WIBTAH if I cancel my family’s Christmas vacation over hotel accommodations?

A Reddit user contemplates canceling her family’s Christmas vacation due to unresolved issues with hotel accommodations and family dynamics. After her husband, Jake, failed to book separate hotel rooms to accommodate his snoring, he instead booked a suite without doors, which she feels wouldn’t provide the necessary separation for a good night’s sleep.

Compounding the frustration are tensions with her mother-in-law, who has been causing strain in their marriage by making plans without her involvement. With the kids excited about the trip, she’s conflicted about whether canceling would be unfair. Read the original story below for more context.

‘ WIBTAH if I cancel my family’s Christmas vacation over hotel accommodations?’

I (F40s) have been married to Jake (M40s- f**e name) for over 10 years. We have 3 kids under the age of 8. We are supposed to visit my mother in law (MIL) for Christmas. We’ve been talking about this trip since last spring and I’ve said a couple of times that I want 2 separate hotel rooms due to Jake’s snoring. We haven’t slept in the same bed for over 5 years.

For a while, as long as he didn’t drink or smoke and wasn’t sick, Jake wouldn’t snore but he generally wasn’t willing to stick to that for more than a day or two at a time. He’s slowly gained more and more weight, so now he snores no matter what, but drinking/smoking makes it go from loud to deafening.

Well… Jake didn’t book 2 hotel rooms. Instead, Jake booked a suite with 2 bed rooms, but there are no doors (its a nice but quirky hotel we’ve stayed at before.) Jake has a habit of forgetting/delaying things like this and then, at the last moment, he basically twists himself into knots trying to make everyone happy. In reality making no one happy but everyone feels bad for him because he tried to hard so we all just go along with him.

Jake’s current solutions are he and 1-3 of the kids would stay with his mother and I could stay in the suite, or they would go without me. Neither of these are acceptable to me. I want to be with my family for Christmas, and I don’t see the point in going on vacation but not being together.

Jake is pissed at me because he and his mother have talked about booking the suite instead of the 2 rooms while I was in the room, but I wasn’t paying attention because I wasn’t really involved in the conversation. There are also a couple of other issues which are making me less than enthusiastic about this whole trip.

We’d either have to take a connecting flight or spend about $2000 per ticket (our kids are new travelers and so the airport will either be fine or a total disaster), and my MIL has been causing some issues in our marriage (basically Jake and MIL will talk about and plan out things involving our kids or our home, and then not tell me about them until the last minute so I either need to agree or I’m controlling and overly sensitive.)

I wonder if I WBTAH for canceling everything because we’ve already talked to the kids about the trip and they’re excited, Jake is excited to show the kids the place he spent so much time and loved, and we haven’t gone to visit MIL since I first was pregnant.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

pjeans −  ESH. Jake messed up for sure, but he’s offering a lot of ways to make it work and you’re basically saying that you must call the entire thing off with not even a little bit of compromise.

Think about what compromise you can make and offer it. Can you just fly MIL to visit you this year, and try again next year? It would just delay the anticipated vacation but still get a visit with MIL. The kids will be a year older next year which will make flying easier, and it might make Jake realize that he can’t always get bailed out when he goes off-plan.

No_Outcome2321 −  Ywbtah, don’t cancel something that everyone is looking forward to just because you don’t like the accommodations or lack of. Get some earplugs, a portable white noise machine, anything that could help even a little bit. My main question is, has your husband ever been tested for sleep apnea? If he hasn’t he probably should.

[Reddit User] −  INFO. I thought a suite means like a little apartment. So doesn’t this suite have two bedrooms with doors between them?
Also, anyone on this thread who fantasizes about OP being able to sleep with a set of ear plugs and a stupid ass white noise machine is a major and inconsiderate AH. Snorers reach sound levels comparable to road construction. Try sleeping through that.

OPs husband is overweight, drinks and smokes, all of which contribute to his snoring. That is 100% his fault. As the person who’s responsible for their spouse not getting a good night’s sleep in their presence, he should have booked the hotel so that she can sleep separately from him. But as I’ve already said, I’d still like to know about what a suite really is.

EmceeSuzy −  You are NTA, but I think you buried the lede. Jake and his mother decided to book this hotel suite without speaking directly to you. I was unsurprised to learn that there have been other times that your husband has made his mother the decision-maker on occasions when the choice should have been made between Jake and you.

Still, you do not seem to be thinking of ending this marriage and you are going to an extreme. And yes, I did appreciate the fact that Jake has a habit of backing you into a corner with his poor planning/manipulation.

It is September. If the boutique hotel does not have seperate rooms available (and confirm directly please) then surely there is another hotel where you can get two rooms. Make that the compromise – but also have a very serious talk about respect and decision making with him!

camkats −  Cancel the hotel and get a vrbo for your family. Otherwise keep the kids with and let husband stay at moms. Btw his snoring is a huge health risk if it’s been going on this long. Please send him to a sleep study.

RumSoakedChap −  YWBTA to cancel a vacation for your whole family. Sounds like you didn’t really want to go anyway and you’re using this as an excuse TBH.

Flibertygibbert −  Stay in the suite with the kids, he can sleep at MiL’s house and entertain her with his epic snoring.

Snoo1560 −  YWBTA if you canceled the trip when everyone else, especially the kids, are excited to go.

hbombgraphics −  ESH: The lack of basic compromise here is absurd, it’s 3 months till Christmas, you can’t just get another room or change accomodations? There are so many options other than “if I don’t get exactly what I want I will cancel”.

nowaynohowanyway −  Oh FFS OP- you are an a**hole. YTA!!! Unless you are either ridiculously stupid about booking flights or trying to fly to Japan, there is not a flight in the USA that costs $2000 a seat. You’re absurd. That’s what southwest is for. Delta, United, American- all roughly $500 a ticket.

Two- everybody has been planning this trip for over a year and you decide 90 days out to cancel because it’s not convenient? Get outta here
Three- why did you not call the hotel and change the booking to two rooms instead of the suite? If it’s reserved but not paid for, either switch or cancel and go somewhere else. If it’s paid for, have them switch you to two rooms. YTA. You don’t want to go so no one gets to go.