AITA for Refusing to Drop My Ex-Husband’s Last Name?

A Reddit user finds herself in a delicate situation with her ex-husband, who recently asked her to drop his last name after he got engaged to his new partner. Having divorced amicably after 26 years of marriage and raising four children together, the user has continued to use her ex-husband’s last name for practicality, maintaining a connection to her family.

However, during a family gathering, her ex and his fiancé expressed discomfort with her retaining the name, leading to a heated discussion. With her children divided on the issue and her ex-husband now labeling her as “petty and selfish,” she questions whether she is in the wrong for wanting to keep her identity intact.

‘ AITA for Refusing to Drop My Ex-Husband’s Last Name?’

I (56F) divorced my husband two years ago after 26 years of marriage. We have four kids, and the split was amicable. He came out as gay, and we mutually agreed to part ways. Changing my name wasn’t a priority—updating IDs, legal documents, and bank accounts would be a huge hassle. I still use his last name on official documents but go by my maiden name socially.

Recently, he got engaged to a wonderful guy. I’ve been supportive of their relationship, but during my grandson’s birthday party, my ex suddenly asked if I’d consider dropping his last name. His fiancé chimed in, saying it makes him uncomfortable that I still use it.

I was caught off guard and awkwardly joked that unless they want to spend hours in lines at various government offices, I wasn’t going to change it. My ex didn’t laugh. He insisted it’s about starting a new chapter and wants me to “move on.”

The whole situation felt bizarre. For two years, it’s never been an issue, and now they’re ganging up on me? After the party, my ex called and argued that keeping his name makes it hard for his fiancé to feel like they’re starting a fresh life. I countered that our kids still use the same name, and it would feel strange for me to be the odd one out.

What really hurt was learning from my youngest son that his fiancé feels threatened by my name, assuming I’m clinging to some claim on my ex. I’ve made it clear I have zero interest in rekindling anything, but it feels like I’m being pressured to erase a part of my identity. My ex admitted his fiancé is uncomfortable because he sees me keeping the name as a “power play.”

I feel like I’m caught between trying to keep peace and being forced into something just because his fiancé is insecure. They want me to go through the hassle of changing everything for their comfort. I told my ex that I’ll consider it later—maybe after they’re married and settled. But now, he’s furious, saying I’m being petty and s**fish.

My friends think I should stand my ground, but my kids are divided—one thinks I should just give in to keep the peace, while the other agrees that it’s ridiculous to change it just because his fiancé feels insecure.

I’m frustrated. I don’t see why a name on some legal documents is such a big deal, but they’re making me feel like the villain. So, AITA for refusing to drop my ex-husband’s last name even though he’s getting remarried?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

MrsNobodyspecial67 −  NTA. Don’t change your name! I had my ex’s name for 22 years and changing it is horrible. I have so much stuff in that name, but as you stated it’s your children’s name and you will always be their mother. If the fiancé has an issue it is too bad. If you change it you will always be pissed at him for forcing you and if you don’t he will have to get over it.

Seriously stand your ground on this one. It is horrible to change and he is trying to take control of you and your life, if he wins this one it will be down hill from there with every choice you make regarding your kids and life events with the kids and the ex. I can just imagine the other demands he will make if he wins this one.

Thegetupkids678 −  NTA… many people keep their ex’s last name if they have children together and it is such a lengthy and annoying process to deal with especially if it’s not something you actively feel the need to do for yourself.

This seems to be more of a “them” issue that they need to workout as a couple. Why not suggest your ex-husband takes his partner’s last name as an act of solidarity in forming this new family unit and see how he feels about not sharing that name with his children? He probably won’t want to which further justifies your point.

DraconicRuler −  NTA. If he sees it as that big of an issue, why doesn’t the ex change HIS last name to his fiancé’s? Win win for everyone. You two no longer share the last name. They get to be completely each other’s for a fresh start. Your children still share your name. It keeps the peace without making anything your issue. Because they see an issue with it, they have to be the ones to make the change.

NUredditNU −  That’s not just your ex husband’s last name. That is YOUR LAST NAME. It became yours when you changed it 26 years ago. It is still yours and will be until YOU decide it won’t anymore. Anyone else commenting about YOUR name can mind their own business because your name is definitely not it.. NTA.

StAlvis −  NTA. My ex admitted his fiancé is uncomfortable because he sees me keeping the name as a “power play.”. Yeah. Well.. That’s a him-problem.

Mairwyn_ −  NTA – lots of women keep their last names after divorce for various reasons. Some people don’t want to change the last name they’ve been using professionally for decades while others want to continue to have the same last name as their children. And others, like you, don’t want to change it because it can be a total hassle to update everything.

Plus, it adds an additional layer of needing to provide details on the name change every time you’re renewing or applying for something that requires a higher level of verification on your identity. Your ex doesn’t have to live with the hassle; also, he’s your ex so it’s not your responsibility to help him manage his insecure partner.

eefr −  NTA. Demanding that someone else change their *legal name* because you feel kind of weird is absolutely wild.
ETA: This kind of makes me worried about your ex, to be honest. Marrying someone who thinks other people should give up their autonomy to cater to his whims doesn’t sound like a good idea.

Even_Budget2078 −  NTA. Had they approached you honestly and respectfully, maybe you could have entertained this even with all the hassle that goes with changing your name. But, to smear your character and say that you are keeping his name because you refuse to “move on”? Oh hell no, sis. No no no.

Please tell your ex and his fiance in no uncertain terms that their assumptions about why you have kept your family name are insulting and disrespectful to you. You, the person who has been supportive of them and amicably ended your marriage.

They need to apologize and acknowledge that you have zero interest in a “claim” to your ex. If they want to engage on your actual concerns, you can have that conversation if you want to and you don’t have to agree to change your name.

But, I would draw a very hard line here and make clear that NO conversation is happening as long as they lie about your intentions and behave like arrogant assholes telling \*you\* how \*you\* feel. That is unacceptable and I wouldn’t let it go until it is squashed completely (with a genuine apology).

lectricpharaoh −  This guy married you, lied to you about his sexuality and led you to believe he wanted a life with you, fathered four kids with you, and used you as his beard for years, and says *you’re* the a**hole? Naw.. NTA.

andromache97 −  NTA. It’s your name now, and your kids’ name. if your ex’s fiance is this insecure, why don’t the two of them take his last name instead? (i’m assuming it’s bc your husband wants to keep his last name connection to his children like you do)