AITA for not inviting my mother to go wedding dress shopping and then buying “the one” without her?
A Reddit user shares the dilemma of not inviting their mother to go wedding dress shopping and ultimately buying “the one” without her. While their relationship has been strained due to their mother’s narcissistic and negative behavior, the Redditor initially sought validation from her but was left feeling unsupported and hurt.
After buying the dress without her, the mother became upset, and now the Redditor is unsure if they should apologize for not including her. Read the full story below to get more context and decide if the Redditor’s actions were justified.
‘ AITA for not inviting my mother to go wedding dress shopping and then buying “the one” without her? ‘
I am a 25F planning my wedding for next year. I am very early in the process but have started going dress shopping. For context, I haven’t always had the best relationship with my mom, she tends to be a bit narcissistic and negative towards everything but I’ve learned to get used to it since I was raised by her.
Backstory, I have never felt very “feminine” and usually tend to portray a tomboy vibe. While growing up she would always make comments of my weight or appearance, or even one time while prom dress shopping I said I wanted to feel beautiful in my dress and she said “well you aren’t beautiful, you’re cute, but you’ll never be “beautiful”.
So moral of the story, the first two times I went dress shopping for my wedding gown I took her with me because I wanted validation from her. And I wanted her to think I looked beautiful (I know it’s dumb to do but it’s a trauma thing and I realize it’s a me issue) anyway..
During each of those dress fittings she wouldn’t say anything necessarily bad or negative but she just overall seemed disinterested or somehow made it about her.. at one point I even broke down crying in the middle of the store because of her lack of presence
I was very hurt by her lack of interest or maternal warmth so I decided that the next time I went I would try on some dresses without her to just see if I was less anxious or stressed. I happened to find a dress I loved and bought that day! It was a much better time overall as well and I enjoyed it!
But part of me felt slightly guilty for not including her but mainly upset that she wasn’t offering the emotional support or maternal comfort that I would hope to get from my mother, but I got over it. Until my dad called…
He then told me about how hurt and bothered she is that I didn’t even tell her I was going let alone invite her. And she is embarrassed because her friends are asking details and she wasn’t made aware of any of them because she wasn’t included in the last dress fitting.
He wants me to apologize to her because I hurt her feelings but she won’t even answer my calls and very briefly will respond to a text with a one word answer.. I’m seeing her in person tomorrow but I can tell if I am the a**hole for not including her in a special moment for her also? Or am I justified in my initial thoughts and actions?
These are the responses from Reddit users:
IamIrene − she said “well you aren’t beautiful, you’re cute, but you’ll never be “beautiful”. Wow. That’s really hurtful, I’m so sorry.
You are NTA here but your mother…she’s a real piece of work. :\ He then told me about how hurt and bothered she is that I didn’t even tell her I was going let alone invite her.
You did what you needed to do for yourself because your mother is so unsupportive. And I would tell my father that if I were you. He’s her “flying monkey” sent to try and make you feel bad. Well, you have no reason to feel bad or guilty. IMO you don’t owe her a thing.
She’s embarrassed? Too bad. She’s attempting to make this all about her. Your special moment is YOUR special moment. She’s using emotional manipulation to deflate your joy and make your wedding about her.. You are justified.
Vuirneen − if she was there, you wouldn’t have bought that dress – the experience would have been ruined by your anxiety, just like the other two times. That dress wouldn’t have felt special. You can’t do the same thing three times and expect a different outcome.
You did the right thing by going without your mother, but maybe a supportive friend calling your mom a b**ch would have been the cap to the experience.. NTA. Don’t apologise and don’t go visit.
fiestafan73 − Your mother is hurt and bothered? She basically took a d**p on your first two rounds of dress buying with her horrendous attitude, and had made you feel bad about yourself your whole life. I wouldn’t even mention it unless she demands an apology, at which point I would tell her as soon as she gives one to you.
I get basing your self image on your parents. I really do. But dear, you need to learn yourself for who you are, not the garbage your mother is reflecting back at you with her funhouse mirror.
You deserve that. And if she cannot be kinder, be kind to yourself by going LC with her and any of her flying monkeys she sends at you. NTA. Have a beautiful wedding.
Recent_Data_305 − If you’re waiting for “maternal warmth” – STOP. Your mother doesn’t have it to give to you. You’ll never get validation from her. You’re vying for mommy’s approval. Honey, get therapy. If she didn’t approve of you as a youngster, she never will. You’re 25. Look forwards – or backwards.
Check out the raised by narcissists Reddit. Your dad wants you to apologize so he won’t have to listen to her rant. If you want to throw him a bone, you could say, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but as soon as I saw this dress – I knew it was mine.”
She will still complain, but as you mentioned, she does that whether she is with you or not. Learn this now – You are the only person that needs to be happy with your life and your decisions. I wish she’d be the mom you want, but that’s not how it works. I’m sorry. NTA
aryaelajae − NTA. You tried dress shopping with her twice and she made you feel anxious and stressed both times. I think it’s perfectly justifiable that you decided to go alone.. Glad you found your dress\~
RoyallyOakie − NTA…you have NOTHING to apologize for. You’re not obligated to invite her shopping, even though you did twice. Your father can mind his own business. Feel good about your choice and feel no guilt. Best wishes.
lilmissscheeky − NTA. Your wedding dress shopping is about *your* experience and feeling supported, not about meeting your mother’s expectations
giantbrownguy − NTA. You have been trained to prioritize your mother’s feelings over your own. You need to place yourself first. You need to communicate how your mom made you feel during the previous appointments and why you decided to go out on your own.
She needs to understand that the way to acts is a direct contributor to this outcome. I would argue your dad is likely ignorant and reacting to your mom’s feelings, but he should also be aware of how your mom has treated you your whole life.
Do not accept responsibility for your mother’s feelings. Communicate that you are reacting to the negativity she was bringing to this experience and that her exclusion was a direct result of her disinterest and lack of engagement.
LumiSolstice − NTA. Wedding dress shopping should be a joy, not a stress test! It sounds like you needed to enjoy this experience on your own terms, especially after the tough vibes from the first few trips with her.
Your mental health and happiness come first, and if shopping solo made you feel good and led you to “the one,” then you did the right thing. Maybe explain to her gently how her past actions affected your decision, and hopefully, she’ll understand where you’re coming from. Either way, congrats on finding your dress! 🎉👗
embopbopbopdoowop − PLEASE don’t let your mother’s negativity and self-centring take away from your excitement about the dress you’ve found. Tell your dad that your mother made you cry during your previous shopping outings so you went on the next one without her, and you won’t be apologising for it.The end.
You don’t want to hear anymore on that front. Say it once, then don’t engage. Say the same to your mom when you see her. Walk away from her if she continues to make it about her.
This is about YOU. You looking and feeling beautiful in your wedding dress on your wedding day. NTA. Wishing you a fabulous wedding day and a long and a happy life with your spouse.
Do you think the Redditor was justified in not inviting her mother, given their strained relationship? Or do you believe she should have made more of an effort to include her in this important moment? How would you have handled the situation? Share your thoughts and opinions in the comments below!