My abusive husband got surgery to remove a brain tumour and now he’s completely different. I don’t know if I should still divorce him.

A Redditor shared their dilemma about their abusive husband, who after undergoing surgery to remove a brain tumor, has drastically changed his behavior. Previously manipulative and abusive, he is now showing empathy, compassion, and remorse for his past actions, even agreeing to marriage counseling.

However, the Redditor’s sister warns against trusting him, fearing his transformation may be temporary or insincere. The Redditor is torn between wanting to give their marriage a second chance due to their love for him and the fear that he may revert to his old abusive behavior. Read the original story below…

‘ My abusive husband got surgery to remove a brain tumour and now he’s completely different. I don’t know if I should still divorce him.’

I (27F) have been married to my husband (29M) for 4 years. We have a 3 year old daughter. My husband was abusive to me from the beginning. He was also quite manipulative, and convinced me (who already had very low self esteem) that he was my only chance at love and that I could never find someone better.

He also regularly physically abused me. Before the marriage, I tried to leave him once, but he stormed to my family’s house and dragged me back into his car. He has even threatened to kill me if I ever left him again. I put up with all of his abuse because I loved him. Also he was a handsome, rich trust-fund baby so everything about him looked good on paper.

But about four months ago, I decided I was tired of the abuse and secretly drew up plans to get divorced. Just about a month after that, my husband got an MRI after a head injury and it showed that he also had a brain tumour. He went into surgery to have it removed. After the surgery, his personality is like “night and day”. He is more empathetic and compassionate now.

He doesn’t hit me or yell at me anymore. He’s even agreed to marriage counselling, which is something he never would have before. However, my sister still thinks I should get the divorce. She doesnt trust him, and is wondering if his “new personality” is all just an act. Or if he’ll revert to his old evil self over time.

My sister said “You’ll be better off living a life away from the guy who beat you up because he didn’t like dinner, or the guy who once locked you in a closet for hours after an argument.” But he’s really like a different person, and is actually remorseful of his past behaviour.

The other day he started crying and apologizing when he saw the scar on my shoulder from when he pushed me into a bookshelf. Am I crazy for wanting to give our marriage a second chance? I love him even more now than I did before, but a part of me still wonders if this is all an act or if he’d revert to his old self over time.

See what others had to share with OP:

[Reddit User] −  It’s totally possible the tumor was causing personality issues and the behavioral and emotional volatility. I’ve seen it go the other way too. I once knew a man who was a wonderful person with a great marriage for 15 years who had a stroke at 37. From the time he came to he was a completely different person.

Anger issues and physically abusive to his wife, who finally had to leave him for her own safety. It was really hard on her to give up the man she knew and loved, but he wasn’t there anymore. It sounds like your situation may have gone in a positive direction. If you feel safe, then certainly, give it some time. You may find that he’s everything you ever dreamed of. If he starts becoming violent or excessively angry again, then you can leave.

givingyounuclearRA −  INFO: Was it a frontal lobe tumor? Because if so that would explain the difference and would point towards a real change Edit: a few comments and I see it was. The frontal lobe is responsible for personality and aggression.

Changes seen with it (either atrophy with aging or tumors) usually leads to more aggressive and uninhibited behavior. Now, do changes with a tumor reverse when the tumor is removed? I would assume yes but I’m not a neurosurgeon.

[Reddit User] −  Please ask actual neurosurgeons and other medical professionals these questions, not Redditors who could potentially be 15 year olds who have never even experienced puppy love. This is *way* beyond our paygrade.

the_last_basselope −  If you want to give it a second chance, then it’s worth trying, with very firm boundaries – like, counseling is mandatory (both individual and relationship), he is on a zero tolerance aggression policy – any verbal, mental, emotional, or physical abuse is immediate game-over and you go straight to a divorce attorney, you will be checking in with your sister every day to give her a status update

(not details if you don’t want to, but a general sense of how things are going), if you feel like something he has said or done is manipulative, you will immediately call the relationship counselor to get their opinion and, if they agree it’s manipulative, everything ends immediately, things like that. I am not one to excuse abuse, and I’m not excusing it here (personally I think you’d be better off continuing the divorce)….

however, depending on how long the tumor was there, you might be meeting the “real” him for the first time – the a**hole him might have been 100% caused by the tumor and its location and the real him might be a genuinely good person. Or it may be like your sister says, he’s fooling you. Time is the only way to know. If you want to take the chance of staying, then at least put safeguards in place.

always-the-asshole −  I mean depending on where the tumor was it could actually have that drastic of a change in behavior and personality. I wouldn’t throw away your plans all together but cautiously waiting it out a bit could be an option if you’re willing to see if it is a permanent change.

scorpio6519 −  Ya….a tumour on the frontal lobe could certainly cause that bad behaviour. I’d give it a chance. It’s very likely you are meeting your real husband for the first time.

[Reddit User] −  Yes, definitely. My dad had a surgery and was so different afterwards, he quit drinking and we basically we had the best times in our family for a short period of time. My mom was so happy with his attitude, unbelievable. So, even if he returned to old habits i’m still convinced that showing faith and giving him that chance was worth it. We can’t control what others do or choose, we only control our choices.

Wileykid −  Why don’t you halt the divorce but try dating again? Are you in a position to live separately and co parent and just court each other for a while? Let him prove himself to you. Maybe treat it like meeting a new person?

Thiek −  I’m an RN with a little experience in Neurology. I don’t want to tell you whether or not you should still leave him, or whether you should trust him, etc. I do, however, want to tell you that it is definitely physically possible that this prior personality was caused by the tumor, and therefore it is also possible that the personality change is the result of the removal of the tumor.. Good Luck.

imperative_psychosis −  Obviously this type of decision isn’t easy, and you honestly have to set lines for yourself moving forward. For example, if you see even a hint of the abusive side surface again, you immediately leave, with no further debate. (This is assuming you decide to stay). As many people said, frontal lobe tumours can cause radical changes, so who knows.

One thing is for sure though, abuse leaves scars, even those that cannot be seen on your body, but exist within you. Even if this person changes, will you be okay looking into the eyes of someone who made you suffer? I seem to have posed more questions than answers, but sometimes introspection is key in many cases.

Can genuine change come from a past steeped in abuse, or is it too risky to trust again? Do you think the husband’s transformation is real, or should she stay cautious? Share your thoughts on what steps she should take in this difficult situation.