WIBTA if I take over planning my funeral from my very religious parents?

One Reddit user, facing terminal illness, is caught in a struggle with their deeply religious parents over planning their own funeral. With a wish for a light-hearted, personal service that includes upbeat music, laughter, and a unique cat-shaped urn, they feel conflicted as their parents insist on a traditional, faith-centered service. As they consider taking full control of their final arrangements, they wonder if this choice would be disrespectful to their grieving family. Read their story below for the full context.

‘ WIBTA if I take over planning my funeral from my very religious parents?’

TLDR and the update at the bottom;

Hello, all! Well, if it isn’t obvious already from the title, I am dying. I don’t feel the details are super relevant to the issue at hand, but for those who are curious about my ultimate demise, I have cystic fibrosis and after two rejected lung transplants, I’ve been told there isn’t anything else they can do except keep me comfortable in my last few weeks.

I’ve begun my preparations for my funeral and such and while I was thinking it would be a breath of fresh air in this whirlwind of d**th, I could not have been more wrong. Now, on to the title! My parents are both STRICT Southern Baptists and want a very traditional funeral. This includes; hymns to be sung during the memorial, a casket and graveside service, a viewing, countless prayers during the memorial, scripture to be read, etc.

My issue with this is…well, everything. I am the complete opposite of my parents; not religious, curse like a sailor, drink like the Irish, you name it. Everything they are wanting and attempting to plan is not me as a person. I’ve somehow made it to 25 and managed to meet the man of dreams and marry him last year and he is torn.

He wants me to have it exactly as I want, he just doesn’t want to have to deal with my parents after the fact while actively grieving. I have two siblings, one of which is a clone of my parents and one that is a mixture of my parents and myself. I want my service to be one full of laughter, funny stories and pictures, upbeat music, cats (my husband and I are avid cat lovers), I want confetti and s**t! But, more importantly, I want to be cremated and put in a f**king cat-shaped urn.

I told my husband I wanted my ashes to be handed out like party favors (so my family and friends can take me with them because I love to travel) and he looked horrified. My parents are absolutely NOT on board and are essentially planning everything how they want. Attempting to take me “shopping” for a casket, flowers, picking out hymns and verses, the whole deal. I’m obviously not very pleased.

So, I guess my question would be, WIBTA if I took control of my own funeral and wrote a will to be followed exactly how I want it? I understand my parents are grieving and I’ve tried to compromise with a mixture of both my views and theirs, but, they aren’t having it. I never thought dying would be so f**king stressful and I just want to enjoy what time I have left, without leaving a bomb of emotion and disappointment behind. Please, help.

TLDR: I am dying and my parents want to plan a funeral that “isn’t me” as a person.

Next update: https://aita.pics/YCmZD

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

everydayjonesy −  NTA. It’s literally your funeral. You sound like an awesome person worth celebrating.

jordydannys −  NTA. Please write it in your will exactly how you want it. Your parents are so inconsiderate. As an agnostic individual, I would feel betrayed if i knew my parents were planning my funeral as religious as they possibly can, and burying me instead of putting my ashes into a cherry blossom tree. I don’t care if they are grieving, they need to respect you even if you’re not their to see it.

sukinsyn −  This is controversial, but I’m going with NAH. Your parents are burying their daughter. That is every parent’s worst nightmare. For them, funerals are supposed to be solemn affairs and ironically, they probably think that having the kind of party you want is disrespectful. From their perspective, you are “denying” them a funeral if you have a party instead. And, as the adage goes, funerals are for the living.

Your husband is not an a**hole, because he is right- your parents will probably blame him (easier than blaming your deceased daughter) for “letting” this happen. It’s hard to blame someone who wants to be able to grieve in peace.

You are the least a**hole-ish here, obviously. I am sorry you are going through this, and I 100% understand why you would want your passing to be a celebration. You have the right to do this if you wish, after all it is *your* funeral, but I think there is room for compromise- if you are willing.

Make a list of non-negotiables for your funeral, and have your parents and husband make a “wish list” but limit the amount of items they can have (3 items, maybe?), that you can include or not. By the way, if you want to be cremated- THAT is your choice and no one else gets a say.. Good luck. <3

farmerdoo −  Can I suggest having a huge party while you are still here to enjoy it? Do all the fun stuff to celebrate your life while you are still here to witness it. Then your parents can do a small, boring, religious thing after you are gone and you can be cremated and in a cat urn. If not, then you plan your funeral to be everything you want. Your husband doesn’t have to hang out with your parents if they can’t be nice.

WebbieVanderquack −  NTA. Even if you weren’t sick, if you’re an adult, and you’re married, then the funeral plans are really for you to arrange and your husband to carry out. Tell your parents, firmly, that your husband will be in charge of the funeral, and think about meeting with a funeral director now and explaining that you don’t want your parents to be involved.

Also, probably speaking out of turn here, but giving out ashes to everyone may make some people uncomfortable. Maybe just do this for people very close to you with whom you’ve discussed it beforehand?
I’m really sorry you’e going through all of this, and I hope your last weeks are filled with peace and joy.

90yroldknees −  NTA. If you haven’t already, sign your advanced directives now. These are legal forms that dictate how you want your body to be handled after d**th, which includes choosing a person to decide for your body, like deciding the type of funeral.

lisabettan −  Made an account just to answer you and to say that I’m so sorry for what’s happening to you. You seem like a fun person who enjoys life in spite of everything and I wish you could have had more of it. With this said, I’ll have to go with NAH.

I understand that since you have been forced to accept the fact that your time will soon be up, you want to at least decide how you will leave this world. On the other hand, your parents and your husband are losing you, and they want to give you the send off they want to remember for the rest of their days.

I’m really torn. On one hand, you should be able to make these choices. On the other, if it will just make your last days miserable, maybe just say to hell with it and decide that the time you have left is more valuable?
To be honest, if I were you I think I’d let your husband plan the ceremony.

He knows you, and he also has to be around to face the music, so to speak. Maybe make the compromise to let this be his farewell, his final memory of you? You’re definitely N T A here. I wish you the best for what’s ahead. May your spirit travel everywhere your body couldn’t take you.

Captain_Void −  NTA at all. It’s your funeral. You decide how you want to be remembered. Best of wishes to you.

lamamaloca −  NAH, but keep in mind that funerals are for the living, not the dead. You won’t care by that point. Do you really want to make your husband’s life harder at the time that he’s grieving your loss? Why not let him plan something separate for your friends who would understand while doing a compromise of sorts for your funeral itself? Or do a farewell party before your d**th, that you can actually enjoy?

And I also want to caution against your idea of handing your ashes out like party favors if that is serious. That would be so, so upsetting for many people. People are going to grieve your d**th. That’s ok. They’re allowed to. Please think about the feelings people will be undergoing while planning this out.

Entertanium −  I saw your message today, it’s sad to see her to go away but i’m happy because her sickness is gone and is resting easy. Rest easy my dude, Stay safe 🙂