WIBTA if I told someone the truth about why they were being excluded from group activities?

A Redditor is grappling with whether to tell their partner’s cousin the truth about why he’s being excluded from casual family activities. While the cousin is outwardly fun and outgoing, his behavior—often pushy, abrasive, and inconsiderate—has led to growing tension and exclusion from the introverted family group. The cousin has noticed the distancing and reached out for an explanation. Should the Redditor be honest or spare his feelings? Read the full story below.

‘ WIBTA if I told someone the truth about why they were being excluded from group activities?’

A few years ago, I met my partner’s cousin (on his dad’s side) for the first time when he came to visit our city (we live on different coasts). I quickly realized this was the type of person I would never hang out with normally, but I was cordial. My partner acknowledged, “Yeah, Fred’s a lot of fun but he can be a bit much.”

About a year ago we moved to my partner’s hometown and have been spending time with his family here (all on his mother’s side) and his childhood friends. Coincidentally, his cousin moved here also for work and the family welcomed him warmly, eager to spend time with this cousin they didn’t know very well. At first he would be invited to all the things, but over time I noticed he was left out more and more.

My partner would ask, “Hey, where’s Fred?” and people would groan and make faces. Turns out that I’m not the only one that doesn’t like being around him. He was still invited to Thanksgivings and big events like weddings, but casual family get-togethers like a game night or Sunday brunch, people have left him out. And this is a family that does a lot together.

He has noticed and actually messaged me asking if I knew why the family isn’t including him in things. I guess he sees me as another “outsider” so feels a connection. WIBTA if I told him the truth? Because the truth is that most people don’t like his personality. He’s loud, abrasive, pushy, and inconsiderate. If you can him out on any of that, he will just say he’s “fierce” and people need to learn how to deal with it.

He changes the energy of any event he gets invited to. When my partner said he could be “fun” it’s because he will be the one loud one at bar or club, trying to push people to dance, do shots (or dr*gs), or do karaoke, etc. He will loudly criticize you for ordering a menu item or drink that he disapproves of He doesn’t respect other people’s preferences, and like myself, my partner’s family is mainly introverted.

We don’t need to “come out of our shell” and we know what we like or don’t like. We’re not kids (all the adults are in their 40s). An example of when we all went to a museum with grandma and the kids. There was a very cool sculpture that had a rope and a sign around it to keep people from getting too close. He wanted a group selfie and insisted we duck under the rope to get it. None of us were comfortable with that but he kept insisting.

A few of us started to walk away and he called us p**sies. And then he laughed it off cuz he sees that behavior as him being edgey and charming. Last time I was out with him, he sent back his drink order twice because “Sweetheart, this isn’t how I like my old fashioned.” On top of that, he’s often 45+ minutes late to everything.

I don’t know how to answer his question except with the truth: your personality and behavior just doesn’t mesh well with most people and we just don’t enjoy having you around. So WIBTA if I do? Or should I just say that I don’t know.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

DinaFelice −  “I can’t say for sure, but in my observations of you, the things you describe as your ‘fierce’ personality can come off as abrasive. I know you say that people need to ‘learn how to deal with it,’ but many people want to spend time with people who are *easy* to get along with, not people they have to ‘deal with.’ And when people give you feedback on your behaviors, you tend to laugh and either insult them or ignore them.”

NTA, and it would be a kindness if you would give him this feedback gently but *directly*. The indirect approach is obviously lost on him if he’s genuinely asking you why this is happening. Not that I think he will appreciate the feedback…in fact, it seems likely that someone with his personality would lash out and insult you. But even if he lashes out, it could still prompt him to think about what you said the next time he’s in a social situation and people start pulling away from him.

GAB104 −  YWNBTA, but I don’t think it would work out well for you. He’s not going to like the answer, and he’s going to consider that the answer came from the whole family, because you are telling him why they’re making the decisions they are. And then he will be mad at them, probably quite loudly. Plus, you don’t have the right to speak for them. If you want to tell him why you don’t invite him when you host, that is your right but will probably still get you into trouble.

Your best bet here is to say you can’t speak for other people, and he needs to ask the family members who are making these decisions why he is excluded. And then I would give you in-laws a heads up. Really, someone ought to tell him. It would be a kindness. But you shouldn’t speak for other people.

Advanced-Power991 −  YWNBTA he knows full well what the problem is, he just does not want to hear it, this is not going to go well.

shmooboorpoo −  If he’s a “fierce” person then be fierce back. “Because you’re a loud, obnoxious, judgemental a**hole and we enjoy our peace” But I personally have no problem being fierce to people like that. Honestly, this is a no-win situation. He’s reaching out to you because no matter what you say, he’ll spin it to his advantage and play the victim as you aren’t part of the family. Pass this s**t show off to your partner and tell him that it’s his job to handle his family, not yours.

FairyFartDaydreams −  NTA How old is the cousin? I would straight up ask him “Do your want the truth or a polite line?” If he says the truth say “You don’t respect people’s boundaries or their preferences and act like a teen at a frat” if he wants a polite line say ” Your energy does not gel well with some people”.

First-Industry4762 −  I dont know if you would be considered the AH, but I strongly recommend you to tell him to ask his family directly. He may feel like an outsider and he is being excluded, but you’re “only” a partner to him being immediate family. 

If you tell him the reason and he explodes, he will either direct his anger towards you or his family. Or worse, he will tell the family that it was you who told him so that people will feel that it was you who put them on the spot.
You can tell him that you noticed that he was missing the previous get togethers, but to ask some of his immediate family for the reason because you don’t know.

Because the thing is: if Fred is really such a tool as you described, I’ll take the bet that he’s not going to respond well even if you tell him gently and direct.  It’s always the “just being honest” edgelords who get upset at criticism, ironically.

CharmingSamantha −  NTA but tbh it’s not worth it, people like fred usually don’t take feedback well, and it’s just gonna turn into drama, just leave it, saves you the headache.

kmdr −  He will just say…. people need to learn how to deal with it. Well, it seems people are dealing with it

Tangerine_Bouquet −  YWNBTA but he has to already know this. And be defensive and obnoxious about it, because that’s who he is. It’s more reasonable to direct him to ask the person who didn’t invite him to something specific (although it feels cruel to pass the buck to someone you like). You can also be very shrinky about it and ask him what he thinks the reason is.

You can also give very specific examples of the things he has done to ostracize the family (and you). But he won’t change, and will just be angry with you no matter what answer (or non-answer) you give. Sorry. Most families have to deal with a Fred.

Character-Twist-1409 −  I’d say I can’t speak for them. But feel free to tell him how you feel.