40 Weeks Pregnant & Reamed out by partner for spending $35

A woman, 40 weeks pregnant and on medical leave, shares how her partner berated her for spending $35 on a drying rack using his credit card. Despite running errands and managing household expenses mostly on her own, she returned the item to avoid further conflict.

Her partner canceled their date night, accused her of having a “shopping habit,” and threatened to withdraw financial support, stressing her out just before giving birth. She feels unsupported and upset at being treated unfairly, especially as she has always contributed her share.

40 Weeks Pregnant & Reamed out by partner for spending $35

My spouse and I split the mortgage and put equal amounts into our down payment. He makes about $45,000 more than I do. We have a shared account for housing purchases but separate personal accounts. I was reluctant to merge our accounts because I feel he can be controlling and didn’t want to have my purchases analyzed.

I buy the majority of the groceries since I drive around the city getting discounts. He also supports his Mom financially. I feel like I spend more money on groceries than he realizes but we’ve never nickel & dimed it. He’s offered and I admit I’ve put it off.

Fast forward to me being 40 weeks pregnant on a medical leave about to have a significantly reduced income. I am also currently stretched financially since I have a condo that was up for sale. It’s been free of tenants and I have been paying that mortgage.

Also, we received mostly EVERYTHING we could’ve ever wanted for our baby from my friend. I also paid for the car seat, change table and nursing chair. My job gifted us an enormous amount of diapers.

NOW: We wanted to put floating shelves in the nursery. I ask to use his credit card. Whilst buying the floating shelves, I used his credit card to buy a $35 laundry drying rack. This is where it all unravels.

I’ve expressed wanting a drying rack in the past (we use ski poles to hang items between doors. I climb a chair to balance these sticks. I am thinking of all the laundry I’ll be doing with a baby and don’t want to be climbing a chair to balance clothing on ski poles). When I expressed wanting to buy one, he said he wants one he can attach to the wall. He’s also expressed it not being a priority at this time since my income is reduced (He makes over 100K).

I had a feeling this purchase would be an issue so all the other errands I did that day I used my own credit card (i.e. filled gas in my car which we share; bought new batteries for our garage door opener ($15); made copies of our house keys since he asked me to ($15); small groceries ($30) since my Mom is staying with us and he gets cranky when “his” food is eaten).

I know I’m being incredibly verbose here but I feel like all these details matter since I truly run myself to my financial limit to avoid his wrath/lectures.

When I got home, he demanded I return it. I did return it but I told him he is controlling. We were supposed to go on a date as a final evening before baby; he cancelled that and told me its the “last time he will be sponsoring my shopping habit”. This comment pushed me over the edge. I am truly so frugal and spend all my own money.

He said I buy things for fun with his credit card. I think I’ve used his credit card a total of 5-10 times in our five year relationship and its been getting groceries for parties with HIS family. I’ve NEVER once used his credit card on anything personal.

32 hours later: he tells me he is buying his own car (to dissociate from needing anything from me, I imagine) and he will “never help me financially again and its up to me to figure out how I am going to finance my mat leave”.

I understand he is stressed and I think his stress comes out in the form of control. He’s also a 40 year old man and needs to learn to deal with stress like any other adult in society. I also feel his response was not so much about the $35 but that I bought something “we don’t need” that was not preapproved.

This time, I refuse to apologize and made it very clear how upset I feel which leads to further escalation.

I’m pissed off because this is the kind of support I receive leading into labour. I’m also pissed off because I feel like there is an assumption by his family and friends that I live off his income since we have a beautiful home in a desirable neighbourhood and he has a significantly higher paying job than me. I’ve never let on that this couldn’t be further from the truth.

UPDATE: Beautiful people of Reddit: Thank you, thank you, thankyou. Even writing this out was cathartic for me. I was not expecting such a reply. Reading your reactions helps me realize how toxic and dysfunctional things are. Lots of you told me to move into my condo – it actually did sell so that’s not a possibility but the profits from that will help me move on. Moreover, I did have my baby. That has been a gift. My Mom has been at our house helping me; though my partner has been a complete dick to her. She is flabbergasted and feels like I need to GTFO and I have been making too many excuses for him as usual (i.e. “post partum anxiety; obsessive compulsive personality disorder, etc”). At the end of the day, I realize holding empathy for someone who doesn’t mirror it back is really not healthy. I did have a conversation with him about our finances and told him what he is doing is financial abuse. Thank you, Reddit community, for illuminating that to me. He did end up buying drying racks that he installed in the wall. He did not apologize for all the drama but expressed wanting those all along and not the one I bought. He also never did buy a car. He does bluff, sometimes; I did not follow up with the car since I did not want to revisit the drama in my post partum state. Some of you suggested, I cut him off from baby right away. This I did not feel okay doing. So far, he has been a very doting Father; in fact, part of his behaviour towards my Mom is being very protective/territorial over our daughter. I can predict this will make separation difficult in the future. I am in conversations with lawyers but also focusing on improving things between us: having a transparent mutual budget and him having to change his reactivity. I don’t see myself waiting around for long; I suppose in my mind, I want to know that not only have I reach the end of my rope but I communicated the need for improvement. To those of you that wrote me personal messages and were worried for my safety : thank you for concern and care. You make me feel so much less alone. Though, he can be a major asshole towards me, I have never felt physically threatened. I can see that he commits financial and emotional abuse but I do feel physically safe in my current situation. I know this is not enough for any relationship. I am not trying to diminish other forms of abuse. Moreover, this is not the model I want for my daughter. I know it needs to change and thank you, Reddit Community, for being a catalyst.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

SarcasticLion says:
I agree with this. It’s only going to get worse as your child needs things and/or art/dance/ music classes. My impression is he doesn’t mind spending money on himself but takes issue when spending it on something else. This can only bring years of hurt and resentment. Strongly consider distancing yourself from him, if not for yourself then to protect your child!

wellversedflame says:
I think this was nearly everyone’s thought:

Do this and file for divorce.

As soon as i read this:

I know I’m being incredibly verbose here but I feel like all these details matter since I truly run myself to my financial limit to avoid his wrath/lectures.

I knew what kind of “man” she is married to.

Many women know what kind of man this is. They vary in their mannerisms but they’re always intentionally ignoring of what you contribute and think because they pay for some things they “rule the roost”. They completely ignore the things you pay for and will sabotage efforts to make any equality in the household.

OP: RUN

roxinmyhead says:
Hell, I’ll help. I can’t even imagine this. My husband is an absent minded prof but a total angel about me doing finances. Never questions anything, which may not be great either bit I couldnt live like OP

wellversedflame says:
IANAL.

The most important thing right now is to physically escape this abusive man. Everything else can be handled with the divorce lawyer. The post is actually 2 weeks out of date. The baby has been born and, on her reply with an update, her husband has been horrible to both her and her visiting mother.

Even if he steals everything, she needs to get out NOW.

34countries says:
This is not a man you want to raise a child with. Move into your condo asap. You have cognitive dissonance because you made excuses for his behavior Alone is better than a controlling man. He’s stressed? No you are the one giving birth. How dare he

reallynah75 says:
OP, this right here^.

My husband is ALL about me purchasing things to make my life easier. And that comment about how he isn’t going to help make your maternity leave easier? How easy was it going to be? You’ll be healing from giving birth, sore in places you didn’t even know you had, still having to take care of hearth and home, AND taking care of 2 babies – the newborn and the grown ass throwing a temper tantrum over a $35 item that means you won’t have to be climbing up and down things to balance poles on top of doors.

Screw him. Since he wants to throw money around as an excuse to be a dick, fine. From now on, you only purchase food for yourself, he wants to eat, he can go grocery shopping for his own food. He can also pay for his gas, dry cleaning and any other item that he needs for his own personal use. He wants to act like he’s the only one with stress while you’re the one running all the errands on top of working on top of being pregnant and about to birth his child? Let him stress some more. And since you’re still paying the mortgage on that condo as well as already supporting yourself financially, why don’t you take yourself, your baby and your mama back to your condo. You know, since you’re doing all of the all alone as it is.

geof2001 says:
Start a gofundme with me this post. What a fucking tool. Move into your condo and change all the locks and have a security bar put in so it can’t be forced. Also let management know he’s not welcome in the building let alone your condo. Leave a. Picture at the front desk. Have a Zelle? I’ll send you $35 right now.

Vintagepeonies says:
You are the victim – it is not your fault. Your spouse and his mother are abusive, manipulative, and controlling. Abusers like him gravitate towards kindhearted, empathetic people like you, specifically because they are easier to abuse. What you’re going through is awful, and unfortunately, common.

Your empathy and kindness are traits to be proud of. It’s okay to turn that empathy and kindness inwards. You deserve to benefit from the same grace and patience your abusive spouse has sapped from you. 💖

If you can’t do it for yourself, try to do it for baby (if that’s not too much pressure, of course!) It’s never to late to learn empathetic self-talk, especially if you want to model it for your child.

Also, while your mom is there helping with baby, are you safe to start emailing divorce lawyers? You need a professional to guide and support you while you are vulnerable.

And once the dust settles, you might benefit from some self-care in the form of therapy.

Your struggle reminds me of my mother, and I wish she had left my father much sooner. She has blossomed since she’s been free, and you deserve the same. 💖