WIBTA if I refused to help my partner with her luggage?
A 25-year-old woman travels with her partner, who uses a large, heavy roller suitcase that complicates their journeys, especially over rough terrain and stairs. The partner, who prefers a smaller and more mobile bag, is often left to carry the bulky luggage.
The woman is considering refusing to help with her partner’s luggage unless she switches to a more practical option and wonders if this would make her an asshole. read the original story below…
‘ WIBTA if I refused to help my partner with her luggage?’
When we go travelling I use a rucksack &small backpack combo which allows me to move about 23/25kg of stuff(one bag on my front one on my back) while leaving my arms free for carrying extra pieces (hostel linen, tote bags etc).
It’s relatively comfortable, and importantly it leaves me fairly free to go wherever terrain-wise. She does not use this approach, instead opting for the bohemoth roller suitcase and a smaller one.
This means she cannot move her luggage over anything but the smoothest of ground(no curb, no stairs, doesn’t fit easily in the boot of a taxi, it’s a pain on buses). The suitcase is a large unwieldy shape and heavy too, airport staff put warning stickers on it.
On top of that, as it provides such generous storage space it encourages overpacking, meaning us lugging around gear that is rarely if ever taken out of the suitcase at stops.
This all means that it is left to me to get our collective luggage to where it needs to be, the latest incident being up six flights of narrow stairs. I’m considering refusing to help in future trips unless she gets a more mobile and practical piece of luggage, is that likely to work and would it make me TA?
See what others had to share with OP:
Lulu_42 − YTA. God above. I am so tired of men like this – you obviously picked a woman who dresses up, looks cute, wears makeup and various accessories that match. That is some of what you were attracted to, no? Do you seriously think it doesn’t come with needs?
It means people like that travel with lots of stuff. If you wanted the type of person who travels with a rucksack, you could have found them and you did not.
My wife also packs an insane amount. Somehow she needs *three* cans of hairspray to travel for the weekend.
And she is incapable of lifting more than 5 lbs. I carry things for her and, while we have had conversations about limiting what is packed for a short trip, I also make sure we don’t book places without an elevator and give thought to how we will get from Point A to Point B.
We tackle it as a problem together. I don’t run to Reddit to complain so that I can show her she’s the AH later on in an argument.
Imaginary-Owl- − OP YOU PUT THIS IN THE COMMENTS?? “Update: she has asked me to add some additional context. We have moved country and we’re going to be here for a minimum of two years. When we’ve previously travelled, she has never asked me for help with luggage.” “I also have some of my stuff in her suitcase.”
YTA, massive. I also pack like your girlfriend and my bf packs like you (even less, he uses only 1 backpack). While I am perfectly capable of managing my huge troller (30 kgs) and my smaller one (10 kgs), as I’ve travelled out of the country on my own with these exact two pieces.
When I travel with my partener, he doesn’t let me touch the big suitcase. It’s the decent thing to do in a relathionship, the “gentleman” thing, if you wish.
No-Jicama-6523 − Controversially I’m going with YTA, the reason being it’s a poor solution to the problem. Seems like you might have different ideas about holidays. Your partner isn’t a back packer, she likely doesn’t want to be climbing six flights of stairs.
If you just pull this out of the hat when you get to your next destination YWBTA. You need to discuss this properly and agree on your destination. ETA I was early, I read all the other answers before posting, OP had very little of substance to say in the comments at that time.
I was the first to choose anything but NTA. They are moving countries and staying for at least two years, I’ve been saying I should have put E S H, but I’m sticking to Y T A. Substantive information was missed out from the original post. Moving with only one oversized suitcase is impressive, I’m yet to discover why they are moving around so much.
Livid_Painting2285 − This reminds me of when my husband complained about me packing too much and being annoyed. Thing is, I need more stuff than him generally as I am a woman with long hair and crap skin.
I need my hairdryer and straighteners (he doesn’t) I need my skincare, make up, make up brushes (he doesn’t) so unless I want to go out on holiday looking like a gremlin, I’m always going to need to pack more than him. If he complains again tho, I might call his bluff, leave it all at home and dress like a man for the holiday and see if he prefers that.
Total_Inflation_7898 − My mother taught me that if you can’t carry it, don’t take it. I travel a lot and have recently bought a smaller suitcase to improve my packing. (I take tips from the One Bag subreddits for my one bag and a suitcase trips).
Diplogeek − Hahaha, I was on the “either everyone sucks, or no assholes” fence *until* I discovered in the comments that you’re basically lying by omission in your post. You’re not just going on a two-week tourist trip, are you? You *moved to another country for two years.*
That’s a completely different ball of wax than, “We went away for a week and my annoying girlfriend packed three giant suitcases that are all overweight, and she can’t/won’t carry any of them.” She’s moving for two years. Of course she’s going to pack a huge bag.
*Most* people would bring a ton of stuff if they’re moving for that long a period of time. That’s great that you’re apparently happy to move with three pairs of undies and a t-shirt that you carry around in a ziploc bag in the back pocket of your jeans, but that is not typical, and this situation is not, in fact, “going traveling,” it’s moving, and the two are adjacent but not identical activities.
YTA. Stop being mean to your girlfriend, who seemingly likes you well enough to pack up and move to a whole different country with you. Be honest about what’s actually going on and put it in your post, not hidden away in the comments.
And I hope you never, ever ask to use any of the stuff your girlfriend packs that you didn’t bring from your home country after you’ve been giving her such a hard time over how she packs for a big move. C’mon, dude, do better.
InappropriateAccess − INFO: Does she put anything of yours or any shared items in her luggage?
xoxnothingxox − YTA sorry. women have to carry way more things in general, from hair & skin products to shoes. and they often end up being the carrier for the other person traveling (which you’ve admitted in the comments is the case and some of your items are in her bag).
also women’s clothing tends to be more delicate and isn’t going to fare well jammed into a backpack. if you’re truly concerned about this situation, take her shopping to buy a new mid-sized rolling suitcase. i’ve had this same problem you describe;
one mega suitcase that has too much space and promotes overpacking, but it was my ONLY suitcase and i had no choice. the problem was solved when i got a second suitcase that was more suited for shorter trips and easier to manage by myself.
it’s the mentality that instead of helping to solve this, or having understanding and empathy towards her needs, your “solution” is to punish her by not helping that makes you T A.
Local_Initiative8523 − I used to pack light, really minimal and my wife isn’t great at it, so she always used to ask if we could swap bags since hers was heavier. After a while I got fed up of never having stuff I wanted, but still having a heavy bag, so I decided to just pack normally..
Now I carry both bags…
But honestly, I think the point here is just about being reasonable. If you are physically stronger, you should help her. Equally, she shouldn’t pack without any regard to weight just because she knows you will be carrying it. It’s really just about respecting each other and trying to work together.
Could she physically carry 25kg of luggage around all day on her back? If not, you aren’t being reasonable. Could she easily pack less if she worked at it? If so, she isn’t being reasonable. Just work together
What do you think? Is it fair to set this boundary about luggage? Share your thoughts below!