AITA for texting my wife’s boss to not ask her to dinner?

A man discovered personal texts between his wife and her boss, including one where the boss invited her to dinner while the husband was out of town. Feeling the invitation crossed a boundary, he confronted his wife, but the conversation escalated into an argument about trust.

Frustrated by the situation, the man eventually texted the boss directly, accusing him of unprofessional behavior. The boss responded defensively but did not apologize. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for texting my wife’s boss to not ask her to dinner?’

I found a long string of texts on my wife’s phone between her and her boss. Please understand, we have an open phone culture in our house – we don’t keep secrets from each other, so she is in my phone all the time – no problem.

Anyway, I happened to see her texting and when I went up to her, she quickly swiped away and closed her phone. This was suspicious of her because we are never secretive with each other.A few days later, my curiosity peaked and I decided to browse her phone a bit to see if there was anything that would cause her to act like that.

I found a string of texts between her and her boss. They were recent texts and just personal happenings in our lives. As I read them (there were so many!) I happened upon one where she sent him a text saying that she is declining his offer to go out to dinner.

At that time, I was across the country in another state for a week with my daughter. He knew I was away when he offered. To me, he had crossed a boundary. I don’t care if his intentions were nobel or not, I felt that he was taking advantage of our situation to have alone time with my wife. Outside of work

I expressed my concern with my wife and she spiraled into a massive litany about “trust”. Instead of having an open conversation about why it concerned me.

There was something more than meets the eye going on here (her texts were really long to him, very personal as to our family life, like he now has pictures of the inside of my house, pics of me, and many pics of her walking alone on paths or beaches.)

I told her that I was uncomfortable with all the attention she is giving him, when at the same time, she constantly complained about my shortcomings. She really esteemed her boss. He was so awesome.. Maybe I was just being jealous? But, seriously she was really into him!

So after more fighting, one night I recovered her deleted texts, and screenshot her text about not having dinner with him. I texted him telling him that he had crosses a boundary by asking my wife out to dinner while I was out of state. I told him that he was unprofessional to do such a thing – regardless of his intentions.

He called me and we spoke – he was really defensive talking about being in the “hospitality” industry while they both actually work as finance people.
He never called me a a**hole for a false accusation, nor said sorry.. AITA????

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Traditional-Trade795 −  with her reaction, especially with hiding the text and getting defensive (when you have an open phone policy) – she knows she is going somewhere she isnt supposed to go. your feelings are mostly justified. there may be an emotional affair going on but it doesnt mean that she had anything physical.

maybe you are an a**hole for reaching out to her boss but maybe you stopped this from going to actual cheating (if you dont consider an emotional affair as cheating).. i think NTA

Velvetfool −  F**k this. You’re NTA. I’m confused at a few responses here saying things like “people are often friendly with their bosses” Sure, having friendly relations with your boss is all well and fair, as long as it stays at your place of employment.

I see no reason why employers/employee’s should be in such heavy communication with one another outside of the work place. It’s just highly unprofessional on either part.

Also a few people are claiming that you overstepped your boundaries, when i see next to no one acknowledging that your wife was practically talking s**t about your shortcomings to her employer. That is beyond inappropriate.

They are seemingly ignoring the fact that you only monitored her phone activity after she suspiciously ripped her phone away from you, when you both have an open phone policy. If this was a situation where you were claiming to watch her phone, but not let her access yours, this would be different.

But as you said, you both are allowed on each other’s phones. So it’s only natural of you to develop suspicions, when she’s acting suspiciously. Calling her boss probably wasn’t the best idea. You probably should have both communicated in a healthier way.

But you are not half as bad as these people are making you out to be. Edit: after re reading the post, I may be incorrect about her talking s**t about the husband to the boss. The way he frames it is that she complains about his shortcomings, while constantly messaging this guy. Still, my points stand.

JoeyTannins −  You need to be VERY concerned. Your wife is having an emotional affair with her boss, and she’s g**lighting you about it. It’s only a matter of time before it turns into a PHYSICAL affair. You should tell your wife to start looking for a new job and when she does, she needs to cut off all contact with her current boss.

There is no more telltale sign than the age-old cliche of a woman with a wandering eye telling her partner that he should just “trust” her after learning that she is engaging in untrustworthy behavior.

Your wife’s boss is “putting the moves on” her and not only is she not shutting him down, she’s actively participating in the back and forth and then she manipulated you after you found out.

Salt-Record-1100 −  It wasn’t your place to call the boss. That’s your wife’s job. Apparently, she wasn’t doing it. If she shut him down and he still kept texting her, then you might be in the right. The problem is with your wife.

She, at the very least, had an emotional affair with this man. Not for nothing, she led him on. She made him think he had a chance. You need to set your wife straight. Good luck.

SaltPianist285 −  Nope. He knows that she is married with children. To even entertain the idea that they should be alone together outside of work is preposterous. I’m surprised you’re not more angry.

erit_responsum −  NTA — It’s obvious what is going on here. You gave her a chance to discuss it like adults and she declined. Nothing wrong with then going directly to the guy trying to insert himself in your marriage. But of course the only person with whom you can fully resolve this issue is your wife.

For those who can’t see reality here: Yes, its possible that her boss is an abnormally chatty guy, who is abnormally interested in the mundane details of his employees’ lives independent of s**, who also just happened to want to get dinner alone with a married woman on the weekend her husband happened to be out of town.

Its also possible that the wife is planning a surprise party for OP, it was actually these texts she was hiding from him, and the boss just happened to be texting at the same time. But does anyone seriously believe this?

Even if miraculously this did turn out to be innocent, the wife should be able to recognize the situation as incredibly suspicious and proactively reassure her husband. If a man comes home at 3am, no call, disheveled, and with lipstick on his collar, he owes his wife an explanation even if he somehow did nothing wrong.

Gourd_Gardian −  I’m a little surprised at all the YTA… I find it very concerning that she is entertaining a relationship with him, even though it’s obviously he has negative intentions. Any partner, man or woman, is walking a dangerous road having such a personal relationship when they know the other person has ulterior motives.

He is asking her to dinner while her partner is away. That red flag is humongous.Phone snooping is low behavior, but reddit is normally so quick to overlook snooping when potential cheating is discovered. As if the ends justify the means. She is being personal with someone who obviously wants her, even if they don’t have s** this is an emotional affair.

noinfono −  Going with ESH. Her: based on what you said, there’s feeling between her and her boss. Which is ok, because we’re not totally in control of our feelings for others. But she has to know the boundary and when it gets crossed.

Him: for asking for a date with a married woman. It wasn’t a business thing, it was personal (she would have told you about it and been upfront if it was).
You: probably went a bit aggressive in “calling him out” on little more than a hunch. Also for failing to realize this call of yours could have impacts to her future career.

Puzzleheaded-Safe822 −  Dude, she is paving a way for her to cheat or has already done so. Don’t listen to the guys who say otherwise. Work is work, you don’t talk about life with a boss. Boundaries have been crossed.

Recent-Event-1828 −  Don’t monitor- leave. The moment a woman is sneaky with her phone it’s game over. If it’s her boss now it will be a random at the gym next time, a coworker or a guy she met on a girls night or a ‘guy friend’ she’s been hiding.

Save yourself the trouble, there are plenty of women who don’t behave so utterly filthy. Drop her and replace her with a younger woman with better morals.

Did the husband overstep by messaging the boss, or was his reaction justified? What’s your view on this situation? Share your thoughts below!