Update: AITAH for not helping my boyfriends family after he voluntold me?

You asked for an update and you got one. First, please read my original post: https://aita.pics/vkWju

‘ Update: AITAH for not helping my boyfriends family after he voluntold me?’

If you have read my last post, you’ll know that I refused to help my boyfriend’s family with their home repairs/renovations. My boyfriend was moderately unhappy. His take was, if we’re going to get married one day, his family will become my family. And we should all do our best to help each other.

We had a frank conversation. I explained that I feel like his sisters are kind of needy, and expect help, meanwhile they never offer any help, nor do they have any real useful skills that I’d need them for, to be honest. I made it clear that he’s welcome to use his time, effort, and money, to help them as he pleases. But to leave me out of it going forward. He agreed.

Today he went over there to try to help his sister fix her plumbing in their trailer. He went over there, and they spent six hours trying to fix it. It ended with a broken pipe and sewage and water flooding underneath badly. He called an emergency plumber, who said that pretty much all the plumbing in the trailer needs to be redone, because it’s so old. He quoted them $6k to fix it all. When the plumber left, him and his sister ended up getting in a screaming match in front of the kids.

She insisted that if I came last week things wouldn’t have gotten so bad, which doesn’t even make sense honestly, but she’s a m**on. She insisted that him and I come fix it all for free. He told her off, for always being a burden on everyone and making her problems everyone else’s. She got super offended, and told him to leave since he thinks he’s so much better than her and her kids. The kids were all crying, and it was a mess.

Both SIL’s have been blowing up his phone and my phone. We’ve ignored them. He cried. He’s just been exhausted. He opened up that he feels bad because he promised his dad when he was a kid, right before his dad died, that he would take care of everything. Personally, I don’t think it was fair of his dad to make a six year old boy make that kind of promise. It’s out so much weight on his shoulders over the years.

My boyfriend has stated that it’s time to let them all sink or swim, with everything. He’s just so tired. We’re going to take a break from talking to all of them. If/when we get involved with them there will be crystal clear boundaries, he has agreed on this.

So yeah. That’s all I’ve got for right now. Not sure if it’s a happy ending, but that’s just where we are in life. For those of you who suggested that I leave my boyfriend, I hope you don’t end your relationships over every minor disagreement. Because that will lead to a lonely life. He’s not going to put his sisters first for the rest of his life. But things are complicated. I’m willing to stand by him while we deal with things.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Snackinpenguin −  Oooof. This lesson was super timely for your husband. If you had gone in there to try and fix, OP would have been responsible for the repairs. Likely allllll at her cost too if she “broke” it and because familyyyyy. Yeahhhh… no.

ConvivialKat −  He cried. He’s just been exhausted. He opened up that he feels bad because he promised his dad when he was a kid, right before his dad died, that he would take care of everything. Personally, I don’t think it was fair of his dad to make a six year old boy make that kind of promise. It’s out so much weight on his shoulders over the years.

Ooof! This puts a whole new wrinkle in why he has been acting as he has. Poor guy. The weight of his entire extended family on his shoulders. It sounds like you are working through it, though, which is good. Now that you know where this is coming from, you can help talk him down when he starts to feel “responsible” for them.. Best of luck to you both.

Crafty_Special_7052 −  I think your boyfriend should see a therapist.

Resident_Warthog4711 −  Voluntold. I like that. 

themcp −  Both SIL’s have been blowing up his phone and my phone. We’ve ignored them. He cried. He’s just been exhausted. He opened up that he feels bad because he promised his dad when he was a kid, right before his dad died, that he would take care of everything. Personally, I don’t think it was fair of his dad to make a six year old boy make that kind of promise. It’s out so much weight on his shoulders over the years.

His sister has her own trailer and kids? She’s an adult now, he successfully *took* care of everything, he kept his promise to his father and it has now gone beyond the scope of the promise. He did it, total success. It’s her problem now. He can offer to help if he wants to, but he’s not obligated to, even if you want to count demanding a 6yo be responsible as an obligation.

halfwaygonetoo −  Since the holidays are coming up, I highly recommend that their gifts be:. “Home Repairs for Dummies”. “Home Remodeling for Dummies”. “Car Repair for Dummies”. And a set of tools.

I’m being VERY sincere. They are great books that give step by step instructions, lists the tools and supplies needed for each project and has color illustrations. I’ve had the books since they first came out. So has my brother, who’s a contractor. He uses them all the time. I also give them as housewarming gifts to new homeowners and people just starting out.

Dizzy_Conflict_5568 −  I love a strong resolution when the abusers don’t win.

tmmao −  Solid update. Sounds like you and your boyfriend had some great communication.

djdaem0n −  “For those of you who suggested that I leave my boyfriend” I know i’ve joked about this before, but there is always at least one person (not anyone in particular) who always goes there when it comes to every relationship question on this reddit. SMH lol.

AlleyOKK93 −  I’m glad you stood your ground but it’s a little off putting that your mad people pointed out this could be break up worthy. Your saying he’s carried the weight of his family since he was a kid because his dad made him promise too; but then it’s “he won’t put them first for the rest of his life.”

Like which is it 🤷🏻‍♀️ he lives in your home; offers your help and his family is essentially throwing a hissy fit that’s he crying over after he told you his family is your family if you get married. You literally had to tell him marriage would be off the table if he continued this. The writings on the wall but we all have to learn our own experiences so hopefully he grows a spine.