WIBTAH if I left my fiancee destitute?

A Reddit user finds themselves grappling with a heart-wrenching dilemma after overhearing their fiancée, J, tell a friend that she feels she’s “settling” for them. This revelation sends the user into a tailspin, prompting them to question not just the relationship, but the love and commitment that has defined their time together.

As they sift through J’s messages, they uncover a pattern of thought that deepens their emotional turmoil. Feeling betrayed and hurt, they contemplate a drastic action: leaving J destitute, stripping her of the lifestyle they built together. Read on to see how this emotional conflict unfolds and what advice the community offers.

‘ WIBTAH if I left my fiancee destitute?’

I might not be in the right state of mind, but I had to get this off my chest. Two days ago, I came back from basketball, a little early. I overheard my fiancee (J) tell her friend that she is settling for me. This friend just got out of a relationship.

I don’t know what they were talking about before, but I just heard J saying that after all the assholes she dated, settling for me will be good for her. She then went on to describe my job and and all the perks of being with me. Love is apparently not on the list .Hearing this kinda broke me. I just stood in place dumbfounded.

I don’t even think she even loves me. For context, we live in a beach house (I bought it as a total gut job and renovated it myself) and I have several other properties that are all rented out. I work in property insurance from home and do house flips on the side. I’m satisfied with what I’ve accomplished so far in my life.

All of this was worth mentioning for J, but not how much I loved her. How much time we spent together. Not how I tried to be supportive of her goals and ambitions, how she wanted for nothing. I’m not going to lie, I was in a bad place. Maybe still am. I spent all of last night going though her messages.

I knew her password, I just never looked. Well, it’s a pretty common thing for her to say. Pretty much all her friends know what’s up. J wants a “nice, normal guy” after all the assholes she dated. She wants a drama-free life where she’ll be taken care of.

Every time I read what she really thought about me, it was like another needle was being jammed in my heart. My first reaction was to yell at her and confront her about it. My second reaction was to make her suffer like I am. My dear J, the love of my life, I thought, doesn’t work right now. She quit to be a real estate agent.

I don’t know, maybe she wanted to learn more about real estate, maybe she thought her looks would get her by. She doesn’t work right now. 0. She also live in my house. She decorated it and certainly put her touches on everything, but my name is on the title. Just mine. Her car is technically mine too.

She didn’t qualify for financing on her own, and she just had to have a beamer, so I cosigned it. I can probably make a case that’s my car. We don’t have joint accounts (Thank the Almighy himself, because she did ask), I pay her cards right now. I want to just show her the texts, throw her s**t in garbage bags and put her out on the street. WIBTAH if I did that?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

No_Scarcity8249 −  Nope. NTA. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Fortunately .. you found out before you became even more entangled or married. It seriously sucks and it’ll probably be a while before you can throw her out. You’ll probably have to evict her. A BMW? Really? She’s got expensive taste huh? Well.. guess who shouldn’t settle? You dude. You can do a whole lot better and I seriously doubt she can.

Status-Pattern7539 −  Nta. You aren’t leaving her destitute. Think of it as you leaving her with exactly what she brought into the relationship. You’re not married. You don’t have kids. You saw love and she saw a piggy bank. She didn’t quit her job to try something else. That was her excuse so that she could get you to support her jobless a**.

phdoofus −  Never accept being Mr You’ll Do Until Something Better Comes Along.

tmink0220 −  She lives with you and doesn’t work. She has friends and family and frankly get out from under this dating situation quickly….I would tell her you know what she says to her friends about you and heard her talking to her friend. Never did love come into the conversation once…

That you want to break up and she must leave immediately. I suggest you bring a friend while you do this, and pack her a bag and have her go to family or friends…She can’t say you hit her, or said horrible things to her with a witness.

In the moment she will desperately say anything out of panic and a**ndonment issues. You are dating and don’t need to be so generous with her. We date to choose our partner and you do not want to be hers.

Straysmom −  NTA. You just dodged getting snagged by a money-grubbing con artist. Kick her greedy ass to the curb.

Hot-Border-66 −  NTA. She isn’t settling for you. She’s using you!! And I hate to say it, but she will probably cheat on you if that’s her mindset. Throw her out and keep the beamer as a reminder of a narrowly dodged bullet.

DirtyWritin −  NTA, but do look up eviction laws in your state. In some states, you have to give someone a period of time to find new arrangements. I would consider a lawyer, honestly.

[Reddit User] −  Drop her like a toilet seat

CrabbiestAsp −  NTA. You deserve to be treated like the love of somebody’s life. Kick her to the curb and enjoy your life. I hope you find someone who is amazing and loves you for you!

[Reddit User] −  Okay, let me go against the grain here and say… this doesn’t necessarily have to be it for you two. I understand where you’re coming from. When my wife and I got together, for the first couple years it was a bit of a common understanding that she “settled” for me.

She never said those words, as she’s got more tact than that, but things like early in our dating when an old flame came back into her life and she had to choose between me and him. I was the safe choice. The healthy choice. The reliable choice. It was very clear how she felt about me, and that I was the one who pined for her more than she pined for me.

Buuuuut… it was never that drastic either. We had fun together, we had and still have a regular and enjoyable s** life (damaged a bit by having a toddler, but what can you do). She was always upfront with me and never gave me reason to suspect she couldn’t be trusted.

Then, over the years, we just grew comfortable with each other. Any doubts I had about her disappeared. She really meant it when she said she wanted to settle down with a good guy and start a family. And I’m happy being that good guy. My wife values the things about me that make me a “good guy”.

We’ve been through a lot together. She moved to another country, away from her friends and family, so we could be together. We went through Covid together. I had cancer and she stood by me the whole way through. We had a stillborn and then later had a baby who was extremely premature and had to spend 3 months in the NICU.

We are now partners and best friends, forged by the fires of life. She is the best mother I could have hoped for my son. I love her and she loves me just as much.
I’m not wealthy or well-off either. I don’t know what your fiancée is like, what she wants and whether you could have with her what I have with my wife.

But I do think that the immediate response of the ego may not necessarily be the best for your own long term happiness. What you do with that, I don’t know. You could try talking about it. Or hell, maybe move on and try find someone who doesn’t come with this particular downside.

Have you ever felt unappreciated in a relationship, and how did you handle it? Would you have taken the same drastic measures as the original poster, or is there a better way to address such a situation? Share your thoughts below!