my wife if she didn’t become a proper homemaker in the next month?’
My wife and I have been married for four years. I’m 33 and male, and she’s 32. Her name is Steph. Steph is a SAHW, and since we got married, she has been incredibly inconsistent with household labor. I work a physically-demanding job, and it would really help if Steph could at least cook dinner more than once or twice a week.
Instead, she sits at the dinner table, hunched over her phone for hours a day. She’s completely addicted to it, but she refuses to even have a conversation about this. Now, about twice a year, I have an opportunity to visit a foreign country for work. The nature of the work is to supervise construction and instruct the workers there.
The compensation for these trips is always fantastic, and Steph is appreciative when I go because I bring home a pretty fat paycheck after. Three weeks ago, I was about to depart for two weeks on such a trip. At around 10am, I texted Steph and said that time was tight, but I’d be home at 12:30 to pick up my luggage.
I asked her if she would make me something for lunch and she agreed to do so. I emphasized that I had about ten minutes to stuff my face and then get to the airport. At 11am, I texted her again, saying I’d be home as planned at 12:30. Again, she said “OK.”
At 12pm, I texted her saying that I was leaving. I walked in the door at exactly 12:30, only to find her sitting at the dinner table, hunched over her phone. When I walked in, she gave me this bewildered look. She had done literally nothing. Nothing was cooking.
Steph stood up in a panic and said she’d start making me lunch, but I told her that it was pointless. She sheepishly apologized, and I responded, “Don’t say sorry. Just be less f**king useless.” This made her very upset. I just picked up my luggage, left, and went to the airport.
I did manage to pick up some food at the airport, but I really would have liked a home-cooked meal before eating out every day for two weeks. I got home last week, and Steph was still angry. She said that what I said to her was over the top.
I asked what she had been doing those two weeks, and she insisted that she was “super busy” (see: Instagram and Netflix). I gave her an ultimatum: that she had one month, until 1/10, to get her s**t together and be a proper homemaker. I told her that if she couldn’t, I was going to divorce her.
Steph was super upset, and for the past week, she has been sulking (see: Instagram and Netflix). She told her family about it, and her mother basically blamed me for Steph’s lack of direction in life. I know it’s nonsense that a 32-year-old woman needs to have her hand held to do anything, but was I being ridiculous with my ultimatum?
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
coygobbler − Why can’t she go back to work? Why does she have to stay home? I think it’s fair to say if you’re not going to do the duties of a stay at home wife then you need to work.
Secret_Sister_Sarah − I came into this thinking you were going to be the a**hole; that maybe you’re complaining about how she cooks and cleans or something.
But reading that she only makes 2 meals a week, and didn’t even bother preparing you one last lunch on your last day in town, when you specifically asked her to, and gave her a heads up twice that you were on your way home?! NTA
The fact that she was glued to her phone makes this even worse, because phones have clocks on them… and if she knows she loses track of time easily, she could have set an alarm for 12 and had something ready for you easily by 12:30.
ConvivialKat − NTA. If you have no children and she is a SAHW, taking care of the household (including shopping and cooking) *is* her job. I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to continue this way.
rpgbx − NTA, but you unfortunately chose language that will make it very easy for her to paint you as the villain. Calling someone f***ing useless usually doesn’t bode well in your favor.
Be wary of how she’ll paint you. You can acknowledge that you didn’t use the best wording, but that your feedback still stands as valid criticism. In a relationship, it takes two partners to show up for each other, and right now, she isn’t showing up for you.
liberty8012 − I’d send her back to work and hire a housekeeper
Responsible_Handle93 − Question : if she only cooks once or twice a week, what does she eat for the rest of the week?
DesperateToNotDream − NTA. It sounds like you don’t have any kids. If her entire scope of responsibilities is to be a stay at home wife aka a home maker then her responsibilities are to keep the home- cooking, cleaning etc.
I don’t believe in getting a free ride to sit around on your ass all day going nothing and contributing little while someone else finances your life.
sugarsyrupguzzler − NTAH. Bro you make the money dont pay her phone bill next month
Similar_Cranberry_23 − Maybe suggest some counseling for her phone addiction. based off your side of the story alone Nta.
CTMom79 − Instead of divorce, why not have her get a job? Use the salary from that to pay for House cleaners
Do you think the husband’s ultimatum was justified, or did he take things too far? Is it fair to expect more consistency from a stay-at-home spouse, or does the tone and approach matter more? How would you address such an imbalance in a marriage? Share your thoughts below!