AITA for refusing to take my ex’s nephews out after finding out my ex is dating someone new?

A Redditor shared a dilemma involving her ex’s nephews, who have remained close to her since she helped raise them. After discovering her ex is in a new relationship, she feels used for taking care of the boys while he spent time with his girlfriend.

With Halloween approaching, she’s unsure whether she should continue taking them out or set boundaries, especially since they have no idea about his relationship.

‘ AITA for refusing to take my ex’s nephews out after finding out my ex is dating someone new?’

I , 33 female, had a n**ty breakup with my ex, 33 male. We met in high school and dated from ages 20-28. Long story short we broke up many times and among the reasons was cheating and STDs. He being the c**ater. When we first started dating he was highly involved in his nephews lives.

They were 3 and 1 at the time, now 16 and 14. In 2022, my ex and I started hanging out as friends again. I know bad idea. This lasted about a year and ended with him leaving me alone at night while on a trip in Boston.

We had a small disagreement and he walked off with room keys, subway passes and credit cards. I had 10% battery on my phone and was able to hail an Uber to the hotel where I begged the front desk to give me access to the room. It’s been a year and a half and I still have no contact.

His nephews lovingly refer to me as an aunt since they grew up very close to me. I’ve taken them out several times throughout the past year. We avoid discussing their uncle and when we do it’s them that initiates it. I politely change the subject. Times they have discussed him, they say he’s really let himself go, he’s a recluse and alone.

We had always discussed if he ever dated anyone my access to the kids would stop out of respect for his partner. Call me weird but I think it’s weird having an ex hang out with your family. So last week I noticed on Facebook a name keeps popping up in my recommended friends.

Curious I looked at the page and it’s his current girlfriend who he’s been for 5 months. He also hasn’t been a recluse. All the times I’ve taken them out have been bc he was with her. Essentially pawning off his nephews on me bc he was too busy. Now I don’t care that he’s dating someone.

My feelings are long gone. My question is, do I discuss with his nephews? Halloween is coming up and I know they like me taking them to the events. Am I wrong for no longer doing so? Do I need to discuss with him? I prefer no contact but if I need to set a boundary I will. Help!

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

DubiousPeoplePleaser −  Yta so you only kept in contact with the nephews to have access to your ex? Because that is what is sounds like. The moment he was no longer single you drop them like a hot potato.

Either you care about them and love them for who they are, or you only see them as an extension of your ex and don’t love them for their own sake. Your nephews lied about your ex being a recluse because they feared loosing you. Guess you proved them right.

alleymind −  YTA for continuing to develop a relationship with these boys knowing you’d one day stop it abruptly when your ex started dating someone new. I agree with you, it is weird having that ex still hanging with your family, but you should’ve cut that tie years ago. Instead it seems you’ve carried a relationship with the nephews ultimately being a safe space for them, only to just cut them off with no warning.

I get you mean well, but you’re going about it wrong. Your ex sounds like a piece of work, and I understand if you want to be rid of all ties with him completely, and if that’s the case, that’s what you gotta do, but don’t do the back and forth with the nephews.

CATTYBAG −  Girl…. Live your life. Why are you making life decisions based on this man? So are you going to cut his nephews out until he breaks up with his gf and then buddy up with them again after that? Those kids deserve way better than your little flip flop game you want to play with them.

You say you’re over him but I can’t see any reason why you’d want to facilitate a relationship with him because let’s be honest, you’re still in his life. You’re using his nephew’s as an excuse. Cut ties with everyone, there’s so many other people out there, especially ones that haven’t given you a literal std. you’re giving his new relationship more curtesy than he ever gave yours. Be so for real….

Suzeli55 −  You’ve been doing things with his nephews for a couple of years even though you were broken up? So just because he’s got a girlfriend now, you’re going to d**p the kids? Why? Kids take this type of r**ection very personally. If you enjoy their company, keep seeing them. Don’t hurt their feelings because of your j**kass ex.

Early-Tale-2578 −  So you been in these children’s lives long enough for them to call you an au t and because your ex is now dating someone new you’re just gonna bounce and stop being in these kid’s lives ?? That’s messed up YTA.

ssddalways −  YTA some random woman and an ex who fuvked you over repeatedly are more important feeling and comfort wise to these 2 young boys who think of you as an aunt, who you love and they love you? Get a f**king grip.

You aren’t some martyr here who will be thanked and thought of positivity. You will be essentially discard g these 2 boys who will assume you hung with them to get close to their uncle but now he has a gf you can’t be arsed with them. The boys are more important here. If you are pissed at your ex for whatever don’t use the kids to get even.

Apprehensive_Let961 −  YTA. It sounds like there is more here than you’re willing to admit. His nephews have nothing to do with his love life or relationship, you should be hanging out with them because you WANT to hang out with THEM. They’re nearly adults by now. By now they can understand you aren’t involved with him anymore.

What it sounds like is that you’re still trying to engage with your ex, who is an a**hole. And doing so vicariously through the nephews. You went on a trip with him as friends, and he had access to steal all your stuff? Sounds like more than friends. You’re upset that he isn’t a recluse and moved on?

Sounds like more than friends. Be glad he moved on and move on yourself. Engage with the nephews if you want to, you don’t have any contracts that prevent that. It doesn’t matter what he wants, what he’s doing, or who he is with. FAR too long to obsess over an ex.

Ok_Passage_6242 −  YTA. I think he jumped the gun on some thing that you wouldn’t have found out if you weren’t a super sleuth. If you’re enjoying your time with the kids, I feel like he’ll tell you when it’s time to introduce the kids to his new girlfriend. However, it’s completely inappropriate.

He’s using you to care for them so that he can be with the girlfriend. This is an adult problem repercussions so talk to your ex first and find out what the hell is going through that Dumbo head of his. Because pulling a stunt like this can hurt to teenage boys.

Then I would make some decisions about what to do. But if they’re looking forward to Halloween, it would be really sad if you stop seeing them before hand. Before you got the picture of what’s going on

PuffPuffPass16 −  You should have made a clean break, now you are going to hurt two kids who are caught in the cross fire. YTA.

polandreh −  Wait wait wait…. you said: I’ve taken them out several times throughout the past year.. And then you change it to: Essentially pawning off his nephews on me bc he was too busy. Which is it? Do you take them out because you want to or because you’re being asked? Are you even in contact with your ex? Because it doesn’t sound like it

We avoid discussing their uncle and when we do it’s them that initiates it. I politely change the subject. Times they have discussed him, they say he’s really let himself go, he’s a recluse and alone. Here’s what I think.

You and your ex decided that, if he ever started dating someone, you’d stop seeing the nephews. The nephews are aware of this, and thus hid from you that their uncle is seeing someone, for fear they will not see you anymore. This alone makes YTA, since it seems their fear is justified.

Next, you haven’t had a problem hanging out with the nephews. You only have a problem now that the ex is seeing someone because you’re twisting it to make it sound like you’re being taken advantage of. So, that too makes YTA.