AITA for changing my name?

A Redditor shared their journey of overcoming family rejection after being outed as gay and choosing to change their name as a fresh start. Despite making strides toward reconciliation, their family struggles to accept their decision, causing lingering tension and guilt. Was changing their name an empowering choice, or does it unfairly reject their family’s attempts at love? Read the full story below!

‘ AITA for changing my name?’

I was outed as gay after high school, and my parents refused to help me fill out the FAFSA, making it nearly impossible to get student loans. I worked with a social worker to bypass this and managed to attend college. My family made me feel disgusting for being gay, and I ended up homeless for a time after losing their financial support.

Eventually, I changed my full name. My given name reminded me of a closeted, depressed version of myself, so I chose a new and meaningful name that felt like a fresh start. Despite the challenges, I worked through college, graduated on time, and am proud of myself.

Over time, my parents started showing regret. They gave me some financial help in my final two years of college, but it hurts knowing my straight siblings had their tuition fully covered and didn’t have to work at all. Still, my siblings blame me for “ruining” our family by being gay, asking me to delete my social media where I’m “too visibly flamboyant.”

I’ve been told many times that I’ll never be able to bring a partner home. Still, my mom occasionally checks in privately to find out whether I’m in a healthy and safe relationship, which gives me mixed feelings.

The name change remains touchy. My family still uses my old name, which I fine with, but my dad gets upset about my new last name. I told him it’ll change once I get married, and I wouldn’t want my kids to have the last name of a grandfather who won’t accept them. Sometimes I feel guilty for rejecting the name they gave me. I think they’re trying to love me in their own way, but it all just hurts.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Apart-Ad-6518 −  NTA. Despite the challenges, I worked through college, graduated on time, and *am proud of myself*.. Rightly so. Kudos to you! I told him it’ll change once I get married, and I wouldn’t want my kids to have the last name of a grandfather who *won’t accept them*.. Totally. Why should they? Sometimes I feel guilty for rejecting the name they gave me.

Please don’t. You’ve forged a new identity for yourself & your chosen name is part of that. I think they’re trying to love me in their own way, but it all just hurts. Maybe they are but they’ve got a lot of growing, learning & apologizing to do. I hope the hurt eases in time. I wish you the very best. You deserve to be happy.

Nester1953 −  You sound like an incredibly strong, determined person. I hope you realize how fantastic it is that you got yourself to a social worker and made it through college despite the emotional trauma and financial hardships you experienced. How wonderful it is that you chose a new name that has deep meaning for you and cast off the prejudices and mean-spirited crap associated with the name given to you by your truly awful family.

I can’t actually say what I think of your family here or my comment will be removed for incivility. Their cruelty toward you is inexcusable. I am so sorry that you’ve had to deal with their bigoted nonsense.

Please continue to be exactly who you are in person and online. Post what you choose to post. Use your new name with pride. Reject the shame that your family is trying to thrust upon you, when, in fact, they’re the people who should be ashamed of themselves.

I’d like to also suggest that even though everyone should be able to live happily and safely wherever they choose, that if you live in a h**ophobic part of the world, that you move to a city that is LGBTQ-friendly, where you know you’ll have a supportive community.

I hope very much that you get to a point in your life that you’re surrounded by loving friends and a family of choice, to the point that your birth family matters to you less and less and less. They’re the A’s here. Let them take their shriveled little hearts and limp away while you lead a big, loving, beautiful life without them pulling you down.. NTA.

LadyLixerwyfe −  Hi, love. Queer mom of two here. Please, please, please stop accepting these b**lshit crumbs from these people. Do not accept being treated as less than by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally.

They don’t deserve you. You take your new name and wear it proudly. You created that. You are strong and independent and do not need anything they gave you. Create your own family. Embrace people who love you for exactly who you are, which sounds quite beautiful.

OnlyThePhantomKnows −  NTA. My lady’s kid changed their name. We were okay with it. My statement to them was “do it before you graduate” Their dad was pissed. The kid change both first and last name. Last name to his mother’s maiden name.

Their dad still uses the original name, and it hurts them. (Note: the kid is a “they” person and in the LGBTQA+ crowd). Some of their siblings have disengaged from them. One of them, bless her heart, loves them dearly and their spouse. I am sure it hurts that some of their siblings have disengaged. Their sister and their mother love them dearly. They have an old man who has their back (that’s me) and they have a wonderfully kind and wacko group of friends.

You are not alone with the struggle. If you need someone to talk to, message me. I am old, I am straight, but I try to accept people as they are. I’ve had a gay human as a significant part of my life for almost two decades. You need not be alone.

CandylandCanada −  NTA. “Loving in their own way” isn’t showing love at all. They say that they regret their past actions, but they use your old name.

Gileswasright −  NTA – one day though, you will wake up and realise that just because they gave you life doesn’t mean they should be in your life.

Distinct_Actuator_91 −  NTA. I find it very sad that the journey of self-discovery for LGBTQ+ is so incredibly difficult. Family should support their choices, not dismiss or disgrace them. Someone said that if ‘someone wouldn’t support your past, they don’t deserve a place in your future!”

pukui7 −  NTA for rejecting the name.  It’s a mere label, just a word.  Compared to how you’ve been actually treated, it’s nothing at all. My family made me feel disgusting for being gay, and I ended up homeless for a time… I think they’re trying to love me in their own way. Their way is completely inadequate.  Whatever their issues (which i presume are religious), they have failed as parents, and them maybe feeling some regret isn’t meaningful enough.

Glad-Newspaper5561 −  NTA: Live your life, be you!

TemptingSaucySiren −  NTA! Your name, your rules, dude. Changing your name isn’t just about aesthetics; it’s about identity and feeling comfortable in your own skin, especially after everything you’ve been through. Keep rocking the new you, and don’t let them hold you back with the old labels!