AITA for falling for another woman?

A 43-year-old man reflects on his marriage of nearly six years, which has been strained since his wife fell ill after complications from Covid. As her mental health deteriorated, he found himself taking on all household responsibilities without gratitude, leading to feelings of emotional exhaustion.

After developing a connection with a coworker, he grapples with the guilt of falling for another woman, even though he hasn’t acted on those feelings physically, questioning if his marriage can be salvaged.

‘ AITA for falling for another woman?’

I (43m) have been married (40f) for almost 6 years. She has a couple of children from previous relationships that are all adults now, who I have taken as my own children.

A couple of years ago, she got sick due to complications from Covid. And while it physically took its toll, mentally it defeated her. Especially combined with other hardships she has faced in the past. For a little more than a year, this mental funk has worn me down. I accepted that I had to do virtually everything around the house, but the lack of gratitude and demands to do more wore on me.

If I had a bad day at work, hers was worse so I had to console her. She stressed about money but I couldn’t work late. And eventually it became attacks or guilt trips. I tried to help her, I tried to pull her out of it, but she refused to budge. She wouldn’t leave the bed to come out with me, she wouldn’t seek out disability to help the financial strain, she wouldn’t try counseling to try to overcome the hump.

About 4 months ago, a coworker and I, who I have known and worked with for years, started getting closer. But I’m married, so I ignored whatever flight of fancy I might be feeling. Except it wasn’t just physically that I thought about her. It was missing her laugh, or going out of my way to see her, albeit just for a minute.
My wife now knows that there’s a mutual attraction between myself and my coworker, however since I didn’t do anything physical, she thinks we can salvage our marriage.

And I’m afraid I’ve emotionally moved on. I know I owe it to her to try to rekindle the spark, and have tried avoiding the third party and focusing on my wife who is trying now, but deep down, I fear it’s too late.
I already know I’m the a**hole here. I never foresaw myself as the guy who bailed on his sick wife, and in essence, now I am.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Serious-Day5968 −  File for divorce before your emotional affair turns into you sleeping with your coworker.

A_Sarcastic_Whoa −  If you already know you’re the a**hole why are you asking if you’re the a**hole?
The solutions here are pretty straightforward. If you feel your marriage has run its course file for divorce before you end up sleeping with your coworker and causing more damage. If you want to salvage your relationship, seek counseling. If you don’t know what you want, seek counseling. Quit putting this off and looking for validation from strangers on the internet, the longer you drag this out the more you’re going to hurt your wife, yourself, and probably your coworker when this all comes to a head which that’s where this is currently heading. Balls in your court OP, how this plays out is up to you.

[Reddit User] −  ESH. Your wife is struggling. I get it. The after effects of COVID can be devastating and she needs support. However, that doesn’t excuse her basically attacking you from how you frame it, nor does it mean she can refuse to get help while continuing to expect you to be her crutch and her punching bag.
You are struggling. I get it. It can be hard to keep a relationship alive while your partner seems to not be bringing anything to the tablet. However, that doesn’t mean you should let your eyes or your heart wander when you are in a committed relationship.. Here is what I recommend.

First, keep pressing your wife to get into therapy. Talk to trusted relatives about this so they too can encourage her. Sometimes hearing it from someone new can make people reconsider. Second, PULL BACK FROM THIS OTHER COWORKER. Explain that some things are going on at home and you need some time to reflect and act before decisions are made. Your brain is monkey-branching right now. Regardless of how nice this person is, you are not thinking clearly and are desiring something positive because you have negative associations with your wife.

Third, get into therapy yourself. It sounds like you need it, both for support and developing healthy strategies to move forward with this situation. Not only that, but your therapist may encourage further steps from here.

The biggest thing to do right now is try to work with the marriage (not save; if you go into the mindset of saving, then you will only focus on two outcomes – failure and success – whereas working stresses on the fact that pitfalls are okay and successes are signs of progress) Work on your marriage first because you married your wife for a reason. She is struggling, you are struggling, and neither of you are handling it well. Get the help from the experts and then go from there.

mdthomas −  Should you have started the emotional affair? No.
But if you’re not getting what you need from the marriage, why stay in it?. File for divorce.. Soft YTA

Bonnm42 −  YTA, if you’re not happy with your wife, that’s okay, but divorce her. It sounds like you are keeping your wife around as a safety net and masking it as spousal obligation. Let her go. Sounds like the woman already has enough to deal with. She doesn’t need the mental strain of wondering if you’ll cheat or not. Think of it like breaking a bone and ask yourself which is worse? A divorce where it hurts but it’s a clean break, or continuing in the relationship where she is unsure of your feelings for this woman, and if you will ultimately leave her, causing her to break more and more?

TRoseee −  And this is why nurses talk to women about men leaving them while they’re sick…

Keni-b2211 −  YTA. This post screams ‘I’m writing this in a light to specifically make myself sound and feel less guilty’. (It didn’t work)
You had an emotional affair while you’re WIFE was struggling with her mental health. Why do you even need to ask if you’re TA? Isn’t it obvious?

Edited to add: so many ignorant people responding it’s mindblowing. CHEATING. IS. NOT. EVER. JUSTIFIED. NO EXCUSE would make cheating okay.
OP, if what you wrote is completely true, then you need to divorce your wife and try to move on from this. You have far greater issues in life than what this cesspool of a subreddit can help with.

[Reddit User] −  Just file for divorce

Loreo1964 −  YTA . Try counseling before giving up totally. Sickness and health. Good and bad. You put yourself in that emotional position. You sought her out. Rushing to divorce is the easy way out for you.

Sus_no_cap −  The true character of a woman is shown when the man goes through financial strains. The true character of a man is shown when the woman goes through health problems.
YTA. Your wife deserves better than a c**ater.

This situation sheds light on the complexities of relationships, especially during tough times when one partner is struggling. Can the man find a way to reconnect with his wife, or has the emotional distance created an irreparable rift? What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!