AITA for playing favorites with my grandkids and when confronted by my DIL telling her that is due to her

Family dynamics can be as delicate as they are emotional—especially when it comes to the relationships between grandparents, their children-in-law, and grandchildren. In this post, a grandmother shares how years of strained interactions with her daughter-in-law led her to favor one grandchild over the other.

Despite her initial efforts to build a good rapport with her daughter-in-law, ongoing conflicts and subtle criticisms left her feeling sidelined. The tension became particularly evident during holiday gatherings and routine babysitting, where her contributions were constantly compared to those of her daughter-in-law’s family.

Feeling increasingly unappreciated and pushed aside, she eventually reached a breaking point. When she gifted a cherished family necklace—an heirloom passed down from her mother—to her step-granddaughter, her daughter-in-law exploded, accusing her of favoritism. In response, the grandmother bluntly stated that her actions were a direct result of the strained relationship, leaving everyone to wonder: Is she in the wrong for setting these boundaries, or is her frustration justified?

‘AITA for playing favorites with my grandkids and when confronted by my DIL telling her that is due to her’

When family relationships become entangled with long-standing issues and cultural expectations, it’s not uncommon for emotions to run high. In this case, the grandmother’s decision to gift a family heirloom to one grandchild instead of distributing similar tokens to both appears to be the culmination of years of miscommunication and unresolved tension. Family systems experts note that favoritism—or the appearance of it—can often be a reaction to feeling undervalued or sidelined within the family structure. Rather than a deliberate act of bias, it may serve as a protective response to ongoing disrespect and criticism.

Research in family dynamics suggests that open dialogue is essential for healing and maintaining relationships. For instance, Dr. Brené Brown emphasizes that establishing clear boundaries is a necessary form of self-respect, even when it risks upsetting others. In situations where one party feels consistently undermined or compared unfavorably to another, the natural response may be to withdraw or retaliate, as seen here. The grandmother’s feelings of alienation and frustration—stemming from her daughter-in-law’s repeated dismissals—reflect a deeper emotional wound that has been festering for years.

Furthermore, experts argue that when cultural practices and personal expectations clash, it is vital to address these issues head-on through mediation or family counseling. If the grandmother had the opportunity to sit down with her daughter-in-law in a neutral setting, she might have been able to express her feelings constructively while learning more about her daughter-in-law’s perspective. Unfortunately, the longstanding pattern of criticism has created a scenario where every interaction feels like a battle.

Another key point from relationship research is that small gestures of appreciation—like sharing an heirloom—can be misinterpreted when the underlying relationship is fraught with tension. The act of giving the necklace was meant to celebrate family heritage, but instead it became a flashpoint that highlighted deeper resentments. Experts suggest that both sides need to work on rebuilding trust by acknowledging each other’s contributions and creating shared rituals that reinforce family unity.

Ultimately, the grandmother’s decision reflects a struggle for self-respect and the need for acknowledgment after years of feeling dismissed. While her actions may appear harsh, they underscore an important truth: when individuals feel repeatedly undervalued, establishing boundaries—even if it means making difficult choices—becomes necessary for their own emotional well-being.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Community reactions are mixed. Some feel the grandmother is justified, arguing that her response is a natural outcome of feeling consistently criticized and sidelined. Others believe she should have handled the situation differently, suggesting that favoritism—real or perceived—can fracture family bonds further. Many agree that both sides could benefit from open, honest communication and possibly family counseling to bridge their differences.

This story raises important questions about fairness, cultural expectations, and the consequences of long-term unresolved conflict. Is the grandmother’s decision to favor one grandchild a justified response to years of disrespect, or does it simply deepen family rifts? How can families navigate cultural differences and personal boundaries without resorting to favoritism? We’d love to hear your thoughts—what would you do in a similar situation? Share your experiences and ideas in the comments below.