How do I (32f) tell my son (5y.o.) that his father isn’t safe to be around alone?

A Reddit user (32F) faces the heartbreaking challenge of explaining to her 5-year-old son why his father, who struggles with alcohol abuse, can no longer spend time alone with him. Striving to protect her son’s innocence while prioritizing his safety, she seeks advice on handling this delicate conversation.

‘ How do I (32f) tell my son (5y.o.) that his father isn’t safe to be around alone?’

So I divorced my sons father. No matter how many times I tried to talk with him, how many times his own family tried or how many chances I gave him, he never tried to change. He won’t admit he has a drinking problem that still persists to this day.

After a horrible mistake that could’ve cost my sons life (drinking and driving) he is no longer allowed to see our son alone. Ever. I have and have had full complete custody of our son since the divorce as the judge deemed him unfit. My ex MIL (God bless this woman) watches my son overnights a couple nights a week and does his schooling (remote learning, she’s a retired teacher).

She used to let her son stay the night there until she woke up to find he’d left the stove on after cooking my son sausages for breakfast. When she went to confront him, he was passed out and smelled of alcohol. He’s now no longer allowed to stay past 8 pm at her house.

My son is so, so very innocent in all of this. He is understandably upset because daddy can’t stay anymore, and I simply don’t know how to tell him why. I don’t want to ruin his relationship with his father (who seems hellbent on doing that himself) but he needs to know SOMETHING to try and understand what’s going on. I plan on getting him a specialized child therapist but with covid right now and him being high risk, I just can’t do it at the moment. So until then, any advice at all would be really appreciated.

Check out how the community responded:

thebedspringking −  tell him that his father is very sick, and because of this he can’t be around now. you’re not lying, and you’re putting his condition in a way a child can understand.

DazzleLove −  Well I was 6 or7 when I worked out for myself about my mum’s drinking and the effect it had on her. So it might be possible to say something along the lines of ‘when daddy drinks his beers he gets silly and forgets how to look after little boys and keeps them safe”

Iamjacksgoldlungs −  As a child of a father who chose drugs and had his mother lie about it, please just be honest. I was told all sorts of stories and made up nonsense about my father. I hated nothing more than finding out later in life I didn’t know him at all when it was too late.. I’ve seen people say he’s sick.

Don’t say he’s sick. Tell your son that while you both love daddy very much, he’s just working on some problems. Dad can’t come back til he gets his problem solved and he’s working real hard. This would at least prevent him from ever asking if he’s still sick when they do interact. This would leave him less worried about his well being and hopefully a more positive outlook towards him

eatthebunnytoo −  I think matter of fact, with non judgmental language, at a level they can understand is usually the best bet. “ Daddy drinks beers and when he does he makes unsafe choices like driving with you in the car or leaving the stove on.” Being vague allows to much room for kids to create brand new scenarios and increase anxiety in my experience. Kids know when someone is messed up, they just don’t have the vocab or experience to verbalize it, and it makes it so much scarier.

[Reddit User] −  I went through this with my son’s father. My son was 3.5 years old at the time and watched his dad get arrested after drunk driving and causing an accident with him in the car. I told my son that sometimes people make bad choices but that doesn’t mean his dad is a bad person. I really emphasized that the *choice* was bad, not the person—because it’s his dad and he doesn’t want to believe his dad is bad. We had supervised visits after that and I put my anger aside to encourage visits that were safe.

My son thought his dad went to jail because he crashed his car so I explained to him that he chose to drink too much beer and then drive, which was a bad choice and not safe. As my son got older, we talked more in depth about it. 12 years later and my son is a well-adjusted teenager who understands the dangers of drugs and alcohol and his dad is very involved and sober.

valley_G −  So, my mom is mentally ill and I have custody of my 6 year old brother. He loves my mom because she’s “fun” and let’s him do whatever he wants, but she’s just not safe for him to be alone with so I’ve had to explain to him that mom’s brain is a little different than his brain. I explained to him that her brain doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to and right now she’s got to get better so she can play with him again.

I don’t know how long it’ll take until she feels better, but in the mean time he can always call her on the phone or video. I explained that she does love him very much and that he’s her favorite little boy in the world, but right now she’s just got to focus on getting better for him. I personally hate my mother to the core because in reality she’s a human pile of s**t, but he doesn’t need to know that. He’ll have his time where he’ll figure out how he feels about her himself when he’s old enough to understand her behavior. For now he just knows she’s sick and trying to get better for him.

nickis84 −  Maybe try contacting Al-anon. They probably have age appropriate responses for this kind of situation.

moxley86 −  Tell him daddy isn’t well and at the moment he can’t be around daddy.

Beneficial_Diamond73 −  I’m not a father. But if I was in your shoes I would say it in away that makes sense for now, since he is 5. What I came up with while reading is saying or telling him his father is silly. And you don’t want to be with silly people because what they do might get you into trouble. I know this sounds silly but this is a technique I have used to explain of some kids to other kids at the school I work at. And whether it is from a teacher or a parent I feel the message may be similar.

[Reddit User] −  I know it may sound trite, but there may be a sesame st clip that could give you some advice. Sesame st never shied away from explaining difficult situations to children, whether it be Mr. Hooper’s death, 9/11, or even understanding from a child’s perspective what autism is.