AITAH for asking my partner to not eat peanuts because I am allergic?
A woman with a peanut allergy has been dealing with recurring allergic reactions due to her boyfriend’s love of peanut butter, despite her requests for him to take precautions.
Recently, after feeling cared for by his family on vacation (where they avoided peanuts for her safety), she asked him to stop eating peanut products altogether, both at home and at work.
He became upset, claiming it was an unreasonable request, and they haven’t spoken much since. Now, she’s wondering if asking him to prioritize her safety over his love for peanut butter makes her the bad guy.
AITAH for asking my partner to not eat peanuts because I am allergic?
My partner and I have been together for almost two years now and recently moved in together. My boyfriend loves peanut butter sandwiches and eats them almost daily. He found out about my allergy early on and continued anyways, I told him I guess it was okay as long as he remembers to brush his teeth, drink lots of water and wait hours afterwards to kiss me.
We’ve had at least ten experiences where after kissing, my throat starts to get itchy and my lips start to swell because he forgot to brush his teeth and rinse like I asked him to. We’ve also had experiences where he has kissed my neck or body and I get rashy hives where his lips have touched. This has always bothered me as everyone I’ve ever dated who knew about my allergy has decided to give up eating them altogether as a precaution, but early on in this relationship when it was mentioned he said he loves it so much he doesn’t think he could ever stop. It has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been scared of his reaction if I asked him to avoid them for me.
We recently went on vacation with his family and they made such an effort to make sure that there were no peanuts around to keep me safe, it made me feel special and cared for. When we got home I saw him making two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for himself to take to work that day and made a comment about how much peanut butter he eats. He said, “you see that I put the jelly on first to not contaminate it right?” I told him that it’s still in the house and he still uses our shared utensils to spread it. He said, “Until you specifically tell me to not bring peanut butter in the house, I’m gonna keep eating it”.
Later when I was driving him to work, I told him that it really does make me uncomfortable that it’s even in the house because we’ve had so many situations where he forgets to take the precautions to keep me safe. He said that I don’t trust him, and I told him it’s not about that, but there have been times where I’m affected by it. He was very angry and yelling and told me that he would take it out of the house but would continue to eat it at work. I told him that still scares me because it’s still in his saliva and he doesn’t always remember to clean properly. I’m not sure if this is possible but sometimes even his sweat makes me feel itchy because I think there is so much in his system. He told me that asking him to stop eating peanuts entirely is too much an ask and that I should be happy that it won’t be in the house anymore.
The conversation left off there and we haven’t spoken much since. He’s acting angry with me and I just feel sad. It feels like my safety means less to him than his love for eating this food, but is that too big an ask? AITAH?
Edit/Update:
I left the asshole. It turns out he had been cheating on me for the past six months or so. Thank you all for your perception as I was blinded by love and should probably be single for awhile now while I reassess my self worth and boundaries.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Dr_curandera says:
This OP. Why isn’t your word, your pain, and your life enough? Is his need for social approval that much greater in his book than his basic empathy for ANY human let alone someone he says to love. I hope he really reflects on why he didn’t recognise all your pleas and burden. And I hope you learn to trust yourself as well OP and know that you don’t need the internet to set the standard for what you can and can’t live with.
If it makes you uncomfortable that’s enough.
Moxson82 says:
Exactly this! Op he is gaslighting you into feeling like a bad person because he can’t eat a food that can kill you! This is unacceptable. What if you have a kid together that has the same allergy, and he doesn’t give up peanuts then either? Don’t stick around for this foolishness. You deserve more.
honesttruth2703 says:
I don’t get what makes people stay in a situation like this. Maybe love bombing? I’m just so sure that he’s thoughtless and inconsiderate in other ways as well. I would leave. After the first time he almost killed me, not the 10th.
Unknown User says:
NTA. I’m a big girl and I like to eat what I like to eat. There isn’t a single food or food group on this planet that I wouldn’t give up to keep my husband safe. Because I love him more than any food. In fact, my husband is mildly lactose intolerant so I have drastically reduced the amounts of milk and cheese I use in everyday cooking to avoid him being uncomfortable.
This is a basic request. No, it shouldn’t even be a request. “I’m allergic to this food and exposure makes me very uncomfortable and could potentially kill me” should have been enough for him to go, “Hey, maybe i just stop eating peanuts”. Honestly, I’m not sure why you’ve put up with him not taking your safety seriously for this long, let alone why the hell you moved in with him and allow peanuts in the house.
Champi_Feuille says:
NTA. It’s not that hard to give up on one specific food to keep your partner safe. My ex was allergic to coconuts, I stopped eating coconut-based food for him, even tho I like it.
He doesn’t value your safety. Maybe it’s time to make a choice. The peanuts, or you, because he puts you in danger by continuing to eat them despite your allergy.
And please buy an Epipen. Better safe than sorry.
berrykiss96 says:
It is a high bar tbh. As someone with food issues, it can be difficult.
But you know what isn’t a high bar? Loving someone enough to remember to brush/rinse after eating an allergen before you kiss them so you don’t kill them. Or loving them enough to realize you’re not the best thing for them because you can’t give it up and so letting them go instead of being selfish and reckless.
Pretty sure killing her like this would be manslaughter. At least reckless endangerment. He’s doing something he knows could kill her and he knows how to mitigate the risk and just … won’t.
He’s basically driving drunk at this point because he just loves drinking at his local too much to not and hoping he doesn’t kill anyone on the way home. Brushing is getting an Uber home in this analogy and he can’t even manage that. It’s trashy.
JerseySommer says:
Ok, there’s a vegan product called “just egg” made from mung beans. Texture and flavor is exact. And a hard boiled vegan egg product called wundereggs.
https://www.ju.st/
https://www.craftycounter.com/products/wundereggs
Here’s a recipe for a toast dipping sauce, texture and flavor spot on, takes 5 minutes.
https://itdoesnttastelikechicken.com/vegan-egg-yolk/
Little more involved but vegan fried egg
https://theeburgerdude.com/vegan-fried-egg/ https://itdoesnttastelikechicken.com/vegan-egg-yolk/
Unknown User says:
Nta – so hold on, you tell him about this severe allergy, and his response is … nothing. He later says he unless you tell him to stop bringing it into the house, he’s going to continue. Then even later says it’s too much to ask him to stop entirely and just be happy it’s not in the house.
Okay, this guy either doesn’t care, doesn’t believe it’s serious and won’t believe unless/until you end up hospitalized for this issue. Why are you still with him? He doesn’t care, doesn’t value your health and is kind of a dick.
Is it unreasonable to ask for extra caution when health is on the line, or does he have a right to keep enjoying his favorite food? What would you do in this situation? Share your thoughts in the comments!
