WIBTA If I told my brother’s girlfriend that my mom is not her mom?

A Reddit user (24F) is frustrated with her brother’s girlfriend (21F) for overstepping boundaries with their mom, claiming ownership over their relationship and intruding on family dynamics.

From calling her mom “Mama” to inserting herself into their private traditions and interactions, the girlfriend’s behavior is starting to cause tension. The user is now wondering if it’s wrong to address these issues directly or if it would make her the “bad guy” in this family situation. Read on to find out how this conflict is unfolding.

‘ WIBTA If I told my brother’s girlfriend that my mom is not her mom?’

My brother (21M) has a girlfriend (21F) who is starting to get on a lot of my (24F) family’s nerves for different reasons. They’ve been together for almost 4 years. The most prevalent issue to me is the ownership she seems to feel over my mom. My mom and I have always been really close, like insanely close.

My brother’s girlfriend acts like she is jealous of that and is trying to have that same relationship with my mom. For one thing, she calls my mom, “Mama.” She claims that she couldn’t say her name when her and my brother first got together.

She also claims that she came up with the term “mama,” because I called my mom “mom.” I had long called my mom, “Mama” and that was even her name in my phone but now when I say the term I am accused of copying my brother’s girlfriend.

However, I don’t think she should even be calling her that, because she’s not her mom. I shouldn’t be having to compete over what I’m allowed to call my own mom. Secondly, she is acting like she knows my mom more than I do. I moved 2.5 hours away for a year.

Now I visited at least every other weekend and sometimes stayed for days on end. I talked to my mom on the phone every single day for hours and hours and hours. Now, my brother’s girlfriend is claiming that I was gone for a year and that she has gotten to know my mom better than I do.

My mom and I actually got into a very small argument one morning and I was like “why are you being mean?” My brother’s girlfriend jumped in and said, “She’s always like that, you’ll get used to it.” I was livid. How is she going to get involved in my argument with my own mom and pretend she knows what she’s like and I don’t?

She also invites herself to things my mom and I do alone. She puts herself into my mom and I’d traditions. Things my brother has never been apart of. She also comes over when my brother’s working and my mom and I are left to babysit her.

She even physically gets between my mom and I at times. Also, she oversteps her boundaries at my mom’s house. She was eating groceries as my mom was putting them away instead of helping her clean up.

She answers my mom’s phone out of her own pocket! I feel like I’m getting to my boiling point and I think I either need to say something to her or my brother. I don’t want to have to compete with my brother’s girlfriend for my own mom.

Check out how the community responded:

laughinglovinglivid −  INFO: has your mother actually expressed that any of these things annoy her, or do you just have a problem with it all? Your mother needs to have a conversation with her if it’s bothering her, but it’s not your place to.

Brainjacker −  INFO: what is your mom doing during all of this? Is she allowing gf to physically get between you, *answer her phone*, and not responding to any of her weird comments?

She’s an adult with agency so it sounds like if she isn’t saying anything she’s ok with it – and if not, it’s on her to speak up. It’s also on you to speak up – use your words if you have an issue. Getting worked up in this way is unnecessary. 

Foreign_Plan_5256 −  ESH and your whole family could use some counseling. Your brother’s girlfriend is being creepy. She may not realize it if she grew up in a dysfunctional family system. She’s also been around long enough that I can understand why she feels like part of the family.

But also no one is setting boundaries so she knows differently. Your brother is being unreasonable. If he left because all your Dad did was ask for quiet, that’s messed up. He doesn’t get to rule the family by threatening his absence unless y’all let him get away with that.

Your Mom is being unreasonable about setting boundaries. She needs to start pushing back on the things that bother her, and decide how she wants to respond. After all, you don’t really “have” your brother to lose if he’ll walk away over things like “do not answer my phone.”

And while I understand why you are pissed off, if you go off in anger it is only going to blow up into drama. Think about the flip side – would you want your brother to date someone who hated you guys and didn’t want to be around you?

That said, you can set your own boundaries. If she comes over without your brother, you & your Mom can both leave the house and go somewhere else. You can ask her to come back later. If your Mom won’t leave, you can.

Invite your Mom to do something (a museum, lunch in a restaurant, whatever), and if the girlfriend tries to barge in stick with “No, this is a thing for just my Mom and me. Sorry.” . Good luck. 

Adventurous-travel1 −  When she chimes in tell her you didn’t ask for her opinion and that one year away doesn’t change all the years of being family and mother/daughter.

When she invites herself tell her no it’s only mother/daughter or family. Talk with your mom as until she says something y. It won’t change. She needs to put a stop to it or you will be the bad guy.

xtine254 −  And if y‘all hurt your brother‘s little feelings he will burst into a flame and 💀???. Nta

MissNikiL −  ESH. It’s really frickin’ weird. Your brother is holding the family emotionally hostage by acting like an unhappy child when he and his girlfriend are called out? Fine. He can take that energy and eff right off. Mom is afraid brother will drop out of your lives if she says something about this incredibly disturbing behavior?

She’s coming over when not invited and being rude? Literally getting between you and your mom? WTAF. Why are your parents letting her get away with this? Change the locks. Tell her No and mean it.. Or. Every time she opens her mouth, ask her if she’s ok.

Ask her if she’s having issues at home. Ask her if she has seen a doctor. Ask her if she sees a therapist. “She’s just like that. You get used to it.” “OMG. Are you ok? Why would you say something like that?”

Miserable_Dentist_70 −  Why don’t you say something to your mom? This is her relationship with your brother’s girlfriend, it really isn’t your job to get in the middle of it. Taking this kind of step is going to make you look like the jealous one. YWBTA, honestly your mom needs to handle her own relationships, this isn’t your place.

MobileRub1606 −  I think you are NTA for being upset. It does seem like odd behavior. Not that spouses or SO can’t be close to someone else’s parents, just to the degree you describe, it seems odd.

Anywho, I am not one to give good advice on the next part. I’d physically lay hands on someone trying to insert themselves as my mom’s child. I’m also an only child so, lol.

Repulsive_Category36 −  YWNBTA. I think your mom needs to just specify that you are doing a “mom and daughter” day or “mother daughter” time. You could make a certain day of the week for you and your mom and just let her know y’all won’t be available.

You guys don’t have to be mean or even super blunt, though I would push your mother to voice some boundaries about coming over all the time and the “mama” thing needs to be shut down.

For that, if she says you copied her, just straight up say that you’ve been her daughter for x amount of years and mama started way before she came. These habits need to be stopped because she is sounding like a long term gf/future wife and she will get worse.

I also think if she or you try to talk to her about this, your brother needs to be there so she can’t change what you actually said. Plan what you are trying to get through beforehand. I also would record the conversation. If not, I’d write a note…but talk is definitely better.

I am very close to my mom and I was very nervous that my brother would find someone like your brother’s gf. She’s not but I completely understand where you are coming from.

I’m very protective of my relationship with my mom. That being said, my mom wouldn’t put up with it for 1 minute. Maybe remind your mom that she’s afraid of losing your brother but that you are also being pushed away.. Good luck.

Chilling_Storm −  What does your mother think about it? If your mother isn’t bothered by it, then ywbta if you say something.

Do you think the user is right to feel territorial over her relationship with her mom, or is she overreacting to her brother’s girlfriend’s actions? How would you handle this situation if you were in her shoes? Share your thoughts below!