WIBTA if I told my husband to commit to a relationship with his kids or to just leave them alone?
A Reddit user faces a difficult situation as her separated husband becomes increasingly distant from their young children, despite promises to co-parent.
Struggling with her daughter’s heartbreak over her father’s absence, the user wonders if it would be wrong to ask him to either commit to being present or step back completely. Read the full story below and see if her dilemma resonates with you.
‘ WIBTA if I told my husband to commit to a relationship with his kids or to just leave them alone?’
My husband and I are currently separated due to an affair he had back in May. He decided to move 1.5 hours away to the location where his mistress lives, but promised he would co-parent with me and that he would never abandon his kids.
At first, he would come and stay with the kids (F3 and M1) for a few hours every few days and FaceTime with my daughter in between (He would call close to bedtime so our son was already asleep).
The visits and FaceTimes got further apart and he currently hasn’t visited since July 9th, has only FaceTimed 3 times with daughter and hasn’t asked about his son at all. He hasn’t even texted to ask how they are and he doesn’t seem interested when I text him pictures beyond a heart reaction.
He hasn’t contributed anything financially either, but I don’t want his money. My children love their dad and I’m not trying to punish him but I am at the end of my rope with this behavior. It’s been more than a week since he called last.
My daughter started bawling tonight begging to talk to her dad so I texted him to ask if he could call. He told me he just got to a 4 day music festival and couldn’t talk and won’t be able to until Monday.
I didn’t tell her why he couldn’t talk, I just said “I’m sorry baby, daddy is busy”. Her response was “He doesn’t love me anymore”. She’s 3. So, WIBTA if I told my husband to commit to seeing/talking to them regularly or to just stay absent?
I want nothing more than for my kids to have a relationship with their dad but he clearly hasn’t made them a priority. I don’t want to be a “bitter baby mamma” or a “jaded ex-wife” but I want to advocate for the relationship they deserve.
Heres the input from the Reddit crowd:
Top-Sympathy7731 − NTA, but you need to get legal involved otherwise this will simply become an emotional and mental drain on you trying to get him involved. You should also consider the possibility of him taking out his frustrations of the kids being “forced” on him on the kids themselves.
jamwarn − NTA. But You need a schedule. Kids do well with a routine. You’re not even coparenting. You are parenting and he is just coming and going as he pleases and that leaves you to pick up the pieces he leaves behind.
Co-parenting takes both sides commitment to the betterment of the children. That is not happening in your case. Frankly you’re being too kind imo. I don’t think he wants to not be involved, but he doesn’t deserve the free reign you’re giving him now. Tell him you’re going to hire an attorney to get things moving so then he will have a legal obligation to the children.
CalligrapherFair3678 − So heartbreaking that your daughter thinks her father doesnt love her. She and your son deserve better.. NTA.
weirdcrabdog − ESH. Get a divorce, get child support. I understand the whole prideful “I don’t want his money” stuff for YOU, but you have two very young children, if you’re good without the money open a savings account for THEM so when they’re old enough they’ll at least have something positive from their father.
Look, this man’s an a**hole. He’s gonna live the single life for a while, but he’s probably not smart enough not to end up having more children, and once he does your kids will get screwed over further. Get court-mandated child support and figure out visitation before he gets any ideas about using the kids as bargaining chips against you, get s**t done while everything is in your favor.
apeapina − Your children have the RIGHT To a legal arrangement.
[Reddit User] − ESH. You would be the a**hole to make the choice without going all the legal routes first.. Get child support set up.. Ask for actual visitation. He is an a**hole for not calling his kids.
Confident-Bluejay883 − NTA. You aren’t co parenting. Not even close. You should have a serious, calm conversation with him explaining how this is impacting your daughter and that he will be a distant memory, or a stranger who calls once in awhile to your son if this continues. If he doesn’t show interest, ask him to relinquish parental rights. Your kids would be better off
Chance-Lavishness947 − NTA but it’s time to get a formalised agreement via court. You may not want his money but it’s not for you, it’s for your kids. If you don’t need it for their living expenses, put it in savings/ investments for them.
He needs to be held accountable or he’ll pop in and out of their lives perpetually and that creates a lot of issues. He’s clearly enjoying the freedom of not having daily responsibilities and isn’t considering your children’s needs and feelings.
If he’s not going to show up consistently, it’s better to have an arrangement to see them a handful of times each year so they know who he is and see how he is. When they get to early adolescence they will either idealise him or blame themselves for him not being around.
Maintaining limited contact mitigates that significantly. He’s clearly not going to be the loving and involved dad they deserve, which really sucks, but he doesn’t get to just opt out without consequence
[Reddit User] − you need a lawyer
MorphogeneticGrid − I think you’ve got the right idea. My mother never planned for my father to be involved in my life, but he insisted, and wrote and visited irregularly when I was little. When I was ten, I stopped hearing from him.
That has seriously messed with my ability to process relationships, and for a long time I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for him anymore, how I had let him down. It didn’t matter that my mother told me he was the problem, not me; I was sure I had to be the one doing something wrong.
It took decades for me to finally figure out that he was the one who let me down, and I’m still pretty dented inside. I don’t think it’s wrong to say “if you’re going to parent, you do so consistently. If not, you know where the door is.”
You’re doing this for your kids, for the daughter who already thinks her dad doesn’t care anymore, and the son you want to keep from ever feeling that way. But since you can’t *make* him stick around consistently, if you want to give him another chance, I do suggest speaking with a therapist about how to approach it with your kids if he continues to stand them up.
And make it clear early that if he doesn’t hold up his end of the bargain, he’s done, because your kids deserve better. I don’t know how the legalities come into play so I won’t comment there, but for the basic concept, YWNBTA. Good luck. <3
Is it fair for the mother to demand consistency from her husband for the sake of the kids, or should she continue to wait for him to prioritize them on his own? How would you handle such a difficult co-parenting situation? Share your thoughts below!