Teenager wanted adult freedoms and is now dealing with adult consequences?

A Redditor (father of a teenage daughter) shares a challenging situation with his 15-year-old daughter. After years of defiance and refusing to follow household rules (like no electronics in her room and maintaining a 9 pm bedtime), he decided to give her the freedom she wanted but with adult consequences.

When she ignored the new boundaries, including staying up past midnight and missing school, he refused to help her out, letting her face the consequences of her actions. Now, he’s questioning whether he was too harsh. To read more, check out the full story below…

‘ Teenager wanted adult freedoms and is now dealing with adult consequences?’

I am the father of a teenage daughter. Ever since she was 13 she has constantly lied, refused to follow our household rules (no electronics in rooms, 9 pm bedtime, no fighting, bickering or petty back stabbing with siblings etc, complete your chores daily (sweep kitchen and cleanup after family dog) etc.)

I do not feel we are super strict but i also refuse to give ground on these areas. In exchange, she has the newest iPhone, tablet and laptop. Is able to participate in a sport that costs me a couple thousand a year and has pocket money every time she needs it.

Recently things have come to a head. She has been outright defiant and disrespectful. Completely ignoring her mom, rolling her eyes when she is asked to do things and using feigned ignorance as a weapon. She has been caught multiple times up at 2 am using her electronics etc. I sat her down a little over a week ago. Her reasons are a repeat of what she has said for years.

She does not feel a 9pm/10pm (weekdays/weekends) is appropriate for her age (15), she does not feel that she should have to do chores as her grades and workload should exempt her (all As AP student) even though she acknowledges that she has maybe 15 minutes worth of chores a day.

So I decided to give her what she asked for. I let her know that we would not remind her to do her chores, homework, laundry etc. We would not send her to bed or enforce a bedtime most nights, nor would we stop her from using her electronics in her room, even if it is bad for her sleep habits.

But in exchange, if she did not do her chores, follow the rules or etc. She would need to deal with the consequences as an adult. Example I gave her was, if she chose to not follow the rules and not do her chores, she would be expected to get a job and pay rent, bills etc.(Her rent money would be kept in a separate account and invested in bonds set to mature while she is in college and given to her. She does not know this). She agreed.

We are now a week later and her sleep habits have gone to hell. Last night she stayed up past midnight and this morning slept through her alarm. She called me this morning and begged me to come and give her a ride. I let her know that I will not leave work and put myself behind for the day to backstop her poor decisions. She would need to wait for me to come home know lunch to give her a ride.

She is very upset because this will place her behind in most of her classes and she will need to get her choir teacher to allow her makeup work as she will miss an important rehearsal for a performance and risk a 30% reduction in grade. AITAH?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Express_Willow7999 −  My only hesitation with a full blown NTA assessment is this part about rent. Like, that was rhetorical, or real? I have told my teen that if she doesn’t do chores, I don’t do chores for her. Like, if she refuses to clean her room, I will not do the job of going through her clothes to do any laundry for her.

So, dirty clothes that pile up on her floor never get put in the laundry. I think it is a more immediate consequence. Don’t clean your bathroom? You get a gross bathroom. Sneak downstairs at night to use a phone? Phone on lockdown for a week.

As for the bedtime, I do think 9pm/10pm is too early. My AP level kid sometimes doesn’t finish all her work by 9PM, especially if she has other extracurriculars after school. We shoot for 10pm weeknights and 11ish (with wiggle room for holidays or special events) on weekends. I definitely stayed up until midnight or 1am as a teen on the weekends, but was also often tired at 11pm.

All that being said, I totally get you in the natural consequences of not setting an alarm and staying up late. Also, on not rushing home to get her. She’s a smart kid, so she’s capable of doing things like setting an alarm. Maybe after you have all calmed down you can negotiate a little more freedom for a little more responsibility on her part. It may have been a good exercise to get her to see where she’s lacking responsibility. But now you need to overcome it becoming a power struggle.

Newbosterone −  The trouble with having a child of above average intelligence is that adults esp. parents and teachers tend to think of them as adults. They are rarely emotionally or developmentally adult. Your daughter probably speaks like a college student, but she’s still 15, with a fifteen year olds’ judgement.

I wouldn’t let this lesson run too long. Talk to her, give ground on a few things, and pick your battles. Explain why – that the habit to do a few chores a day builds self discipline, because as an adult that’s the difference between success and mediocrity, for example.

rudbek-of-rudbek −  The bedtimes are ridiculous. 10pm on weekends for a 15yo honor student.

nailz1000 −  You’re trying to put a 15 year old down at 9pm? LMAO.

StayRevolutionary429 −  9 pm bedtime? GTFO.

firewifegirlmom0124 −  I do think a 9pm bedtime is too early at 15. 10pm on the weekends is also too early. My kids are 10 & 12 and they have a 10pm bedtime on weekdays and 11pm on weekends. I’ve never had trouble getting them up for school. I would say at 15, in your room with no electronics at 10pm on weekdays and midnight on weekends is reasonable.

DelcoDave49 −  A 9PM bedtime on the weekends for a 15 year old is f**king insane. Edit: I realize now that it is 9 on weekdays and 10 on weekends. I still think that 10 on a weekend for a high schooler is pretty ridiculous.

CenterofChaos −  I won’t say it’s amazing behavior but truthfully? I think at 15 she *should* be ready to negotiate bedtime and electronics usage and her wanting to challenge you on those topics is very appropriate for her age. It is normal to fight, bicker, be petty with siblings. As long as they’re not driving each other to need therapy or the emergency room you need to let the kids develop their own interpersonal relationships too, being overbearing in this area is not healthy.

I don’t think she can use being an AP as a get out chores free card. However I do think you can negotiate with her what chores she’s responsible for. I think having her consider a job instead of getting free pocket money is normal. Not driving her to school and letting her deal with the consequences of oversleeping is fine. However do I think utilities and rent is out of proportion to this situation and inappropriate for her age.

You are far from the biggest AH on the sub but I will rank you YTA in this situation. I find the problems as you described them to be developmentally appropriate and expected and your response to be too harsh. 

facinationstreet −  The 2 of you are just playing chicken. Who is going to swerve first? Instead of discussing a compromise on bedtime (for example), BEDTIME on the weekend for a 15 yr old?, you decided that the only solution was to double down or she has to pay…. rent?

She has decided that she can’t swerve now. She’s thrown a fit and admitting she may have been wrong isn’t going to be a good look for her. Sure, go ahead and continue this non-productive b.s. Or, try actually having a conversation where you both listen to each other.

CogentCogitations −  INFO “In exchange, she has the newest iPhone, tablet and laptop.” In exchange for what? You said she constantly lies and refuses to follow rules or complete chores.