WIBTA if I tell siblings how much I spend on mom?

A Redditor who contributes significantly to their mom’s finances is feeling frustrated after two siblings indirectly implied they should also take responsibility for buying their mom a new stove. The user wonders if they would be in the wrong to share an itemized list of their contributions with their siblings to clarify the financial load they’re already carrying. However, they worry this might inadvertently embarrass their mom. Read the full story below and weigh in!

‘ WIBTA if I tell siblings how much I spend on mom?’

 

A Redditor finds themselves caught in a challenging family dynamic as one of five siblings. As the middle child, they’re already paying 75% of their mother’s bills. Two weeks ago, sibling A casually mentioned that their mom’s stove was broken.

Then, over Thanksgiving, sibling B brought it up again, saying, “You know Mom needs a new stove,” without directly suggesting how to address the issue. The problem? No one is offering to chip in, and the burden seems to fall solely on the poster.

Now, they’re considering giving their siblings an itemized list of what they’re already covering for their mom. While this could highlight how much responsibility they’ve taken on, they’re worried it might humiliate their mother.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

tinyd71 −  An itemised list might be a good start to a conversation about how things have been working, are working, and might work moving forwards. Was there some agreement that you’d pay the majority of the bills? Are you seeking to change that arrangement with your siblings? YWNBTA if you gave them a list with an intention (a change, that they start paying a share, that communication improve….)

Squinky75 −  You can just say mom doesn’t have the money so why don’t we split it? And if they get crabby, then say, I already pay for a lot of things.

mlc885 −  INFO. What’s the money situation here? Anyone would be annoyed by that, but if you wish to help your mother and you are the only person who can then making this a fight *would* be pointless if your mother learned about the fight.

opinionated-grouch −  I don’t think providing the exact amount of what you spend on your mom will encourage them to do more. If anything they might just assume you’ll take care of it because you do so much already. Instead, maybe try something like “I can put x amount towards a new stove if you all want to chip in for the rest.” Or “I really can’t spend anything above what I’m spending already, can you all go in on a new stove?”

Whether or not it would humiliate your mom I can’t answer without knowing her. But I don’t think it’s the most effective way to make your point. NTA for wanting your siblings to help more.

TemptingPenguin369 −  INFO: What’s the money situation here? Do any of you live with your mother? Have you discussed with your siblings the amount needed to support your mother, or made any agreement about what each should/can contribute?

Girl_with_no_Swag −  Omg. This reminds me of last Thanksgiving at my in laws.

Sibling D “hey, let’s all chip in and get mom a new stove. I know a guy (out of state) that will drive over and install it. I’ll pay him for the install.”

Sibling B “what’s wrong with her stove”

Sibling D “it’s just dirty. Like, it has some baked on grease”

Sibling C “let me know how much, I’ll Venmo you”

Sibling B “why don’t we just …clean it”

Sibling D “ewe! But it’s old”

Sibling B “it’s only 10 year old”

Sibling D “why are you so cheap?”

Sibling B “it’s not broken! We can just clean it!”

Sibling D “no if you try to clean it, mom will come try to help and she needs to relax”

Sibling B “there are cleaning services that will come do it”

Sibling D “Dad doesn’t like work people coming in the house”

Sibling B “but an appliance installer from out of state can come in the house? And you know there are plenty of appliance installers in this state…that don’t have to drive 5 hours to get here”

Sibling D “but they are strangers”

Sibling B “does dad know your guy?”. Sibling D “no, but I know him”

Sibling A “whatever you guys decide”

Sibling B “I’m not paying hundreds of dollars to replace something that’s not broken when mom hasn’t even asked for it.”

Sibling C “just pay the money to make sibling D happy”

Sibling B “no. A gift for mom should be something that makes mom happy, not something that makes Sibling D happy.” (Me, and the wives of Siblings A and C are furiously group texting…)

Technical_Flight6270 −  UWNBTA Sounds like the 5 of you might need to get on the same page and communicate wants and expectations. You guys most likely don’t all have the same obligations, resources, and or even willingness, but without communication and agreeing on what could work resentments will begin.

Sounds like you might be feeling a little taken for granted right now (I know I would be) and that can lead to problems between family that would definitely negatively affect your mom.

I wouldn’t start with an itemized list I think that could set a negative tone, to me this shouldn’t be a one time conversation so creating one is not a bad idea, and you could always let them know you have one if they were interested in seeing it.

I would make one for a variety of reasons but especially adding more people it would provide accurate information so that no one can overestimate or underestimate how much people contribute. Good luck money talk can be a high stress topic, but it’s a necessary part of life! You’ve been doing the majority of the heavy lifting sounds like a talk is over due.

Jessabelle517 −  You’re an awesome daughter to step up to help your mother BUT they need to help also. Maybe not itemize every single thing just say I pay XX a month, every single month to help her thrive and have a comfortable living situation. I cannot cover everything plus my own expenses all the time, I can pay 20% on a new appliance but you all can split the 80% to cover the rest.

It’s Christmas time make it a joint gift. My 80 year old Aunt wanted nothing for her birthday last week. Her kids do nothing for her, her siblings do nothing for her, I heard my brother mention she needed a few new small appliances because hers were all old (before I was born old)

and lived to their last years SO I spent some of my money I had saved for my kids Christmas gifts on her appliances to help her with what she needed, I will *hopefully* get some OT to make up for it but I always give more than I get in return, and her kids just s**k.

that_was_way_harsh −  NTA, but I don’t know that it’s necessary to itemize. “I can’t afford to buy a new stove on top of what I’m already paying for her rent and bills. Are you volunteering?”

HildursFarm −  Why don’t you send a group text saying “hey guys mom’s stove is broken and she could use a new one, I found this one that’s decent and not too expensive, everyone’s share would be $$$, do you think we could have this done for her by (insert date here)?”

What do you think? Would showing their siblings a breakdown of expenses be a fair way to set boundaries, or would it risk causing unnecessary embarrassment? How would you handle this situation if you were in their shoes? Share your thoughts below!