UPDATE: My girlfriend [F24] called men “failed abortions” and is now trying to walk it back [M23]

A Reddit user provided an update on his difficult conversation with his girlfriend after she made a harsh generalization about men. Upon confronting her, he learned that her words stemmed from past trauma rather than outright malice.

While they both expressed their emotions honestly, he ultimately decided to take a break from the relationship to focus on his own identity and emotional well-being. They remain on good terms, but the future of their relationship is uncertain. Read the original story below…

‘ UPDATE: My girlfriend [F24] called men “failed abortions” and is now trying to walk it back [M23]’

This OP: My girlfriend [F24] called men “failed abortions” and is now trying to walk it back [M23]

We left off while she was trying to apologize to me about the statement she made about saying all men were failed abortions. One of you commented something that really stuck out to me – that if she was apologizing *at* me it was a lot different than apologizing *to* me. Luckily it seemed that she was trying to apologize *to* me.

I had told her I needed some space so when I came back I kind of interrupted her apology and said I needed to say some stuff. I was pretty honest and brutal with her.
I said that it really hurt to hear what she had said. That it was really difficult to process someone who tries to promote equality in their life making what I felt was a hateful and unnecessary blanketed statement.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I felt as strongly as I did and I realized that it felt like she was not only grouping me in with a group she felt like should have been aborted, but that she was saying men were worthless, failures, and were better off not existing because they weren’t women. Echoing what a few commenters quoted, I was simply an incomplete female to her. I was limited by my XY chromosomes.

I said in the original post that I’ve had some questioning of my gender identity but I guess I didn’t provide much background to it. It ended up that most of those sentiments are things I’ve thought to myself at one point. That I’d have been better off being born differently. That I’m worthless, a failure, that women are “better” than men out of femininity alone.

I said all that to her, not as smoothly or without some discomfort, but I said it to her. Afterwards she cried a little bit and said she didn’t know I felt that way and was sorry she said what she did. I pressed her a little bit to ask why she said it because… well, call me insecure but I’m not the kind of person to make statements like that out of anger and was always taught growing up that they’re off limits.

It turns out that when she was in her second year at college she was accosted by a police officer while walking home one evening. It ended with her being s**ually assaulted. From talking with her about it, it seems all this stuff with the police has understanding been bringing up a lot of feelings for her.

I wasnt really expecting that but I said if she needed to talk about anything I was there for her. I feel kind of selfish about it but I did say that I don’t think I could deal very well if she made some similar statement again. I told her that I knew why she’d say those things, but if she needed to say them that she shouldn’t do it with me.

I feel like that was harsh and selfish but I told her I couldn’t deal with generalized statements and I didn’t feel like I could distance them from my own emotions. I apologized for that and said I’d be there for me if she needed it otherwise. At this point things just felt differently. I told her that I had decided I needed to talk to a therapist about my issues and try to figure out where I’m going with them.

I floated the idea of her seeking out therapy too and she said she’d consider it. I think she will. I told her I loved her no matter what but that I felt like I needed a break to recenter myself and get more understanding of my identity. She agreed to it, and that’s where we’re at today.

We are still friends and still talking, but have taken a departure on the more intimate discussions between ourselves. Thanks to most of the people who commented, there were a lot of good comments from both camps. Things ended up being in the middle of both sides.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

MadFerIt −  This is what adults do, sit down and have a conversation. You weren’t weak, despite what other commentators are trying to claim in response to your update. The fact that you actually explained your feelings, and came to the conclusion you needed a break to re-focus is what **someone who isn’t weak** does.

A weakling is someone who lets their emotions overwhelm them, refuses to have a conversation, and just goes off on their partner. Shame on both the people attacking you for this update, or claiming what your GF said was no big deal. They are the **weak.**

p0tat0p0tat0 −  I remember your post and everyone really piling on about how horrible she (and feminism) were. I’m so glad you were able to find useful advice regardless. I think this is the best outcome, to be honest.

You are both dealing with some real s**t and staying in the relationship would only make it harder to process (especially since your issues are compliment each other; you with self-loathing the part of you that she hates in others).

Dont-be-a-smurf −  First things first, there’s additional context here that makes me want to treat this with sensitivity: there’s struggling with gender identity and violent victimization contributing to this that I’m not qualified to fully weigh in on. Now on to my controversial opinion:

I’ve been married for awhile. To my high school sweetheart. We have a kid, we’re employed, we have great extended families and respect for each other. Honestly, it’s awesome. But, through our very long relationship, we’ve both said some off-the-wall b**lshit in a moment of anger. Often one will challenge the other on it: “lol you can’t honestly be serious.”

After a cool down, it gets rational again. If it’s not a personal attack or a very strongly, earnestly held belief then it’s just talking s**t. Hell, I’m a masculine guy who enjoys being a guy and I’ve probably said off-hand “wow men really f**k this planet up.” Obviously this is just some hyperbole in the moment.

Laugh it off and we move on because expecting a friction-free, zero uncomfortable ideas all the time 100% in a long term relationship is bordering on ludicrosity (new word) for me. I think a relationship should have some space for some dumb s**t to be said, to be challenged, laughed off, and walked back.

I mean it’s a different story if they’re pushing a political agenda hell bent on actually hurting someone. Otherwise it’s clearly just talking s**t using emotionally supercharged hyperbole in the privacy of home. I guess my house is a pretty safe space for communication.

I couldn’t imagine impersonal hyperbole or an immature thought causing an emotional earthquake that it shakes the foundation of the relationship to its core. I couldn’t imagine living in such a fragile state of emotion. But, this situation is a bit different because there’s some serious pain and conflict under the surface.

Another thing to keep in mind is that we’re all mostly stuck inside and consuming extremely distressing and polarizing information CONSTANTLY which is why I’d still grade offensive communications on a soft curve right now. People are hyped up.

But if my wife said something like that, I’d just challenge the merits outright and laugh it off if she dug in at first and approach it from a rational angle after a cool down. Or I’d easily sense it as hyperbolic nonesense and ignore it.

LEGOmaniac66 −  This whole situation is really above Reddit’s pay grade. It’s not something you should rely on a group of strangers (who in general, tend to be heavily biased in one direction or another, and tend to be very young, skim posts, and think breaking up is the answer to everything), to figure out.

The chances of us validating something that shouldn’t be validated, adding our own personal biases to the mix, making assumptions about you or your partner, or encouraging over or under-reaction, are high. I don’t agree with what your girlfriend said, but you made a lot of assumptions. It seems you went as far with the sweeping generalization, as she did.

She said one rotten thing; you heard 10 different rotten things. Therapy can help both of you, especially if you go together to someone new. You need someone who has no personal bias, to help you guys mediate the situation and teach you how to help one another through these issues.

highbldpressure −  Good luck with therapy and the gender identity stuff, I hope it helps you find some answers and some peace of mind

airbusa340 −  This caused you to go on a break because she said men are failed abortions? It seems like obvious hyperbole and you don’t need to overreact to it. She obviously doesn’t think that, just using it to bring up frustrations on police brutality.

It was insensitive and if she legitimately hates men you should probably break up with her, but if her actions say otherwise and she hasn’t said anything else sexist like that then get over it, or find a more underlying cause for why things aren’t working out between you two.

indicades −  Pretty sure i’ll get downvoted into oblivion- if anyone reads this. but this is so, for lack of a better word, stupid. to me it seems very obvious that her statement was more of a joke. saying that she’s basically calling all men worthless is sooooooo ridiculously sensitive to pull from her statement.

i honestly cant believe this was made into such a big deal as to take a break from your relationship (unless the break was due to your seeking therapy). edit: and im not trying to be a b**ch but her making that comment had nothing to do with your gender identity,, good that youre seeking support to help you figure it out but it seems very obvious to me that she was not saying youd be better as a person if you were born female

junebeetles −  Y’all this is a troll account, check his comment history. “Better than being fake AND gay” on the first post in response to a commenter saying the story was fake and reddit-bait

moonfragment −  Am I crazy?? Is anyone else getting huge red flags from this? Dude she was violently assaulted by a pig and you’re more concerned about your feelings over an obviously exaggerated hyperbole in reaction to more police brutality? And the comment wasn’t even pointed toward you?

You need to re-evaluate your priorities dude, your sense of morality is extremely skewed if you can somehow place being assaulted by a cop and a hyperbolic statement on the same level. I told her that I knew why she’d say those things, but if she needed to say them that she shouldn’t do it with me.

I feel like that was harsh and selfish but I told her I couldn’t deal with generalized statements and I didn’t feel like I could distance them from my own emotions. Aaaand after she told you this difficult thing you still made her out to be the bad guy? Like she was assaulted and is clearly still traumatized it but your ego is too fragile to hear her vent?

You guilted her so hard about it to the point where she cried. Honestly I’m getting some manipulative vibes from this. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I would be challenged and guilted that hard over a hyperbole. It sounds like you thought for several days to put it in a way that would make her feel your pain the most.

Luckily it seemed that she was trying to apologize to me. I had told her I needed some space so when I came back I kind of interrupted her apology and said I needed to say some stuff. I was pretty honest and brutal with her. This raised a red flag to me immediately. It seems like you speak over her a lot and think your feelings are more important than hers.

In your words she was genuinely apologizing and you *interrupted* her to be “honest and brutal with her”. You keep saying in your post that you’ll be there for her no matter what but you’re not, you can’t be there for her if she has to police (pun not intended) the way she speaks/vents, especially comments that she just blurts out in response to *police brutality bringing up her memories of being assaulted by a police officer*.

This is what is wrong with liberalism and the left nowadays. Your feelings being hurt is not the end of the world. This is not how adults deal with things. This is how a hurt child throws a tantrum; they’re hurt and they want everyone to be punished by feeling the same frustration they do. She deserves better. Stay on the break.

that_dirty_Jew −  This is such a classic trope it gets annoying. Woman does or says horrible insensitive thing thats harmful to someone close. Bf, husband, friend. Guy calls her out. Says it’s not right. Her and everyone on reddit dismiss behavior and have absolutely zero accountability for actions because…. Actually bad thing happened, or society is mean, or in past there was unspecified never brought up before vague trauma.

So I’ll throw another classic reddit trope. Let’s switch the genders. If you had been physically or s**ually assaulted by a female in your past would that make it ok for you to go around spouting vitriol hate towards all women.

Telling them they should all be dead. Failed abortions. Trash. Worthless. And what’s more…. Tell the woman you’re dating she’s also garbage nothing that should be dead? That her failing to be a man makes her less than human. If you answer yes or maybe. Date each other.

Sometimes, understanding someone’s pain doesn’t erase the damage their words can cause. Do you think this couple can find their way back to each other, or is this the start of a permanent distance? Share your thoughts below!