(29F) Boyfriend (31M) Jokes About My Career and Hobbies – How Can I Address It?

A Reddit user (29F) has been in a relationship with her boyfriend (31M) for almost three years, but recent comments from him about her career in marketing and her painting hobby have begun to take a toll on her self-esteem. Despite expressing how his jokes hurt, he dismisses her feelings, claiming she’s too sensitive. She’s seeking advice on how to set boundaries and rebuild her confidence. Read the full story below and share your thoughts on how to address these issues.

‘ (29F) Boyfriend (31M) Jokes About My Career and Hobbies – How Can I Address It?’

I need some advice about my relationship. I’m 29 and have been with my boyfriend, Tom (31M), for almost three years. We live together and things are mostly great—we have fun and support each other. Lately, though, Tom’s jokes about my career and hobbies are really bothering me.

I work in marketing, and I love it. It’s creative and challenging, and I’m good at it. I actually make more money than Tom, who is an engineer, but my job isn’t a dead end. Despite this, Tom often says things like, “At least it’s not real work like what I do,” or “Must be nice to spend your day brainstorming slogans.” He laughs it off like he’s just teasing, but it hurts.

It’s not just my job. I also love painting, a hobby I’ve had since I was a kid. When I show him my paintings, he says things like, “Okay, Picasso,” or “Are you going to sell this for millions now?” always with a sarcastic smile. He knows I’m not trying to be a famous artist, and it feels like he’s mocking something I’m passionate about.

Things get worse when we’re with his friends. Tom exaggerates my work and hobbies to make them sound silly. For example, I once told him about a successful marketing campaign, and he later told his friends that I was “playing with crayons and hoping the adults like them.” His friends laughed, and I felt really embarrassed.

I’ve tried talking to Tom about it. I told him these “jokes” aren’t funny and make me feel like he doesn’t take me seriously. But he just says I’m too sensitive and that he’s just teasing. He even told me to “toughen up” if I can’t handle a little joke. This makes me feel like he looks down on me, which is hurting my self-esteem and our relationship.

Given our communication issues and his constant jokes, I’m looking for specific ways to handle this. Specifically:
1. How can I talk to Tom about my feelings and set boundaries without making things worse?
2. What can I do to rebuild my self-esteem after these comments?

I love Tom and want to make our relationship better, but I’m not sure how to move forward.. # TL;DR: My boyfriend makes fun of my marketing job and painting hobby, making me feel bad. We’ve talked about it, but he doesn’t take it seriously. How can I communicate my feelings and rebuild my self-esteem?. Thanks for your help!

Check out how the community responded:

taphin33 −  He doesn’t even like or respect you, why are you trying to parent a 30 year old man into respecting you? Men like this need to be single. Imagine him telling a hypothetical daughter (or son who cries) the same things when he picks on her for what she likes, because he’s a misogynist at the end of the day, and he projects his poor self esteem onto you and would to your children as well.

verballyabusivecat −  You’ve told him how you feel.. He knows how you feel. He doesn’t care. This guy doesn’t have a comprehension issue. It’s not that he doesn’t understand that he’s hurting your feelings. He knows. He just doesn’t give a s**t, or worse, he likes the fact that he’s hurting your feelings. You wanna build up your self esteem? D**p his ass and date someone who doesn’t find joy in actively b**lying you.

Goodlake −  It’s possible your higher income is making him feel insecure, and this is his way of trying to reclaim the power/status he believes is rightfully his as a man. Just need to call him out on it, say his snipes make him look weak, his inability to moderate his tone makes him seem immature and you question why you’d want to build a relationship with such a fragile dude.

rozery −  You already communicated. He dismissed your feelings because he doesn’t care, he feels emasculated by your success so he makes comments to bring you down and surrounds himself with equally piggish friends to build up his fragile ego.

You rebuild your self esteem by leaving him. Why do you want a better relationship with someone who clearly doesn’t want the same? There are people who will, without being asked, be proud of you and brag about you to others instead of doing the opposite.

happybanana134 −  ‘it feels like he’s mocking something I’m passionate about.’ It feels like that because that is exactly what he’s doing. He is belittling you at every opportunity; you can’t make him respect you. You either accept his s**tty behaviour or walk away, it’s that simple unfortunately. 

gingerlorax −  Jesus christ just break up with him- he doesn’t like you.

automator3000 −  How is it going dating a b**ly who has decided you are his target? Doesn’t seem to be going well. Doesn’t seem like a relationship I would want to be in.

CafeteriaMonitor −  To be honest with you, I think this is a pretty big red flag. To me, this is somebody who does not respect you enough to spend your life with, and who does not see you as an equal. If my wife asked me to stop saying something because it was hurting her feelings or eroding her confidence I would stop immediately and apologize profusely…but she would not have to ask that because I would never be making those sorts of comments in the first place.

How can I talk to Tom about my feelings and set boundaries without making things worse? There are no magic words to make him care about your feelings. You already did the thing that should produce a change. If your bf had come to you and asked you to stop making some comments about him/his work, you would have stopped immediately. He could have done the same, but he insists on minimizing your feelings and continuing to insult you.
What can I do to rebuild my self-esteem after these comments?

You rebuild your self-esteem by refusing to accept having a partner who constantly undermines it. Once you decide that you deserve better than this – even if it means blowing up this relationship – your self worth will bounce back.

jaye-tyler −  I just can’t see how anyone with any love or respect for you would respond to you creating a piece of artwork with “Ok Picasso”. That’s *so* dismissive and mean.

Naibafastro −  If he cared, he would have listened to you. Had a similar situation with my gf (even tho I didn’t joke about her job/hobbie) and once I saw that she was upset about some of my jokes (I may make too many jokes) I stopped those jokes and everything is fine now. It’s really not hard to stop a certain kind of joke if they upset your partner. I’m with the rest, of the comments. Address is it directly and if he doesn’t listen break up.