WIBTA if I don’t let my aunt come to my child’s birthday after her husband died?

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A Redditor (35F) is struggling with a request from her mother to invite her grieving aunt (Kathy) to her 3-year-old daughter’s birthday party. Kathy’s husband passed away earlier in the year, and her mother has been pushing for more family inclusion.

While the user understands her mother’s desire to support Kathy, she doesn’t want to invite Kathy to the small family gathering. With her aunt’s past behavior and her daughter’s shyness, she feels uncomfortable with the idea. Read the full story below.

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‘ WIBTA if I don’t let my aunt come to my child’s birthday after her husband died?’

I (35f) am close with my mom (68f) and enjoy spending time with her and my dad, as do my husband and 3 kids (6, 2, and 1). My mom has an older sister, “Kathy” who she is close with as well. My family would see Kathy at holidays and probably 3-4 other times a year up until this year.

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In April Kathy’s husband died. Kathy had no children and lives alone. Since his d**th, my mom has pushed to include Kathy in almost every get together. If my family drops by on a weekend, she calls Kathy, she invites us for dinner, she then tells us Kathy is coming, etc.

She has also come over to our house with Kathy when we didn’t invite Kathy to come. Kathy is there almost everytime I see my parents for the last several months. Kathy is not terrible to be around, I know family can be most worse.

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Kathy does however tend to be very uptight, she does not have much of a sense of humor, she can be judgemental about things like my home when she stops by and tends to make passive aggressive comments. She also seems annoyed by my kids who are pretty well behaved.

I don’t mind Kathy being at some events and ultimately my mom can chose who is at her home, plus i do understand my mom is trying to be there for a grieving woman, so I have not said anything. This month my daughter turns 3 and we are throwing her a family party at our home.

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My daughter is quite shy except around “her people” so we are keeping it small with just the two sets of grandparents, her two aunts and uncle, and her 3 cousins. My mom called me yesterday to ask if we could please include Kathy in the party as she will feel left out and she (according to my mom) adores my daughter.

I said I felt weird doing this as no other extended family was invited and I didn’t want to set up for bad feelings. My mom said okay. However today she sent a long text saying how she was feeling so bad about Kathy not coming as she knows she’ll feel sad and that Kathy would not tell others that she as there so likely no one else would feel badly.

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She added that Kathy is struggling so much with the loss of her husband and having events and family around is so important. She is probably correct that other family won’t know and I’m aware many people would be just fine not attending a 3yo birthday. I know grief is hard and at the same time, I just don’t want her there! WIBTA if I don’t let Kathy come?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Remote-Physics6980 −  The child is three, the party is for the child. Not for Kathy. NTA 

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Aggressive_Cattle320 −  NTA Kathy will survive. It sounds like your mother has tried to include Kathy in many gatherings or event because she is trying to help her grieving sister. And being widowed myself many years back, what she is doing it very nice. It helps those who have lost a loved one to keep busy and to have less time to think about their sorrow.

However, I was not invited to everything, nor did I want to be invited to everything. I needed my alone time to process my grief. You want your daughter’s birthday to be upbeat and happy and grieving people can’t always hide their sorrow and tears.

You have the right to decide to plan it as you feel will be best. Tell your mother for the original reasons you told her, you will not change your mind. Tell her YOU need to stay upbeat for the party, and you look forward to seeing Kathy at holiday gatherings. Don’t let yourself be pressured.

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CandylandCanada −  NTA. Mom is including Kathy in many events; this is a kind gesture. Mom is pressuring you to make sure that Kathy is included in *all* events; this is unnecessary, and sets a bad precedent. No harm will be done by keeping this one party small and Kathy-less.

OnlymyOP −  YWNBTA.. You know using guilt is a classic manipulation tactic and you’re falling for it ? You’ve already given your decision. No means No.

Neenknits −  You can say, “Mom. Don’t be ridiculous. Kathy makes passive aggressive remarks criticizing my house and my kids. I let her visit often enough. She is *NOT* going to be given the opportunity to criticize my daughter on her *birthday*. If you wanted her at birthdays, you should have told her to stop criticizing me. And dont bother claiming this isn’t true. I know it is, and you know I know it, so, just, don’t”

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Bigsigma145627 −  NTA It’s not like your excluding her from something huge and it does not seem like she would enjoy it and plus it’s your choice

dryadduinath −  NTA. It’s great that your mom wants to support her sister! But that doesn’t mean *you* have to invite her to things. If it were a big family event, I’d get it, but since it’s just the birthday girl’s grandparents and aunts and uncles, it feels weird to also invite the great aunt who is annoyed by your kids and makes weird comments about your home.

IDK it just doesn’t seem like a great fit. Again, your mom is free to invite her sister to her own events (although I personally like to know who’s coming before I confirm) this is not her event and while asking was fine, laying on the guilt trip is not. 

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OhmsWay-71 −  NTA. You are allowed to have a Kathy free event. Your mom can ask all she wants. Just keep repeating…”not this time mom. Please respect that”

Mrs_B- −  NAH. Your mother is worried about her older sister. Given their ages, I assume your aunt and uncle were married for a very long time. I don’t see how her presence ruins a 3yo birthday party, but you can invite who you like, hence the judgement. Just remember that one day you might be old and alone. It’s heartbreaking.

Alone-Willow-7280 −  Please bear in mind that this is reddit and most advice you get here does not translate well in the real world. I’ve read comments that your mum is a ‘master manipulator’ and that Kathy will ruin the event by being mopey. I didn’t get any of that from reading your post.

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Your aunt is alone and your mum is trying to support her but it’s not going to work for this particular event. It doesn’t sound like any of you are bad people. My advice is don’t listen to reddit on this one.

Is the user being too strict in not wanting to invite her aunt, or is she justified in wanting to keep the party small for her daughter’s sake? How would you navigate balancing family dynamics and personal boundaries in this situation? Share your thoughts below!

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