AITA for calling my SIL a r**ist after she compared my cooking to “making kung pao chicken”?

A Redditor shared a heated family story involving his sister-in-law’s insensitive comments. As an Asian chef married into a Caucasian family, he’s always dealt with a certain level of criticism from his sister-in-law, Sarah, who’s also a chef.

But things took a harsh turn during a family gathering when Sarah belittled his cooking by comparing it to “making Kung Pao chicken,” sparking an intense family dispute. Was his response justified, or should he have handled it differently? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for calling my SIL a r**ist after she compared my cooking to “making kung pao chicken”?’

For context: I’ve been married to my wife for ~10 years and we’re a mixed-race couple (I’m Asian and she’s Caucasian). I’ve gotten along with her family (MIL, BIL, SIL), but I always felt like her FIL and other SIL (Sarah) never liked me.

I’m a professionally trained chef with 15+ years of experience and I work at a high-end Chinese restaurant (a spin-off of a popular one in Beijing) in a large US city. My crew and I have won several awards, and I’ve been explicitly told I’ll be the next executive chef. Sarah is also a professionally trained chef and works at a popular upscale French restaurant in the city. She constantly brags about it and (no joke) compares herself out loud to Ramsay and Bourdain.

Whenever I’m at my MIL and FIL’s house and helping out in the kitchen, Sarah is *always* criticizing everything I do. Whether it’s chopping, braising, marinating, etc., she always butts in with comments like “Umm, I think you should actually do X like this…”. I’ve been patient for my wife and side stepping those comments, saying things like “Thanks, but I think I’ll stick to the way I do it.”

Things came to a head two weeks ago when my wife, FIL, MIL, and I were in her parent’s kitchen prepping dinner for my MIL’s birthday. We were running a bit behind so things were heated (which I kind of like because it reminded me of work) and that’s when Sarah walked in. She took one look at what I was doing, scoffed, and said something like “Oh wow, okay, so that’s not the right way of doing things”.

It hit a nerve and I pretty sternly told her to stop criticizing my cooking and that I’m also a chef like her. She laughed and said “making Kung Pao chicken at some Chinese restaurant doesn’t count”. The kitchen went silent, FIL snorted/chuckled, and my MIL yelled “SARAH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”. I stopped what I was doing, swore at her and called her “a r**ist piece of s**t”, apologized to my MIL for not being able to stay, and left for home with my wife.

Apparently this caused a massive fight after we left, with my MIL/BIL/other SIL taking my side and my FIL/Sarah saying “it was a joke but kind of true” and that I was “being too sensitive”. The extended family somehow got wind of this and now everyone is arguing and taking sides, with my wife even getting texts from some her cousins apologizing for Sarah’s behavior. Despite being on my side, my wife is begging me to apologize so that the fighting will stop but I refuse to because f**k Sarah and her blatant racism.. AITA?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

[Reddit User] −  NTA, “cooking asian food doesn’t count as cooking” IS r**ist, incredibly uncalled for, and shows how much of an entitled know-it-all Sarah is. Glad most people over there are on your side, but yeah, don’t apologize when you did nothing wrong. EDIT: Wow, my post blew up, loving the crazy mix of comments here, and the updates to the main post are amazing to read, can’t wait to see how this clusterfuck ends

[Reddit User] −  NTA. I’m disappointed in your wife. Enabling her r**ist sister and dad over her husband is not a good look. And with the edit, apparently Sarah can’t keep her r**ist mouth shut anywhere and that consequence is on her.

ADG1983 −  Please, for fucks sake OP, DO NOT APOLOGISE. Sarah is r**ist, it may well have been a joke… but it was a f**king r**ist joke. Id be goddamm livid that your wife is telling you to apologise. That is disgusting behaviour from her, and she’s saying that racism is acceptable, even when it’s against someone she loves. At least there are some in her family who don’t think racism is fine. I’d be going scorched earth over this s**t!

RememberKoomValley −  NTA. That is some r**ist b**lshit, and if your SIL is bringing it out at work she *should* get in trouble. I’m Asian and white, and that means that I get to pass sometimes, which has led to me receiving all sorts of educational in-group experiences with white people. Someone who talks like this to your face is a lot worse behind your back.

Then there’s the generalized racism of the entire notion that Asian food is crap and French is somehow elevated. Chinese cooking can require incredible skill and timing. There is literally nothing that French cuisine has that Asian cuisine doesn’t, in terms of delicacy of the art, care taken with flavor and technique, or impressiveness of final product.

Asian food is frequently inexpensive in the States because that’s how our immigrating families *survived;* taking their recipes and making them sweeter and saltier because that’s what white people wanted. But American Chinese food and traditional Chinese food aren’t the same thing. And it’s just filthily r**ist to insist that there’s no such thing as good Chinese. (For non-Asian readers in the crowd, the documentary “Searching for General Tso” was pretty good.)

Your wife is also TA, for telling you to apologize. She needs to grow a spine. What happens, when “the fighting stops,” if it means you’ve had to compromise yourself? Does she realize what she’s asking of you?. ​. EDIT:. In response to the edits:

1. If Sarah gets fired for being a r**ist at work, guess what, the person she was r**ist at ain’t the problem. OP’s wife, who I assume will go through the comments, blaming the victim is not cool.
2. Sarah’s Cousin, that might’a been anthill kicking, a bit? Not sure what you intended to accomplish by it? Hopefully you’re supporting OP, right?

3. Doug, you need to fix your heart.
4. OP’s wife, good job clearing your head. Your husband is definitely not the a**hole here, and it’s not his responsibility to crawl before your sister’s ego just so she’ll stop being outwardly r**ist for a minute.

EDIT AGAIN: if I had a dollar for every time one of George Takei’s social media interns scraped one of my comments for his stupid website I’d have enough for pizza from one of those really upscale places. Do you hear me, Takei? You owe me a pizza!

SourNotesRockHardAbs −  🎵 if you’re r**ist and you’re fired, it’s your fault. If you’re r**ist and you’re fired, it’s your fault. If you’re r**ist and you’re vocal. Expect some blowback from the locals. If you’re r**ist and you’re fired, it’s your fault 🎵. NTA.

Idontcare100989 −  NTA. If she gets in trouble at work that’s on her. They don’t fire good chefs for a simple remark at home. They might however fire a bad person or chef over something like that. She was attacking your career…not cool. What was the FIL’s career? Where’d he work?

ForgottenSalad −  NTA That whole “Classic French cuisine is superior to all those other ‘ethnic’ foods you cook” mentality is thinly veiled white supremacy and racism. Your wife should be urging her sister and father to apologize to you, since they disrespected you.

mooissa −  NTA – and if she didn’t want to be in trouble at work for being r**ist, she shouldn’t be telling everyone at work about how she was r**ist. Lol…I love when they tell on themselves.

cassowary32 −  NTA. Sarah repeated her r**ist statement at work and got in trouble for it. It’s not like you called her job and outed her as a r**ist, she repeated the story, thinking she’s the victim, like a r**ist d**bass.
Why on earth would you apologize? She’s the one that’s been harassing you over your skills as a chef. She needs to apologize to you.

Imadethisuponthespot −  NTA- I’m also a chef, and restaurant owner. Lots of Michelin Stars on my resume. Lots of awards. Lots of certifications. (CMC) My repertoire and experience, and the bulk of my career, is based in French cuisine. Which, I’m sure you’re aware of, is thought as the base of elite cooking.

But, we are also thought of as arrogant and full of ourselves. And it’s a reputation many of us have earned. So…it’s something a lot of our friends and family have learned to deal with. Which doesn’t make it ok.

What you do absolutely deserves respect. And the fact the she and you FIL so quickly snickered at an obviously racially charged comment is very telling. The added fact that your MIL immediately spoke up in opposition let’s you know it’s been a topic of conversation while you aren’t there. And you should easily be able to tell who is a decent family member, and who is an a**hole.

Furthermore, it’s f**king hilarious that she compares herself to Ramsay and Bourdain; two TV personalities that don’t garner much respect within the very high end of our community. If she’d said Keller, Rippert, Troisgros, Lefevbre, or Passard I would think she knows what she’s talking about. But since she didn’t…she’s obviously only learned to act like a French chef. Not how to cook or study like one.