[UPDATE] AITA if I 29f call off my engagement to my 36m fiancé because his family have become involved in our finances?

A Reddit user, a 29-year-old woman, is considering calling off her engagement to her fiancé after discovering that he secretly sent more money to his mother, despite their agreement to reduce the amount for financial stability. They had been saving for a house and planning a wedding, but the fiancé’s family involvement in their finances, combined with dishonesty, has caused her to question their future together. Read the full story below for more context.

‘ [UPDATE] AITA if I 29f call off my engagement to my 36m fiancé because his family have become involved in our finances?’

TLDR: This is an update to my previous post, I confronted my finance and he said he agreed with me and could see how enmeshed he was with his family in a t**ic way, he said he would send a reduced amount to him mom from now on for 6 months, then review the situation from there.

However I just found out he sent her a few hundred dollars extra in the middle of the month. So since my last post I confronted him about this issue and he agreed, and could see how t**ic this situation is with his family and that he could see how it would affect our future.

I expressed all of my feelings so I was clear with him as a lot of you suggested I do in the comments. The resolution we came to is he would send her half of what he was sending before for 6 months then review the situation from there.

So he sent her half at the end of last month, then 2 weeks later he sent her the normal amount that he usually sent her before, so within the space of 2 weeks he’s sent her more that he ORIGINALLY did. I found this out because I was snooping in his email bin.

( I know it’s wrong but I needed to know if I could trust him ) however I found it and immediately started crying and was really upset that he lied to me. The thing that bothers me the most is the lies not even the fact that he sent her more. if she really needs it and is in a bad spot just tell me?

We are saving for a house together and the other day he suggested getting a JOINT bank account, however after this I have big trust issues around this. I’m really not sure what to do, if this is a good idea or if I am over reacting. I just feel lied to as we agreed to always tell each other everything and never have secrets.

Oh and he sent it right after we just viewed a wedding venue together and he told me we should postpone it a year because then we have to pay a smaller deposit to the venue as it’s further away. As if it’s closer they ask for 50% up front. I’m so tired of all of our plans being pushed back or delayed and him giving away money. I don’t know if there’s any fixing this…

See what others had to share with OP:

Dachshundmom5 −  He’s already shown you he will lie to your face telling you what you want to hear and do what he wants behind your back. Not only did he not follow the agreement to send her only half, he increased what he sends her. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. It’s emeshment and financial infidelity.

He doesn’t respect you. His priority is his family, that does not include you or any plans you are making. How much more does he have to do before you believe that this is who he is? You confront him, and he will again tell you what you want to hear and again do what his family wants. How many times do you repeat the same thing before you accept the results?

Neither-Brain-2599 −  Ugh. No fixing a Mama’s Boy. Save yourself you will never be equal.

Gohighsweetcherry −  You will never be his priority. He will never(until she dies) cut the payment he makes to her. Which means your lives will always be a game of catch up. What a mess. End it now. You deserve better. You can do better. You will do better.. NTA

ReleaseTheBlacken −  Don’t be dumb enough to marry a l**r.

mustang19671967 −  when people show you who they are believe them .do you think his mom is going to start needing less money or more , then where is it coming from

Disastrous-Sthe −  Please don’t be one of those women who is wishy washy about what needs to be done. Don’t ignore the red flags and put your love goggles back on. Break the engagement and move on from this l**r. He LIED to you without batting an eyelid!! That’s scary!

teresajs −  NTA. You can’t have a have a joint account with this man.  And since marriage legally joins a couple’s finances, you absolutely shouldn’t marry him.   He won’t ever be able to follow through with financial commitments to you (buy a house) because he refuses to budget his support to his family.  And his mother could live another 30 years, and need support the entire time.

No-Independence6018 −  Look you are not an a**hole, but you will be to yourself if you marry this man. He has shown you that nothing about your money or your financial security matters in the face of his family. You need to take this red flag at what it is. He is a l**r and does not love you enough to care about your concerns.

What happens if heaven forbid you lose your job, you get sick, you have kids and he still chooses to take care of his family not the family he made with you or worse he loses his job and you are the only one financially supporting the both of you and then of course mommy or brother come over and say we need money.

They come over begging for money, he has already shown he lied about money what is to stop him from taking your money and giving it to them and putting you in a financial hole.

Honey he is too old to change and honestly this might be the big reason his first marriage ended mommy’s boys are just babies with money and an adult body they never change mommy comes first and you don’t want that for a future to build on. Run away far and fast save what money you have now and for the future and leave being alone and safe is better than living in a car with this i**ot.

Cultjamm23 −  Don’t start a married on lies or you’ll be left with only cries. 

SnooWords4839 −  He will always send mom money and just proved it, by sending even more.. You know what you should do. What you shouldn’t do is buy a home with him or get a joint bank account. I doubt he is financially secure, with wanting to push back wedding, but wants a joint account.

Do you think the user’s concerns about trust and finances are valid, or is there a way to repair the relationship? How would you handle a situation where your partner wasn’t fully transparent about money? Share your thoughts below!