AITA for telling my friend we all hate her bf?

A Redditor recently told her friend how much she and their group dislike her friend’s fiancé, hoping to prevent her from marrying someone she thinks isn’t a good match. The friend didn’t take it well, and the rest of the group, while they agree with her feelings about the fiancé, feel she went too far by speaking up and involving them. Now, she’s wondering if she overstepped or if her honesty was justified. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my friend we all hate her bf?’

Hi all, first post so sorry in advance if its hard to follow. I (31F) have a close friend (28F) who I’ll call Tina. She’s been dating her boyfriend (33M) who we’ll call Matt for 2 years. Matt is generally an a**hole, flakey, and inconsiderate, for example not even getting Tina a present on her birthday because “she had enough s**t”. Great guy, I know.

Last week, Tina announced at dinner their engagement. I was horrified, and talked to our other friends about it the next day. They all hated Matt, but loved Tina and didn’t want to hurt her, so they told me not to say anything. I couldn’t do it. A couple of days ago, Tina and I had a planned lunch.

My ability to stay quiet grew thinner and thinner until she started talking about the wedding, and I couldn’t take it anymore. This is where I might be the AH. I broke, telling her marrying Matt was a mistake. He didn’t care about her and didn’t deserve her.

She blew up at me, telling my I ‘barely knew him’, that she was the love of his life and he of hers, and that I was a terrible friend. I tried to explain that I was only telling her to save her from this marriage, and not to hurt her. She said that just because I was ‘jealous’, I shouldn’t ruin her special day, and I got mad.

I told her it wasn’t just me, to find someone who actually likes him, that we all hate him, and stormed out. She called our friend group and told them what I said. I woke up yesterday morning to texts from all of them saying I shouldn’t have involved them, or said anything in the first place, and I was an AH. It’s starting to get to me, so AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

EJ_1004 −  YTA for speaking for the group when they told you not to. You can hate Matt, you overstepped when you involved the group. Now everybody gets to be mad at you instead of Matt (the real issue).

You’re a great friend for telling Tina that Matt is not liked and why. Tina wasn’t ready to hear that. What did you expect? For her to thank you and break off the engagement? Situations like this have to be handled delicately and you should always be prepared for the worst.

Tina reacted badly to information she didnt want to hear but then you doubled down and made it worse for everyone involved, now Tina knows her whole friend group doesn’t like her partner and that they lied (by omission) for quite some time about it.

Your congrats weren’t genuine and that’s going to smart which means Tina may not rely upon her supportive friend group…but instead may turn to Matt who you were hoping to get rid of.

Limp-Star2137 −  Yeah, you became the AH the minute you said you spoke for the group. YTA. 

Burning-Taint −  * for example not even getting Tina a present on her birthday because “she had enough s**t”. Great guy, I know.* That’s between them and isn’t your business. YTA, don’t involve other folks in your plans. You don’t get to speak for everyone.

RubyScarlett88 −  NTA as someone who has had to watch their best friend be treated like s**t by their S.O but they refuse to leave because they have kids. I wish I had spoken up louder before that first kid. She dislike/tolerates her life but doesn’t want to break up her kids home. It’s hard to watch knowing your friend deserves better.

Lucy-star-cat −  YTA. They didn’t want to get involved. You involved them by force and made it look like they gossip about your other friend behind her back. They have a right to be upset about that. You were trying to help, and it wasn’t wrong to state your opinion, but bringing the others into it is where you became the AH.

chaenukyun −  NTA — People too frequently sit by while the people they love and disrespected and poorly treated. Something needed to be said, unfortunately it may be at the expense of your friendship with Tina. Hopefully she’ll wake up and realize that he may not be the person for her.

It’s also sad to see how your other friends all agreed he was terrible, but chose to remain silent. Obviously Tina is going to be hurt and respond angrily, and yes you saying something may not change the status of their relationship, but it’s better than remaining idle while she drives into a car wreck.

gotitadeamor76 −  INFO: I don’t have enough info to know if you are justified in actually hating Matt. Having too much s**t is actually a good reason not to buy someone a material gift, did he treat her to an experience instead? Dinner? Was she okay with it? Without more information about the relationship I can’t pass judgement.

gecko189 −  light yta – when someone’s in an unhealthy relationship, as frustrating as it is, telling them they’re making a mistake – that they’re the problem, that they are doing something bad – never has the outcome you’re hoping for.

The best thing you can do is to not stand by during the moments your friend is disrespected. Hold the partner accountable in the moment they do something s**tty. Validate your friend when they feel hurt or taken for granted. Stay curious about the goings-on in the wedding planning process.

Make yourself a safe space, a person they can trust to not judge them. righteous tirade about how you know best for them – while may be true sometimes! – never pans out.

Their s**tty partner will be right there to use that to further control and isolate them from their friends. You definitely don’t have to be excited about the engagement, you don’t have to lie! But don’t put your feelings ahead of your friend’s feelings.

TBIandimpaired −  Honestly, instead of saying anything negative about Matt at first, you probably should have just said, “I support you, and only you. I may hate Matt’s inability to spoil you like you deserve, but if you love him, I want to help you. I am always there for you.”

Because by the sounds of it, this relationship won’t last. And if it does, when she discovers she wants out, she will need help and supportive friends. Make your statements about how you want her to be treated, avoid talking about Matt all together.

pamelaonthego −  For what it’s worth, I probably would have done the same thing but it probably will kill your friendship. It’s sad to me that we see our friends date toxic men and we choose to sit in silence. NTA

Was she wrong for being so direct with her friend, or was it the right choice to speak up? How would you handle a similar situation if you thought a friend was making a big mistake? Share your thoughts!