How can someone who isn’t invited to a wedding be considered responsible for giving a gift?

A Reddit user shared a confusing and awkward situation involving a group of friends and a wedding cake misunderstanding. Carly, a friend in the group who hadn’t formally invited the user to her wedding, assumed the user would gift her a wedding cake.

When the user clarified that no agreement had been made, Carly became upset, claiming she had extended an invitation and suggesting the user was backing out intentionally. The incident has created tension within the group, leaving the user uncertain about how to handle the fallout. Read the full story below for the details of this miscommunication and the brewing conflict.

‘ How can someone who isn’t invited to a wedding be considered responsible for giving a gift?’

The article has the next update at the end.

I would appreciate any advice or suggestions on how to approach this situation. I’ll change the names of those involved. I have a group of friends, though not all of them are truly close to me. Most of them are more friends by association, but we all go out together and have a good time. I do consider Mady and Jessy to be real friends. For Mady’s birthday, I got her a cake. Jessy had a small civil wedding, and Mady offered to bring wine for the celebration at her place, while I offered to bring a cake.

There’s a girl in the group named Carly, and my relationship with her is neither friendly nor unfriendly. She’s always shown some apathy towards me, and I know she doesn’t really like me. I don’t dislike her, but I get the sense we wouldn’t be friends since we have different perspectives.

During the celebration, Carly commented that she liked the cake, and Jessy mentioned that I had brought it. Carly said it was good but that it tasted “a bit dry.” Everyone exchanged looks and changed the subject, but Carly kept talking about the cake. I didn’t say anything about it.

Carly had been planning her wedding before Jessy got married. She used to invite Mady, Jessy, and other girls to discuss prices and ask for opinions on things, but she never asked me for my help or advice. I had assumed I wasn’t going to be invited. Everyone else got an invitation, and I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t receive one.

Jessy wanted to talk to Carly about it, but I asked her not to, as I didn’t want a pity invitation and understood that Carly wouldn’t invite me because we’re not “friends.” Jessy told me she wouldn’t attend if it would make me feel bad, but I told her not to worry about it.

Then, Carly messaged me on WhatsApp to ask about cake designs and filling options. I thought she already had that figured out since her wedding was coming up and she’d been planning it for a while. I sent her the catalog, and she commented on a few options she liked.

She asked if I did the setup, to which I replied yes, and sent her some example photos. She only reacted to the photos with a thumbs-up, and we didn’t talk any further. She didn’t ask for a quote or schedule a consultation, so I assumed she wasn’t interested in my service. This was over a month ago.

Today, we went out to eat, and everyone was talking about the wedding. Her fiancé asked who I’d be bringing (I’m single), so I told him I wouldn’t be attending. He asked why, and to keep the mood light and avoid drama, I mentioned I’d be traveling to visit my parents. He understood, but Carly asked me when I was leaving.

I told her I’d be leaving on Wednesday, and she said, “The wedding’s on Saturday; how are you going to set up the cake and desserts?” I asked which cake she was referring to, and she replied, “The one you’re bringing to my wedding.” I told her we didn’t have anything scheduled, and she insisted she had our messages. I clarified that I had only given her options and setup photos, and since she didn’t follow up, I assumed she wasn’t interested.

Her fiancé asked if anything could be done about it. I explained that the bakery requires a contract and a deposit. Mady asked if Carly had paid a deposit or requested a contract. Carly replied, asking why she would need to, since it was my wedding gift to her and that I should make sure she had her cake for Saturday.

I explained that I don’t handle the bakery’s schedule and that, with the wedding so close, they wouldn’t accept a new order. Carly seemed upset and looked very uncomfortable. I asked for my bill, paid, and said goodbye, saying I needed to go.

I really don’t want to lose my friendship with the group since I’m not from this city and I’ve felt comfortable with them. I don’t want this to create tension, but I also don’t know how to handle conflicts. I know it’s a bit sad that I can’t stand up for myself and would rather avoid confrontation.

Mady told me that after I left, Carly said it wasn’t fair for me to back out after agreeing, and some people in the group hinted that maybe I didn’t want to go to the wedding because I didn’t want to give her the cake. Jessy said I wasn’t invited, and Carly replied that she had invited me.

Update 1: https://aita.pics/mOgfr
Update 2: https://aita.pics/YPFnG

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Lanternestjerne −  This is why you always tell the truth.. Why are you not attending?. I wasn’t invited.. Simple and correct.. When Carly said : you were invited. Ask : when?

chewyruntbutt −  NTA. Carly is awful. I don’t know how much I would want to be friends with people who would be supportive of the way she’s treating you. It’s a good thing that Jessy has your back, but Carly seems to be set on causing major issues for you within the group.

Mother_Search3350 −  Stop entertaining her BS. She didn’t ask for a cake, didn’t invite you to her wedding, hasn’t even ordered a cake. She is on some bad b!tch trip, stop feeding that monster. You are not her friend, she is a friend of a friend.  You owe her absolutely nothing.  Go and visit your family and leave her to deal with her drama. If she doesn’t have a wedding cake, that’s her own problem. 

PhotoGuy342 −  It sounds like Carly is trying to control the narrative do it might be best to explain things to your group—including copies of your correspondence. Otherwise you might lose a few friends who are listening to Carly. Maybe even let her fiancé know.

RevolutionaryCow7961 −  NTA. No invite – no gift. I mean besides etiquette it’s common sense. Please don’t let her be the victim. Let them know you gifted your friends whose wedding you were invited to a cake. You never agreed to make this cake, why she assumed you would gift her a cake is beyond me.

Ratchet_gurl24 −  You never received an invite. You were never asked to make and deliver a cake. Mady clarified that no such request was made. Carly is extremely entitled to expect a non-guest to ‘gift’ her a wedding cake, that was never agreed upon. After being called out, she’s trying to backpedal and claim you were invited, but Jessy clarified you were not. Carly sounds awful. Hope her fiance is paying attention to how his future wife is behaving.

notAugustbutordinary −  The problem with this scenario is that you have allowed people to make assumptions and that lets Carly act as a victim. You need to make it clear to the group that you were not invited to the wedding and that you were never asked to make a cake or she will get people to side against you.

Had you been asked to make a cake there would have been a charge and a contract. Point out that this might have all been different were Carly and you real friends but you are not. You are just people who share mutual friends.

Carly obviously understood this, which is why she didn’t invite you to her wedding, so why would she presume on your non existent friendship to expect that you would be gifting something as important as the wedding cake? You might also be best to post screen shots of your messages. I also wonder what she has been saying to her fiancé given that he thought you were coming.

Clean_Factor9673 −  NTA. Carly didn’t invite you and made a huge assumption that you’d give her a free cake. You have no obligation to give a gift to her without being invited, much less such a big gift. Had she invited you, you’d still have no obligation to give her a cake.

Trick-Substance6841 −  NTA – your conscience should be clear, and anyone who is upset at you isn’t your friend.

7625607 −  NTA. But when the person asked, you should have said you weren’t invited. That way it would have been out there for the friend group, and it’s the most direct answer. If Carly or someone else says you were invited, say you never received an invitation. It’s not being confrontational, it’s just being direct.