AITA for not forgiving my SIL when she didn’t apologize for something she did?

A Reddit user shares a conflict with their sister-in-law (SIL), who used their birthday gathering to announce her pregnancy after an evening of dominating the conversation with vacation photos. Feeling hurt by the timing and lack of apology, the Redditor wonders if they are wrong for not letting the issue go. Read the story below for the full context!

‘ AITA for not forgiving my SIL when she didn’t apologize for something she did?’

Context: I (31F) moved to my husband’s (31M) country 4 years ago. None of my family live here, and his family is nearby. I have a good relationship with my MIL & FIL, and my relationship with my husband’s siblings (F29 & M25) is usually good.

A few weeks ago, it was my 31st birthday. Last year, my BIL (25M) used my birthday gathering to plan his own birthday party. To avoid a repeat, I decided not to make a big deal out of this year’s celebration. I didn’t want to spend money on a party, and I didn’t want the attention to be diverted again.

We decided to celebrate at my in-laws’ house because they have more space. We invited my husband’s siblings and their partners. They arrived late, around 4:30 PM, which is typical for this family and not a big deal. Since I live in a foreign country, English isn’t the primary language.

I know the language but I find it hard to keep up with many fast conversations at once. Everyone spoke in the local language throughout the evening, which made me feel disconnected & overstimulated. Eventually, I gave up trying to keep up and started scrolling on my phone.

The issue began when SIL (29F) asked if she could show her vacation pictures to everyone. In husband’s family, it’s common to share vacation photos at gatherings, but the way SIL asked caught me off guard. She asked for my permission in front of everyone, which made me feel obligated to say “yes.”

I found it rude to show vacation pictures at someone else’s birthday celebration. I briefly excused myself to get coffee. When I returned, BIL and his girlfriend asked to see our wedding photos, which they hadn’t yet seen. SIL seemed disappointed, and she and MIL went to the kitchen, where they had a loud conversation that we could all hear from the living room.

After viewing the wedding photos, we had dinner, and SIL again pushed for us to look at her vacation pictures. She and her husband spent about an hour going through the pictures, explaining each one in detail. Again, it was in the local language, and I struggled to follow.

My husband noticed and told me to put my phone away, which frustrated me further. The last picture they showed was a sonogram and announced their pregnancy. They had many chances to announce this before or after **that day**, but they chose that moment.

I faked a smile, congratulated them, and excused myself to the bathroom. My husband and I left soon after, and he didn’t understand why I was upset. In his culture, it’s normal to announce major life milestones at others’ celebrations, but in my culture, it’s not. We argued about it for the rest of the night and the next day.

An hour later, SIL sent me a text justifying their timing and laughing it off. I responded, saying I was happy for them but hurt by the way they announced it. She later responded, claiming they were hurt by my reaction and that my response had “cast a dark shadow” over their happiness. She didn’t apologize but continued to justify her actions. AITA for not simply forgiving her and moving on?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Background-Ad7590 −  NTA. Both parties have a responsibility to research and respect cultures and customs. From what you’ve told us, it sounds like you’ve done a great job of respecting their customs, even when it is uncomfortable. Where is return of that energy? Why don’t they bother to care about *your* customs at *your* celebration? It would be one thing if it were your BIL’s party, but it was your party. And you didn’t ask for much.

NickName2506 −  I’m Dutch and it is definitely not common/considered respectful to announce major happenings during other people’s parties… Although perhaps not everyone would consider a low-key, family-only birthday a celebration that they shouldn’t hijack.

CinderellaGoneCrazy −  INFO: Have you actually voiced any of this to the family? Would it be difficult to ask them to speak English on your birthday? You might want to stop doing birthday gatherings with them for your birthday and do something you can genuinely enjoy.

Loud-Decision-8444 −  Yeah I’m Dutch (aka from the Netherlands) and nobody I know would find it ok to spend about an hour looking at another persons pictures, especially at a birthday, and to top it then off with a pregnancy anouncement.

Anouncing a pregnancy at someone elses birthday would be ok-ish, but not like this. And it’s also typically Dutch to switch to English when someone struggles to keep up with the speed of the multiple conversations.

stroppo −  NTA. Frankly, it sounds as if they’d have been much happier if you didn’t even show up. That way they could drink a toast to you as an acknowledgment and then get back to what’s really important; themselves.

They obviously didn’t even think of it as your birthday party, but just a gathering at which you unfortunately were at (like I say, I think they’d have preferred you not even be there). I can’t imagine boring people by taking an hour to show them my vacation photos;

if I was subjected to that, my eyes would’ve glazed over w/i 15 minutes. And announcing a pregnancy was another sign they didn’t think this was a party for you; it was simply a family gathering. Remember: as long as you stay with this man, you will always be dead last in his priorities.

Salty-Initiative-242 −  ESH They’re being rude in not being sure that you’re included and engaged in their family discussions. But you are in their country, so it’s natural for them to speak their language and follow their customs, and to a large degree it’s on you to adapt and make more effort. Playing on your phone at a party FOR you is rude too. Sounds like you and SIL are both being dramatic.

Mammoth_Duck4343 −  Being Dutch, I feel so embarrassed about the family’s behavior… Good luck to OP and NTA.

CalumWalker1973 −  Why celebrate your birthday with them? Why not go out with your husband as a couple or with your own friends there?

TemptingPenguin369 −  INFO: So you were scrolling your phone at your birthday party, and you didn’t want others to show vacation photos, even though it’s common in your husband’s family to do so?

WallLucky3219 −  NTA. moving to another country does not require you to give up your previous life and customs. Your husband should have  respected you enough to explain your style to his family. I think the person who asked about your wedding photos may have sensed your thoughts.  If this behavior is so normal, why did the in-laws ask to show vacation photos?

Is the Redditor justified in feeling hurt about their SIL’s actions, or should they accept cultural differences and move forward? How would you navigate conflicting expectations around special occasions? Share your perspective!