AITA for defending myself against my SIL who was upset we waited to tell her we were expecting and waited until our son was born to announce his name?
Unexpected life changes often bring a mix of joy, anxiety, and confusion—and that’s exactly what unfolded in this deeply personal story. After years of accepting a childfree life, the OP was stunned to discover a pregnancy later in life. The whirlwind of emotions that followed was both exhilarating and nerve-wracking, prompting careful decisions on when to share the news. The choice to wait until a safe point to reveal the pregnancy and later the baby’s name was a deeply personal one, intended to protect their fragile happiness during an already tumultuous time.
When the decision was met with disapproval from a well-meaning yet intrusive sister-in-law (SIL), it stirred up unexpected family drama. Her repeated criticism over the timing and even the choice of the name has become a focal point of conflict, challenging traditional expectations of family involvement.
‘AITA for defending myself against my SIL who was upset we waited to tell her we were expecting and waited until our son was born to announce his name?’
My husband (42m) and I (41f) tried to have children for 13 years before we accepted that we were never going to have it happen for us. We spent a lot of time hoping and trying different things and nothing worked. I was 35 when we decided to come to terms with our life as a childfree couple. We sold our old house, downsizing considerably and we started changing how we lived our life.
We had devoted so much time to preparing to be a family with children that we didn’t really know what we wanted now that it was no longer in the cards. Then, just after my 40th birthday, I discovered I was pregnant. It was a huge shock and what was even more surprising was the baby was healthy when I went for my first scan.
But I was afraid, we both were, so we waited until I was 18 weeks to tell people. I didn’t really show until I was about 21 weeks so that made it easy to hide. We announced and people were thrilled for us. All our siblings already had children who were 9 and older, so this was the first baby born into the family in a while.
We got asked about names and whether we would have a name real or baby shower with a name reveal. We decided to keep the name to ourselves until he was born. Something special and a surprise for people. Most people understood but it came to our attention recently that one of my husband’s sisters (SIL) was not happy about any of this.
She didn’t like that we kept the pregnancy to ourselves for a while and disliked it even more that we didn’t share the name. She brought this up at Christmas for the first time and surprised the whole family, she brought it up to my husband on three separate occasions after it and then she brought it up to me 4 days ago.
She told me we left our families out when this was just as big a deal for them as it was for us. She said everyone had wanted us to have a baby too and how could we cut them out like that. She also claimed we could have gotten feedback and blessings from family members on his name, which is *Hawthorn* for people who will ask.
I told her that the news came as such a surprise and we worried and wanted to come to terms and get to what we felt was a safe point before telling people. She argued we needed our family if something went wrong. Then she said there was still no excuse for the name. That the name was kind of odd and she would have liked us to pick a more classic name, like James or George.
I told her I understood that everyone had their own taste. But we were getting one chance to name a child and one chance to experience parenthood and we wanted to make the most of it. I said we never did it to hurt anyone but we wanted to do what felt right to us.
She told me that was what my husband said and it was lame, especially to defend myself that way when it was something that the whole family are experiencing. She told me we just wanted to leave everyone out and we should have known better.. AITA?
Navigating family dynamics during major life transitions can be incredibly challenging. In this case, the OP’s decision to keep the pregnancy private until reaching a point of emotional readiness is entirely understandable. When unexpected news disrupts long-held expectations, it’s natural for families to react strongly. However, it is equally important for parents-to-be to protect their personal space during such a vulnerable time, ensuring that their choices reflect their own needs rather than external pressures.
The tension surrounding the delayed announcement and the chosen baby name highlights a broader issue of boundaries in family relationships. Often, relatives feel entitled to be involved in every detail, assuming their opinions are vital. Yet, when personal milestones—especially those laden with past struggles—are at stake, maintaining autonomy becomes paramount. Establishing and respecting these boundaries is key to preventing unnecessary conflicts that can overshadow the joy of new beginnings.
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, “Establishing healthy boundaries in family relationships during major transitions is essential for personal well-being.” This sentiment resonates strongly with the OP’s situation. The decision to delay sharing the news was not an act of exclusion but rather a protective measure. It allowed the couple time to process their emotions after years of trying and to embrace the unexpected blessing on their own terms. Dr. Markham’s perspective reminds us that individual experiences during life-changing events should be honored, even if they deviate from family expectations.
Furthermore, the SIL’s repeated intrusions into what should be a private celebration underscore a common challenge: managing well-intentioned interference. While family members often mean well, their unsolicited advice and critiques can sometimes do more harm than good. In situations like these, it’s crucial to recognize that the journey to parenthood is intensely personal and that the couple’s choices should ultimately be respected. Embracing a balanced approach to family involvement can pave the way for a healthier, more supportive environment.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
The comments overwhelmingly support the OP’s decisions. Many emphasize that the choice of when to announce a pregnancy or a baby’s name is entirely personal—especially after such a challenging journey with infertility. They criticize the SIL for being intrusive and overstepping boundaries, arguing that family members shouldn’t dictate how and when personal milestones are shared. Overall, commenters commend the OP for prioritizing emotional safety and self-care, while dismissing the SIL’s demands as unwarranted interference.
[Reddit User] − NTA. Your SIL is a giant AH. While it’s great for your family that you got pregnant. It is in no way happening to them. This is your experience and after years of trying and eventually giving up to find out you actually were pregnant would have been incredibly hard to come to terms with. Especially to get to a place where you were comfortable enough to tell anyone.
I only started announcing my first around 18 weeks because I was so worried something would go wrong and I had no history of issues. Everything you did was completely understandable. Your SIL is a control freak who seems to think her opinion is the only right one. No decent person would ever comment negatively on someone’s child’s name.. I absolutely love the name BTW.. Congratulations on your son!
James_of_London − **OF COURSE NTA** First things first: **congratulations!** Even if you just put it down to enthusiasm, your sister-in-law is in the wrong. It’s your pregnancy, your baby, your choice. The only reasonable response to parents saying what they’ve named their child is “What a lovely name.” Others are not entitled to insert themselves into your decisions, though of course you can invite them.
You and your husband need to discuss and agree where your boundaries are between the wider family and your own (nuclear) family, and support each other in maintaining them (and changing when you agree it’s appropriate.) This is one of the most difficult things in having children. And wishing you and husband and Hawthorne (did I say it was a lovely name?) all the best.
For what it’s worth, I know *lots* of women who have had miscarriages who behaved as you did; the few I know who had still-births *all* were very private and internal during their pregnancies; in lots of cultures it’s more or less taboo to talk about names and so on before the child is born.
Aggravating-Pain9249 − Tell me if I got this right: You never expected to get pregnant. You did and you kept to private for various reasons, including a possible miscarriage. SIL is upset because you did not reveal name or gender prior to the birth and now she doesn’t like the name?. I am OLD, and a private person.. Your SIL sounds a bit unhinged. It is your child. You do get to leave everyone out of it. This is between you and you partner.. Congrats on the the new life.. NTA
archetyping101 − NTA. Unless they were in the bedroom cheering you and your husband on while you two had s**, the decision of when to share the pregnancy news or the name of the fetus is entirely up to the parents. You don’t owe anyone a heads up or a blessing or permission. Also, who the F is she to talk to you both repeatedly about how things “should have” been done. If that’s how she did it and liked it, good on her. But don’t go telling other people how to do their pregnancy. She’s such an AH.
Remember1959 − NTA, and honestly, given the circumstances I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d kept quiet even longer: when I got pregnant we didn’t tell a soul until the second trimester, and I was a 24 year old who’d taken less than a month to conceive. It’s just common sense. Your SiL obviously has issues with needing to know the minutiae of everyone’s lives, she should mind her own business.. Enjoy being a mum.
Kris82868 − NTA. Not something that needs defending. You have the right to announce his existence and name on your own terms. Congratulations!!
Cat_got_ya_tongue − NTA. Your SIL is a bossy busybody. She was not entitled to updates, information or the opportunity to try and change your mind about your kid’s name. You grieved the idea you wouldn’t have a child. How you respond to a miracle/surprise pregnancy is completely up to you and your SIL doesn’t get to police that. Congrats on your baby. Enjoy these precious moments and send SIL a link to this post because it will likely tear strips off her.
FlyGuy1922 − NTA. First off, congratulations!!!! Secondly…why is it any of her business. This is YOUR baby not hers? You tell people when you’re ready and never before. Also the name issue is bizarre? Her input is not necessary, needed or wanted. It is literally none of her concern what you chose to name your baby. (Love the name by the way it’s beautiful). I’m a bit old fashioned and agree about waiting till after the baby is born to announce the name. Don’t get many surprises in life and it’s nice to wait and see!
fallingintopolkadots − NTA. Your SIL sounds bonkers and her fixation on this is rather unhinged. That said, if she feels like stewing over it and obsessing over it, that’s her choice, but tell her to keep her mouth shut about it to you and your family. What happened happened (can’t be undone ((not that you would do it any differently)), your beautiful son has a name you and your husband love, so don’t let her rain on your parade any longer.
SweetSerenityxx − NTA. I am very sorry but your sibling and parents (if your sibling doesn’t) needs to put his wife in her place ASAP. No more explaining to people your reasoning for not telling the name/choosing the name, not involving people, and telling people late. I would also have a strict no one is allowed over a period for a few weeks after the baby is born, minus 1-2 people who will come, help you, and respect any boundaries set.
It is time to implement certain boundaries and expectations with everyone now. This is not your SIL or family’s pregnancy journey, but your husband’s and yours. The ball is in your court and you set the tone for how you want things to go forward with your immediate family and extended family. Your SIL is trying to hijack this special time from you under the guise that she cares. Congratulations and start standing up for yourself!
In the end, this story isn’t just about a delayed announcement or a controversial baby name—it’s about honoring personal choices during one of life’s most transformative moments. The OP’s journey, marked by years of struggle and eventual unexpected joy, deserves respect and understanding. What do you think? How would you handle intrusive family opinions during such a vulnerable time? Share your thoughts and join the discussion.