AITA for telling my girlfriend I’m bothered by the way she and her family treat their house staff?

A man felt uncomfortable during a stay at his girlfriend’s family’s beach house, where the family’s treatment of their house staff seemed dismissive and elitist. He tried to handle small tasks himself, like making his own coffee, but his girlfriend and her family insisted that the staff should cater to them.

After the trip, he expressed his discomfort to his girlfriend, who reacted negatively, saying he was judging their lifestyle and unfairly withholding his feelings. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my girlfriend I’m bothered by the way she and her family treat their house staff?’

I’m (25M) dating this girl (24F) for about 5 months. I knew her family was well-off based on the stories she told me about her upbringing, but I didn’t get a chance to meet her parents until this week when we all went to their beach house to spend a few days and celebrate her father’s 60th birthday.

The house wasn’t just HUGE but it also employed a staff of about 8 people. I was never used to being served like that, and I witnessed some behaviors from my girlfriend and some of her family towards the workers that made me feel uncomfortable. Some examples:

A) after our first night, I heard her mother tell one of the housekeepers to clean the bedroom my girlfriend and I were staying in; I told her mother everything was in order and that I already made our bed before leaving; her mother then told me (in the presence of the housekeeper) that I shouldn’t bother because that’s her (the housekeeper’s) job.

B) the other morning my girlfriend and I woke up after everyone else had their breakfast; I went into the kitchen to grab some coffee and saw the cooks were already starting to prep for lunch, so I told them I didn’t want to bother them and made the coffee myself;

my girlfriend came into the kitchen moments later and saw me making coffee; later that day she complained to her mother (without even asking me how things came about) that the cooks left me to make my own coffee. I had to explain everything.

C) on her father’s birthday, they had a fancy dinner with some other guests that came just that day, and some of the staff was made to stand in the room with their backs to the wall as we sat at the table and ate (it was like some Downton Abbey s**t).

I kept my mouth shut for the entire trip, but as soon as we came back I couldn’t hold it any longer and told my girlfriend it made me really uncomfortable to see how she behaved towards the staff and also gave some examples of instances when I felt her parents were rude to them.

My girlfriend didn’t take this well. She said that I’m the AH here for judging their lifestyle. In her mind we had a perfect week together and I was withholding my judgment until I could unleash it all on her. I don’t think I’m an AH for speaking my mind.

See what others had to share with OP:

Icythyosaurus −  Obviously people, regardless of their job, should be treated with respect. But, I just want you to consider a different perspective for a second – the staff might be 100% ok with the behaviour you saw, if they’re paid enough/feel confident that it’s better than other job options.

An outsider seeing my job would probably think some parts of it are ridiculous, but those parts are worth it to me as the person actually doing the job. For example, when your gf’s mother said “don’t make your bed, that’s the staff’s job”, a staff member hearing that might think “she’s right, please don’t do my job for me because then she has no reason to pay me for that job.”

I’m not saying you’re in the wrong feeling uncomfortable with the behaviour that you saw, I’m just cautioning you that you might be white-knighting for people who are actually ok with the work environment that you saw 

blearghstopthispls −  I feel you, and I get where you’re coming from but in this one occasion YTA sorry. It is a paid housekeeper’s job to make the bed. You put the kitchen staff in a bad spot: they were not supposed to let you make coffee but they couldn’t contradict you as the boyfriend of one of the family.

The staff, like any other waiter at a restaurants, just stands around and stands by waiting for the moment to bring the foods in or the plates away. Imagine you were in a hotel. The cleaning crew has a job to do, that job includes the bed, the bathroom, the towels…

Imagine you go to a café and want to make your own coffee as to not disturb the employees. Imagine you’re in a restaurant and ask the waiter to sit down and eat with you or you just bring your own plates glass in the kitchen.

It’s just not OK, not how it’s done, and above all, those are working people with a job and job descriptions. You have to respect that. Your girlfriend should have told and prepared you, but perhaps she didn’t know she needed to. That’s her fault, maybe she’s just naive, I don’t know.

The fact is, that’s the way things are run at her place. Can you accept it and not see it as exploitation (the staff is working and is compensated) or does this make you uncomfortable?

The_Wise-ish_Rabbit −  Soft YTA to the question asked but E H S.

A. Do you know what a housekeeper is? Cleaning and tidying up is her job… you’re acting like it’s not respectable. Sounds sort of hypocritical with a hint of self righteous. That being said, the polite thing would’ve been to explain to you what job responsibilities the housekeeper has in a more delicate way.

B. How did your gf and her mom respond once you clarified? Again cooking, coffee, etc. for the house is the cooks’/kitchen staffs’ job… if they’re ignoring the owner’s guests’ culinary needs then they’re not doing their job. If they still were going to reprimand the cooks/kitchen staff after your explanation then that isn’t cool—unless they’re supposed to take over for guests.

C. Again… I’m not sure what’s the problem here. If the servers’ job is to serve the table then why do you expect? Did you expect them to stand in another room peeping around corners or through windows like a stalker?

MiddleUnhappy9463 −  You are suffering more from shock about how people can live this way more than anything. It can be hard to confront. It also seems like you are intimidated and by taking the route of “they are treated horribly” you feel better about yourself. I don’t think they were a**sive or rude.

They are paying for services and expect a standard. You wouldn’t bat an eye if a small business owner asked the same for their own staff. YTA here because you are suffering from your own insecurities, masking them, and then taking it out on your girlfriend.

Polly265 −  YTA. I don’t see anything disrespectful here, except for you. Going into someone’s workplace (the kitchen) and demanding to be allowed to make your own coffee? Would you do that in a restaurant, cafeteria?

Do you know how annoying it is to be getting on with your day and have someone come in going “don’t mind me, just getting coffee. By the way where is the coffee, where do you keep the cups. Sorry where are the spoons, do you have sugar by any chance”.

The house keeper is perfectly capable of noticing that you made your bed and would probably just have a quick check on towels and such, no need to interfer with her job. This was not a case of a**sive employers they were simply giving instructions to their staff.

MyJoyinaWell −  YTA Your girlfriend and her family sound like they treat their staff with respect. I was expecting unreasonable demands, public scoldings, insults, long hours, something abusing..nothing.In your discomfort, you were the one disrespecting staff, by acting as if their job was embarrassing or unnecessary.

The housekeeper will have to change your bedding anyway after your stay, so you making the bed doesnt help anyone. If staff are working on the lunch and you turn up in the kitchen and start opening cupboards to find a cup for your drink, you are causing them an inconvenience.

If later on they are told off for allowing you to do that, when they weren’t in a position to send you away in the first place, then it’s more than an inconvenience. Why do you think that waiters are called waiters?

when you go a restaurant, does it bother you the staff hangs around your table to see when you are finished or if you need another drink? Do you barge into the kitchen and grab your own food?

You were making everyone feel awkward and then you exploded to your gf to have a go at the unspeakable things she and her family do to other human beings.. You knew your gf is wealthy. Get over yourself

Bench_Inevitable −  YTA. It is true that it’s the housekeeper’s job to clean the rooms. There’s nothing wrong or disrespectful with what she said. Same with the kitchen hands. They are doing their duty as a host and making sure the staff makes sure you are taken care of.

You are judging their family and blowing off on your girlfriend without thinking first from their perspectives and after receiving their hospitality. If you’re too insecure and classist, admit it and break up. Don’t project your insecurities.

Ok_Ball5877 −  YTA It’s important to respect the roles of those who work for us. Housekeepers make beds, clean rooms, wash clothes, iron them, and put them away. Cooks and bartenders prepare food and drinks, while waiters clear plates.

Expressing gratitude with ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ is appropriate, rather than cleaning up after yourself at the table, as it can imply they haven’t done their job. In our culture, staff are often paid a fraction of what we pay. Many of them have become like family over the years.

New staff members are already under pressure without added stress from customers like you making them look bad. Just as we tip in hotels, where services are not directly included in the price, here, staff are compensated, hopefully adequately for their work. It seems like you don’t consider their job to be a real job. To me, you’re the one denigrating them.

Confident_Elk_9644 −  Does she act this way when you go out to dinner?

Chriistah −  I don’t really have any reference for this never having had a huge ass house or staff 😊 …but what stuck out to me was when you made your coffee she complained about the staff without checking first… and it overall made me feel uncomfortable. I think I’d move on as incompatible

Was he justified in speaking up, or should he have handled it differently? Share your thoughts below!