AITA for refusing to keep doing chores for my wife?

A man quit his job to support his wife during her law school journey and now takes care of household chores since she works long hours at a high-paying job. However, his wife began referring to him as a “house husband” around friends and family, which has deeply hurt his sense of self-worth.

Things came to a head when she made a comment in front of her disapproving mother, embarrassing him further. When he confronted her, she dismissed his feelings as insecurity. In response, he stopped doing the household chores until she apologized, but now she’s staying with a friend and refuses to back down.

‘ AITA for refusing to keep doing chores for my wife?’

I (28m) and have been married to my wife “Bella” (28f) for 5 years. We both met and went to the same college. She pre-law while I was doing animation. She graduated top of our class and went to a T20 law school. While she was in law school, I had a lot of trouble finding a job in my field or a job at all, really.

I ended up working in a kitchen as a line cook to help support us (in addition to loans she took out) while she was going to school so she could just focus on her classes.
Bella got a very good job in a different state after she graduated, so I quit my job and haven’t gotten another one since.

We have no kids, a nice house for the two of us, and are overall living very very comfortably. She works very long hours, so I take care of most of the household things. Cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, re-painting the walls and doing other work and renovations to the house.

In the last 6 months Bella’s started referring to me as her “house husband” around our family and friends. I’ve mostly been letting it go but every single time it bothers me. I’m already insecure about not being able to find a good job and it makes me feel even more inadequate.

I finally got to the end of my rope when we were with her mother on Sunday, who still doesn’t really approve of me, and they were talking about taking care of the lawn/garden and she said, “Thank goodness I have a house husband for that or I’d never find the time” and smiled at me. Then they both laughed. It was humiliating.

I didn’t say anything at first but I guess she could tell that I was really upset and asked what was wrong. I told her that she needed to stop emasculating me and making it seem like I didn’t contribute anything to the household.

We were arguing back and forth and she told me that she would stop calling me a house husband if I was going to “get that upset about it” but that it wasn’t an untrue term and I needed to stop being insecure. Bella refuses to apologize. I feel like she doesn’t fully appreciate my value as her husband.

I’ve stopped doing the chores until she apologizes and she is beyond pissed off. She’s been coming home and cooking dinner (only for herself) and doing the chores I haven’t and then taking off to spend the night at a friends house.

I was talking to my sister about it and she told me that Bella was wrong but I was being immature in my response. The thing is, if I give in she’s going to keep thinking what she’s been doing is okay. I don’t even know anymore. AITA?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

RogueDIL ( Top 1 ) says

Darling, you are a house husband. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Or being a house wife. Why do you believe that it is a put down or emasculating? It’s an equal contribution to your family and household. It holds value. It permits your wife to work longer hours at her job, without trying to also maintain the household.

If your truly unhappy in that role- do something about it. Look for work in your chosen field or look into going back for new qualifications. YTA for getting upset about a factually correct statement.

Single_Cookie_7915 ( Top 2 ) says

YTA. Definition of a house husband: a man who lives with a partner and carries out household duties traditionally done by a housewife rather than going out to work. You pretty much fit the description and there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG or EMASCULATING about being a house husband mate.

If you still felt uncomfortable hearing that term, you could have had an honest conversation about how you’re feeling with her instead of doing something childish like this:
>I’ve stopped doing the chores until she apologizes She has nothing to apologise for as she said she’ll stop using that term as soon as you asked her to.

cb1977007 ( Top 3 ) says

But… you literally are a house husband. If this were the other way around, surely you agree that she would be a house wife in these circumstances? It’s also not saying you don’t contribute. It’s pointing out HOW MUCH you contribute. She is literally saying she couldn’t keep up without you. That’s giving you credit.

And also…. It just is a fact. It may be temporary (or not, idk) but at this time, she is a bread winner and you are a house husband. If you find that humiliating, change it. But don’t get mad that someone else recognizes it as a fact. YTA.

Cocoasneeze ( Top 4 ) says

INFO: How is being called a “house husband” emasculating? Housewife has been used forever and it’s not a degrading term.

[deleted] ( Top 5 ) says

YTA
Being a housewife isn’t demeaning and it’s a thankless, important job for a household. Women understand that and that’s why the term house husband isn’t offensive to them. It is a tough job women have done thanklessly for men for generations.

To have a man reverse those roles shows he understands it’s value, and that’s why the women in your life are laughing and talking about it. A man willing to be a house husband is usually considered a catch in a world full of men who won’t even do the laundry without whining.

I think you need to reevaluate why you think being a house husband is emasculating or devalues your work. You must think that it makes you “lesser”, but why? Why is being a housewife so shameful?

Do you think less of the women who do that job? So many women have given up everything, their careers, financial freedom, and lives to fulfill this role. Why is it okay for them to make that sacrifice but shameful for you? You ARE a house husband. Get over it and think about what that means instead of what other men have told you to believe.

RandomGuy_81 ( Top 6 ) says

Sounds like you have a plan She will work and come home and cook for herself. And do the chores important to her And you will….sit home and do nothing except make meals for yourself? Good plan. She’ll eventually wonder why she is pulling all the weight and thatd teach her. She should find someone else that helps out around the house

Csdkjdskj ( Top 7 ) says

Dude. Use your f**cking words. When you asked her to stop, she said she would. She isn’t gonna know you’re upset unless you say something.
But idk maybe you’re too much of a man to actually f**cking communicate  YTA

Zealousideal-Ad6358 ( Top 8 ) says

Sounds like she was using “house husband” in a rather complimentary way to me – she’s probably sick of defending the progressive roles you’ve taken on & approached it w/ family as a light-hearted way of deflecting from others’ (antiquated) judgements.

If that’s the arrangement you’ve both made & are happy with it, it’s nobody else’s business & I’d be inclined to joke it away w/ narrow-minded, old school family members as well.That being said…you wouldn’t be so defensive about this if you weren’t feeling some type of way about the arrangement already.

And if that’s true, get a job. Any job. You “stooped” to being a line cook once, you can do it again. Restaurants are always hiring back of house. It’s not like y’all have small children & made this decision for SAH parent reasons. Nothing is keeping you from leaving the house.

Don’t take your insecurities out on her by pulling a full-on stand off about this, or else she’ll eventually wake up & realize she’s already doing everything on her own anyway, why support the equivalent of a temperamental child? Do you wanna cut your arm off to prove a point & be right, or do you wanna be happy? YTA.

reenaltransplant ( Top 9 ) says

Gentle YTA. You took “house husband” as demeaning because you look down upon *house wives.* If you saw the term “housewife” as having the connotation of huge contributions it should, you’d be proud to be called a house husband.

Ohcrumbcakes ( Top 10 ) says

YTA First off, it’s the correct term. What would you prefer to be said regarding the work you do? That you’re an unemployed mooch? A sugar baby? A house husband is the accurate term to describe your work and contribution to your family. It isn’t emasculating. What’s the alternative?

Your wife clearly appreciated what you do and recognizes that the home wouldn’t be nearly as good without your work. What makes you an a**shole is that you never bothered to share your insecurities with your wife. You never bothered to have a conversation.

You blew up about it instead and have now gone on with your temper tantrum and are now officially contributing nothing to the household and are just leeching off your wife. If you don’t want to be a househusband then don’t. Get a job and contribute financially.