WIBTA if I told my ex’s mom why we really broke up?

A non-binary person (39) is considering telling their ex’s mom the truth about their breakup after feeling unfairly blamed. Their relationship of 10 years ended due to multiple betrayals: the ex cheated during a breakup, withheld information about STDs, and emotionally invested in others while neglecting the relationship.

When the ex told his mom the breakup was just due to fighting, the user felt it was another way to avoid accountability. Now, they wonder if revealing the truth to his mom (in a respectful way) would be justified.

‘ WIBTA if I told my ex’s mom why we really broke up?’

I’m a 39-year-old nb, and my partner of 10 years, who is M 35, broke up with me yesterday.  Backstory: When we first got together, I was polyamorous, and he wanted to be monogamous. I was okay with this arrangement, and for years, our relationship was filled with laughter and care.

However, things started to get tough when he was laid off from work. He didn’t communicate this possibility, fair, but this is the beginning of a pattern. He felt shame, and broke up with me for a few months thinking his unhappiness was due to us.  I took him back & paid for him to go to coding boot camp and covered most of our expenses.

He then got a good paying job he likes. The dynamic changed again when I lost my job, which I loved, as my father was dying. I took on a new, demanding job with a t**ic boss, which sent me into a depression. We had started trying to get pregnant, and during routine tests, I discovered I had chlamydia.

Confused, I found out he had slept with someone else during our breakup. I was upset he didn’t get tested or treated before we resumed having unprotected s**. His lack of transparency hurt deeply. He took a trip to another city and confessed he flirted and danced/grinded with a girl. I felt insecure.

I asked him to work on making me feel safe, instead he began focusing on my shortcomings, particularly how my depression made me a less attentive partner and housemate. We went to couples counseling, where he would rant about my shortcomings nearly the entire session, without my insecurity ever being addressed.

I later discovered he had continued to message the girl he flirted with, and even went to her place after promising not to spend time with her. He also met IRL a longtime internet friend who seemed indifferent towards me, but was very intense about him.

He wanted to visit her without me, so I expressed my concerns about their relationship, but he reassured me they were just friends. Months after the trip, I found out he and his friend had held hands, kissed, and had been chatting about dating ever since.

When I asked him to stop communicating with her until we resolved things with our counselor, he initially agreed. However, in the middle of the night, he broke up with me, claiming he hadn’t been happy for a long time and wasn’t sure if he still loved me.

Back to now: he told his mom we were breaking up because he didn’t like how we fought.I’m hurt and furious, it’s one more twist of the knife. Once again he’s lying to try to shift the blame onto me and avoid accountability.  So WIBTA if I told his mom the truth (in a non detailed way)?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

JessStarlite −  INFO: You two are not together anymore. I hope you have no intention of taking him back, because he’s a crappy partner. Why does it matter what he told his own family? What would you gain from telling her otherwise, other than making him (rightfully) look like crap?

Unlucky-Clock5230 −  If she asks, and if getting this off your chest will make you feel better, by all means go for it. This is your experience you are choosing to share. You are under no obligation to keep it to yourself.. NTA.

Peony-Pony −  Why? His mother has nothing to do with her 35 year old son’s relationship or why it ended. It’s something a teenaged girl in high school would do. I understand you feel betrayed and hurt but at the end of the day you’re not teenagers.

Soon_trvl4evr −  NTA You can tell her as much of the truth that makes you feel comfortable. You don’t need to protect him or prove anything to anyone else.

SnoopyisCute −  YWNBTA. But, there is no point in telling his mom anything. She will either not care or already knows about his infidelity personality.You will ALWAYS be the one blamed because cheaters can’t take responsibility.

Motor-Excitement2324 −  S**ew it be petty if you want, I don’t care if it’s his family or not. As long as you tell the truth, .don’t be upset or worried. He needs to own his truth, even if he doesn’t want too. But then walk away

Sea-Tea-4130 −  NTA-being lied about or mischaracterized is not a good feeling so it’s ok to set the record straight.

DecemberViolet1984 −  NTA, I’m a little curious how you know what he told his mom? I’m in agreement with a few others that it’s unnecessary to seek his mother out for the soul purpose of telling her the real reason you broke up.

To what end? It likely won’t make you feel any better or bring you the closure you’re hoping for. I’d suggest you make this as clean a break as you can and block him. Switch your couples therapy to individual counseling and start the business of moving on.

OwningLiberals −  NTA. You should tell your side of the story to his mom.
Understand that if she doesn’t want to hear it or doesn’t believe you then you aren’t an a**hole but don’t press it further.

QueenKiely97 −  I still get annoyed I didn’t tell my ex’s mom he did coke and cheated on me. She was a B**CH I would have loved to be the one to tell her, her perfect little boy turning out just like his AH father who left her.

If being petty helps you heal just send her screenshot of this post and say your so sorry you won’t be in her life anymore, that’s she’s a great woman, you thought she’d be your mother in law one day! and you wanted her to understand why things had to end. Wish her the very best in life and then move on. 🥰

Should they tell the ex’s mom, or let it go? Share your thoughts below!