AITA for ”being partial” towards my kids?

A mother of three faces criticism from her mother-in-law for allegedly favoring her biological children over her friend’s son, whom they took in. Despite her efforts to provide fairly for all the kids, her MIL claimed she was being partial, making the mother feel like a bad parent.

After a heated dinner, her husband supported her decision not to apologize. The mother is now questioning if she is in the wrong. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for ”being partial” towards my kids?’

So I (27F) had three kids, 6M, 3F and a newborn ‘A’ with my husband (33M). Due to some unforeseen circumstances, we took in my friend’s son, ‘B’ who was born one day after my last kid. Naturally, we’ve had to rebudget, since this wasn’t planned, and money is a bit tight right now.

We had to cut down on a bunch of things, and though we tried to avoid it, so did the kids. My husband had been trying to find a better job, but he hadn’t had much luck. Cut to a few months later, my husband just landed a better job, and my MIL invited us to dinner.

At one point, while my husband and FIL were talking, my MIL asked about the kids, and from there we spiralled until she went off on me about how ‘A’ gets new clothes, so did the older ones, but ‘B’ gets hand me downs, ‘B’ has to drink formula but I breastfeed ‘A’ and did so for all her older siblings, etc. etc.,

how I’m being unfair towards ‘B’ just because he isn’t my biological son, that I’m being partial towards my biological kids and that makes me a really bad mother. I felt hurt, because I’d been trying to make sure it wouldn’t come off that way. We just bought new clothes for both ‘A’ and ‘B’, and both had to take hand me downs previously, we’ve tried to keep things fair.

I ended up crying, and we went home. My MIL texted right after, saying there was no need to be so emotional when she was just telling the truth, and I didn’t let her son have a nice dinner in peace. I feel guilty for my husband having to leave dinner early, and I didn’t mean to turn things that way.

MIL wants me to apologize, but my husband asked me not to apologize unless I think I’m wrong. This whole thing is making me feel like a bad mother, and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong here. So, AITA?

Edit : Thank you all for the supportive comments! I told my husband I’m not going to apologize, and he thinks it’s the right decision. Many comments have brought it up, so just to clarify, he was having a conversation with someone else while this was going on.

Once he noticed that I was crying and his mother was berating me, he said we’re leaving, and drove us back home. He thinks his mother is completely in the wrong and the only reason to apologize is to maintain the relationship, which he’s never been interested in.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

TAforScranton −  Girl. If nobody has told you this: you’re killing it. You’re a good mama. Newborns don’t need brand new things. They grow out of things way too fast for it to matter. Hand me downs are totally fine, especially for babies number 3 and 4! Why buy new things when you already have used ones that work just fine?

When they’re older they still deserve new things but you still have like three years before it even matters! Until then they’ll never know the difference. Like… dude you can give babies brightly wrapped Tupperwares filled with spoons for Christmas and they’d be happy. Don’t stress about that.

Nobody gets to decide how you feel about breastfeeding. That’s all you. As long as A and B are both getting full bellies, snuggles, and clean diapers that’s all that matters!
The only thing that would start bringing you to “a**hole territory” is if you named B “Harry” and forced him to live in the cupboard under the stairs while A “Dudley” has two bedrooms and bullies him on a regular basis.

hendrix-copperfield −  NTA. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your MIL is way out of line. “Just telling the truth” is often a phrase used to justify hurtful comments, and it’s clear that her words were more about criticism than genuine concern.

Remember, truth without love is just brutality. It’s totally normal to feel hurt when someone questions your parenting, especially when you’re already doing your best to balance things for all the kids.

Your husband should definitely have your back more when it comes to his mother. You shouldn’t feel guilty for how things went down at dinner—your emotions are valid. You’re not a bad mother for trying to provide for all the kids and making adjustments in a tough situation. If you feel you’ve been fair and loving, don’t let her negativity make you doubt yourself.

FitzDesign −  Look, if you’re doing your best to keep the treatment for all of them the same, then you’re not being partial. Sounds like MIL doesn’t like you or doesn’t like the fact that you took in a child and now your “natural” children are getting less. MIL can go pound rocks. Do not apologize for doing your best for all of the kids.

If she is so concerned then she can send over some money to support them. You’ve done an amazing thing by taking in B. You’ve given B a chance for a loving family and yes things may be a bit rough but they will improve. I would not apologize to MIL and I would say to your husband that MIL was way out of line with her comments.

Further to that, I would double down and say that neither you or your children will go visit her until she apologizes for her “truth”.. NTA

sleddingdeer −  So your mil accused you of being cruel to your child and havening an emotional reaction to that and then she called you to demand an apology? Your husband, who knows his mom best, is urging you to think clearly about what transpired and not fall victim to her m**ipulative demands.

Do not apologize. Send a text telling your MIL she was way out of line and she isn’t allowed to ever critique your parenting. Now put her on a time out. Block her number. She can communicate through her son. Take a breather before you go back.

When she starts again, immediately stand up and leave, telling her that there will not be a repeat and if she wants to see her grandchildren she will speaking kindly and respectfully to you, period. Then leave. Put on repeat. Let husband deal with her outbursts. She is trying to push your buttons. Keep her number blocked. NTA

hadMcDofordinner −  MIL ruined the evening with her very obvious need to belittle you. Your husband/FIL is an AH for not sh*tting her up right away. Do not apologize, she owes you excuses. Stay away from her and let your husband go to her place if he just can’t live without her.

LOL You are doing your best, ignore MIL from now on. She’s shown you who she is. Block her, don’t invite her, just give her no further opportunities to attack you. NTA

Level-Researcher5432 −  NTA it’s not like youre buying B exclusive goodwill while shopping at Macy’s for A. They both get new things they both get hand me downs. I’m sure if B gets bigger than A you’d give A the hand me down’s from B. Adding a new baby to the family is a juggling act and adding 2 in less than a year is a whole circus act.

You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got. If your mother in law doesnt want to be supportive maybe it’s time to take a little space if you can.

Lucy-Bonnette −  Seems like you’re hardly in a position to take another child in. MIL does not need to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. Maybe she can help financially if she knows so well.

DragonfruitUnfair752 −  Honestly as I child who was adopted and treated unfairly off the title I was ready to say YTA. After reading everything though? This is all normal stuff. Most newborns get hand me downs.

They grow way too quick to constantly buy things brand new, and a lot of people don’t b**ast feed children who aren’t biologically theirs, he still received proper nutrition. As long as B feels the love the MIL needs to b**t out

Big_Owl1220 −  NTA- It’s normal to he partial to your own children, especially if this whole thing is knowingly temporary. Infants don’t understand the concept of new vs hand me downs.

Also, you do not have to b**ast feed both babies. If the child will eventually go back to their Mother or another family member, you breastfeeding him could only complicate things. As for your MIL, ‘just telling the truth’, is usually code for, ‘I want to be an a**hole, but don’t want any consequences for what I say, and will refuse to accept them.’ 

Scrabblement −  NTA. If I’m understanding this correctly, A and B are still babies? Of course they’re getting hand me downs. They’re literally babies, you have clothes from older kids that fit, and they are too young to care. New clothes at this age are for you, not for them. You’re fine.

Is the mother justified in her actions, or is there room for improvement in how she balances her kids’ needs? Share your thoughts below!