AITA for not telling my ex wife I broke up with my girlfriend?

A Redditor found himself in a complex situation after a surprise call from his ex-wife, who wanted to discuss his breakup with his girlfriend. Although they typically only communicate about their three children, she expressed frustration over not being informed of the breakup sooner, claiming it affected her relationship with their kids.

The Redditor maintained that his dating life is his own business and felt that his ex-wife’s emotional reaction was unjustified, especially since she had previously been uncomfortable with his girlfriend living with them. Read more about this family dynamic below.

‘ AITA for not telling my ex wife I broke up with my girlfriend?’

I (45M) got a call from my ex wife (40F) saying she wanted to talk. This is very unusual for us considering we don’t communicate unless it has to do with our kids. We have 3 children in their early teen. I reluctantly agreed and was then bombarded with questions.

She wanted to know why didn’t I tell her I broke up with my ex girlfriend (43F)? How come everyone else was informed when it happened and she was just finding out months after that fact? Why have I been letting my ex girlfriend and her kids live with me and our children if they weren’t together anymore?

Does this mean she and her husband are allowed to come over and see the children now? By now she was emotional and crying. She told me I was an a**hole for not telling her it happen as that means this opened up the door for her to be closer to our children.

I sighed and told her that this didn’t change anything and my dating life is none of her business. I didn’t tell her the first time my girlfriend and I got together either. The only reason I had told her about my girlfriend and her 3 children was because they were moving in. I explained to her I was going to tell her about my break up when my ex girlfriend and kids had moved out.

She didn’t like my girlfriend anyway, so I also didn’t want to tell her because I didn’t want to hear the ‘I told you so’s. This didn’t change anything having to do with our children so its none of her business.

She then freaks out and calls me an a**hole. She says she doesn’t give a crap about me and my dating life. She says my girlfriend was the main reason we had so much turmoil in co parenting. She, my ex girlfriend, was the reason she, my ex wife, wasn’t allowed at the house.

She was the reason my family had to have 2 of each holiday as she refused to be in the same room as my ex wife. My ex wife then tells me, if she would have known we broke up when it happened, then she could have been spending quality time with our children in their home.

I told her she knows now so we can move forward in co parenting our children then hung up. A little context. I have full custody of our children. My ex wife had a mental break down and was deemed unfit. She still sees them every other weekend. She and her boyfriend, now husband, use to come over the whole day to see the kids.

When my girlfriend moved in, she said she didn’t feel comfortable with my Ex wife coming over. So we started having shorter outside visits. After that conversation I went to my parents house and asked them who told my ex wife.

Expectantly my mother says she had let it slip, but she also had no idea my ex wife didn’t know as its been 4 months since the break up. Both of my parents think I’m an a**hole for not telling my ex wife. Am I?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

abdbfnh −  YTA. It sounds like you and your ex gf were actively alienating her from her children and you were letting ex gf call the shots rather than advocating for your children to have a relationship with their mother. So yea it does change the agreements in regards to the kids.

It changed when you started dating her and she insisted mom wasn’t allowed over. She was the one who made it so y’all had to have two of each holiday. Momma is understandably upset you’re incapable of communicating when changes that do affect the boundaries around visitation occur.

If you’re not together, ex gf does not get to dictate those boundaries. Period. She’s a roommate and that’s it so treat her like it. Unfortunately, both of your dating lives are each others business when it comes to introducing new adults to your kids and co parenting in general. Have you even asked your kids what they want?

flower-purr −  You’re the a**hole. Just because of limiting your ex-wife seeing her kids and who cares if it made your ex-girlfriend uncomfortable. Especially now maybe inviting your ex-wife would make her move out sooner. Ha! Seems like you’re still catering to an ex-girlfriend who is manipulating you.

If you don’t wanna deal with this much drama with your ex-wife, why not go back to custody court so she can have more custody. Is she still not stable? Do the kids want more time with their mom or do you not want your kids to see their mom? From your post you seem to be making things harder on your self.

IHaveBoxerDogs −  YTA. And the fact that you left the “little context” until the second-to-last paragraph of a long post indicates you know you were in the wrong. Also, if I were your parents, I would have told her too.

They aren’t responsible for keeping your secrets. That’s four months she could have been spending more time with her kids. I can’t believe you let some random (the recent ex-girlfriend) get in between your kids and their mom.

Natenat04 −  His excuse was she had bad PPD cause he got her pregnant 3 times in 5 yrs, and she had a postpartum mental break. So he got the court to deem her unfit. Then he got a girlfriend who didn’t want a “stranger” around, the actual mother of his kids, so he limited contact further.. He is an absolute a**sive a**hole.. YTA

[Reddit User] −  INFO. Why didn’t you ex girlfriend feel comfortable? Why did she get to dictate the visits between mother and children? That’s what is eye raising the most to me.

thatoneluckyfarmer99 −  YTA. Perfect time to step up on co-parenting, didn’t even drop a hint. Kids should come first, always

Recent-Necessary-362 −  I really wanted to say NTA but the more I read your replies and sit back and really think on this, you’re a huge huge huge ASS! So your ex wife has a mental breakdown and you take the kids right? So yall work out a parenting schedule that works for both of you and the kids are loving it to right??

Then you get a new piece of ass and some step kids, she decided nope not comfortable, you put a disruption to not only your children’a time with their mother but your entire coparenting routine, for new wife right?

Then you break up with her HIDE and yes, that’s what you did by not telling her and not disclosing any information to her about the breakup of you and this roadblock between her and children, and then you have the utter AUDACITY to get mad at her because she’s upset she found this out through the grapevine?!?! Are you freaking kidding me??

Pull your head out your ass and put your kids first for once since you started getting laid by someone other than the mother of your children!!! You are shameless and it’s sad. You think you’re hurting your ex or your being some manly man or having your own life or whatever it is your delusional self thinks, but you are sooooo wrong. You are hurting your kids. And for that sir, YTA and a big ol one at that!

Ok_Obligation167 −  YTA for letting a “girlfriend” dictate when your kids could see their mother. Did your kids want’s and needs ever even cross your mind? Or was it all about getting your d*ck wet? Sounds like the mom was making a serious effort and following your girlfriend’s rules. The kids love her and her husband. What is wrong with you?

[Reddit User] −  YTA. While it’s none of her business, from her pov she missed out on time with her children she’ll never get back because your ex partner overly interfered in your children’s lives.

Arch_FireHeart −  YTA yes very much so! No wonder your ex-wife had a mental breakdown she had you for a husband and the father of her children. Based on your comments alone, you couldn’t be more of an ass.

Your ex-girlfriend was problematic to her relationship with her kids. She didn’t want a stranger around her kids…the “stranger” being the mother of your children. You put your ex-girlfriend above your own children. How are you not seeing that was wrong.

They do not get to see their mother and have a full parent household. And because of their mother mental health issues, she also doesn’t get to have her children in her own home. So this was months where she could’ve had access to her kids again and you honestly was s**fish and only thinking of yourself.

You’re sitting here judging her for crying and asking questions, she rightfully have the right to, since your ex was the reason for the limited access to her kids. Again she isn’t crazy and unreasonable for demanding answers. I genuinely cannot believe you weren’t part of the reason she had a mental breakdown.

Was the Redditor in the wrong for not informing his ex-wife about his breakup, or was he justified in keeping his personal life private? How would you handle a situation like this? Share your thoughts below!