WIBTA if I tell my MIL (70f) that she has cancer 3rd stage?

A person’s husband (a doctor) discovered that his 70-year-old mother has stage 3 cancer but decided not to tell her or their family until after a religious trip in two months.

The spouse believes that the family, especially the mother, deserves to know immediately, but her husband insists it’s not her place to interfere. She now wonders if telling her MIL would be meddling. read the original story below…

‘ WIBTA if I tell my MIL (70f) that she has cancer 3rd stage?’

My MIL had some health issues and refused to continue with more scans and tests after suspected symptoms of a mass a year ago, fast forward to a week ago she had more symptoms and decided to have them checked out, for context my husband (38m) is a Doctor so he got the test results and found out that her tumor has metastasized, she doesn’t know or his brother or his father,

I found out so I was talking to him about the options only to find out that he has decided that he will not inform anyone until they (he and his mom) come back from a religious trip in two months,

I was completely shocked and told him that was not his decision to make, there are other people involved and should make the decision with him, he replied that it’s non of my business and I shouldn’t meddle in his family’s affairs

I feel that even if she decides that she won’t make any decisions about her health condition until she comes back from her trip, she should know, her husband should know and her other son, so am I meddling? AITA for even considering to tell them?

See what others had to share with OP:

ResoluteMuse −  First of all, how is your husband accessing personal medical information?!? MIL presumably has access to those same results. That is her choice to obtain that information and use it as she sees fit. I also do not agree with his withholding, but that is my own bias of always wanting all the facts.

He knows his mother best, she trusts him and without more info, I can only assume she won’t pursue treatment anyways, so what’s the point of ruining this trip..

Editing judgement here to ESH: Your husband for telling you his mother’s medical information which is not his news to share. You for wanting to also share medical information that is not yours to share . Your MIL for being willfully blind to her own health.

Far_Dependent_8975 −  INFO I don’t understand, even if your husband is a doctor, his mother should have been the one to receive the results, that’s a breach of trust.

My father keep having test recently but the results are always given to him through an appointment with the specialist in charge of him, never through call, mail or post… How TH did he end up with HER results instead of her ?!

author124 −  Weirdly, gonna go with ESH. Your husband should not be keeping his mom’s medical information from her. He’s biased and is using the power of his position to be in control of the situation.

That being said, he’s not the only AH here because you should not be the one to drop this information on not only your MIL but also her family members. Your husband shouldn’t have even told you before telling her. The person who should find out first is MIL, and anyone else who finds out after that should be based on her choosing and timing.

Kris82868 −  I don’t get it. If she went for a test is she not going to expect results? Wouldn’t the doctor who ordered the test be getting back to her before 2 months (especially if it is something that needs to be dealt with?) Is your husband the one who ordered the test? If so wouldn’t she ask about it?

Fearless_Spring5611 −  Your husband is massively breaking his ethical code in a number of ways here. Your MiL needs to have those results and discussions with her medical providers.

However if you are not her medical provider it is not your place to tell her second- or third-hand her diagnosis, because you are not the one in possession of the information, facts and holistic view on her health. You can strongly encourage her to ask her medical team directly though.

It’s a difficult one to make a judgement on. Within the confines of the rules I have to say that YWBTA because you do not have the knowledge to tell her such a diagnosis, and in turn you haven’t got that from her medical team. However your husband is a total AH.

WelfordNelferd −  It’s wildly unethical for your husband to withhold this information (*and* to tell you the results, for that matter), he knows that, and you could tell him just that. Hopefully, he’ll come to his (professional) senses and do the right thing.

You WNBTA to tell your MIL, but shouldn’t even be put in that position. Perhaps you could encourage her to press your husband for the test results from the standpoint of general concern, without letting on that you already know?

Shot-Wrap-9252 −  Your husband should lose his license.

YouthNAsia63 −  Sooo your husband doesn’t like his mother? That he would take away her option to do anything about her *already metastasized cancer* before she comes home from a trip in *two months*? She might decide to come home earlier, religious trip-or not. If she knew. But he isn’t even giving her that option.

And your husband is discussing all this with you. I am guessing wherever you live you don’t have medical privacy laws like we do in the USA. Because this would violates the hell out that. OP, if you ever get cancer do you think you could count on your husband to even let you know?

How about his associates, would they also go along with keeping you in the dark? For, (not your), convenience? If you can contact your MIL, you should. If she wants to stick her head in the sand, well, she can deny deny deny -*after* SOMEBODY tells her what is going on with her condition.

And let the chips fall where they may. Your husband is unilaterally making decisions for other people and it’s not right. NTA

Goalie_LAX_21093 −  YWBTA to tell, but your husband is a bigger AH for not telling. I’m honestly SHOCKED about this. My mother went from being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer to dying in less than 3 months. Time is NOT on your side when it comes to cancer.

SerBawbag −  You sure it’s not stage 4? Stage 3 tends to be advanced locilised spread (local nodes and tissues etc), which can be extensive too. Metastasized usually means distant spread. Though blood cancers are staged differently for obvious reasons.

Anyway, if she’s of sound mind, she has every right to know. If she isn’t, then her son would need something we call in the UK “guardianship”, that extends to making medical decisions on the patient’s behalf. If she’s in sound mind, no one should be deciding her treatment, no one. Not even her son.

Cancer treatment ain’t no walk in the park, and only the person who is recieving that treatment should get to decide. Legally, he should be telling her and allowing her to make an informed decision either way. Family members who think they know best are the worst of the worst.

My wife went through b**ast cancer, stage 3, two years ago, and at no point did i pressure her either way. Her treatment worked, but she along with the treating doctors were the people making the decisions. Her post treatment includes things like tamoxifen and other stuff like bone infusions.

That increases her chance of non-reoccurrence to around 8%. Again, only she can decide if that 8% is worth it. Even if it was 50/50, it would still be her choice. My opinion matters not one jot. after all, i’m not the person taking the post treatment.

Is it overstepping to reveal this medical information, or should the family know sooner? What would you do? Share your thoughts below!