WIBTA if I refused to go gluten-free for my boyfriend

A Reddit user is contemplating whether they would be in the wrong for refusing to adopt a completely gluten-free diet for their gluten-intolerant boyfriend. Despite maintaining a careful separation of glutenous and gluten-free foods during visits, the boyfriend insists that their future shared household must be entirely gluten-free to avoid contamination.

This has led to a disagreement over personal food choices and dietary restrictions. Read the full story below to see how the debate over shared dietary preferences unfolded.

‘ WIBTA if I refused to go gluten-free for my boyfriend?’

My boyfriend, let’s call him Jerry, is gluten intolerant. Jerry has severe digestive pain and problems if he consumes any gluten, though very slight contamination is generally ok. His family, who he lives with, eats glutenous foods all the time and he seems to have no problem with that.

Right now we are long distance, but we have visited each other a few times a year. I am not gluten intolerant. I love eating bread, cake, cereal, noodles and other glutenous foods. My culture’s dishes contain A LOT of gluten. I have ZERO expectation that he eat any of this.

When I visited I kept any glutenous foods separate from anything he would eat. All of that food was separately packaged and I thoroughly cleaned any utensils and dishes I used. I didn’t use anything that couldn’t be washed or thrown away when handling glutenous food. Recently, we were discussing potentially moving in together.

Jerry said we would both have a gluten free diet. I said that I didn’t agree to that and want to continue eating my favorite foods. He got upset and said that contamination was a concern, so he wanted an entirely gluten-free household.

I told him that I would adhere to strict cleaning and separation, but I wanted to be able to keep eating what I liked, and it’s unfair to expect me to adhere to his dietary restrictions, especially if there have been no problems with me eating gluten when visiting or with his parents eating gluten. I also took issue with him just deciding what I would be eating for the rest of my life without even discussing it with me first.

That being said, I could be TA. I know that dietary restrictions can be very serious, as well as allergies. I have already given up banana-scented products due to him being allergic to them. So, WIBTA if I refused to go gluten-free for the rest of my life?

Edit: Also, might be pertinent that he terms it as “torture” to see me eating the foods he can’t

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Something-bothersome −  NTA. A complete GF household and diet is a considerable commitment. It also has a considerable impact on the grocery budget which I’m assuming you will be sharing? For a non GF person, the changes in grain used for bread (as an example) has both taste and texture differences, and at least where I live can be almost double the cost.

Other items like bread rolls, croissants, flat breads, Turkish bread, and other bread products are also different from standard products in regard to taste, cost and there is a reduction in availability.

Baking with GF flours takes some getting used to and some favourite recipes are difficult to adapt. Bakery goods or sweets are pretty much out unless you visit a GF bakery. Did I mention cost? Other items like pasta/noodles or breakfast cereals are limited in selection.

Take away like fish and chips, cooked chickens if they are stuffed are difficult or limited to source. It really does go on. Is it possible? Absolutely! Would I do it by choice if it wasn’t necessary or if I didn’t particularly want to? No!. But also, did I mention the cost?

Edit: I saw your edit so I will add: sometimes with things like this it is necessary to go through a process of acceptance of reality to adjust to managing a health problem. That does not involve making everyone around you submit to your limitations when they do not have the same health concern.

Managing your health is a personal responsibility, you can’t expect your coworkers, family, friends and children to undertake the specialist processes, however you can expect them to assist to a reasonable degree so you are included or provide the necessary environment for you to manage yourself. This can include cleaning appropriately so your shared kitchen is safe to prepare food or booking a restaurant where you have options….

puntacana24 −  NTA – You don’t have to adhere to his dietary restrictions if they don’t apply to you. He says hd couldn’t live in a household that isn’t gluten-free, but he seems to be doing just fine with his parents.

huesodelacabeza −  NTA, my girlfriend has coeliac disease (so more serious than an intolerance as it affects her immune system if she eats gluten). She does most of the cooking (her choice) and while she’ll share some GF alternatives with me, for the most part, she’s just more careful with cleaning surfaces/utensils if i’m having something with Gluten in it. A lot of GF foods are expensive and/or taste weird too.

Comfortable–Box −  He’s gluten intolerant not allergic. His family eat gluten and he has no problem being around it when his family consume it, but he’s upset that you might consume it. Honey, he’s not concerned about his wellbeing, he’s trying to control you. You have been super considerate and he won’t even listen to you. NTA.

RoyallyOakie −  NTA…thankfully you’re having this discussion before moving in together. This already sounds controlling. Hold your ground. 

wheelartist −  NTA, Speaking as someone who is celiac. While a lot of the meals cooked in my home are default GF, I don’t demand all gluten food be barred, we just take precautions if we’re having a pizza night or ordering takeaway which includes gluten for my friend.

AllTitsSomeArse −  Mate. It’s not about cross contamination. It’s about control. He didn’t ask you. He told you. You’re not compatible long term. Go get a bf who eats bread. NTA

Comfortable-Sea-2454 −  NTA. That being said, I could be TA. I know that dietary restrictions can be very serious, as well as allergies. I have already given up banana-scented products due to him being allergic to them. So, WIBTA if I refused to go gluten-free for the rest of my life?

Massive red flag that he tried to make a unilateral decision that YOU would give up gluten when moving in without any form of discussion. Pretty sure means your relationship is over unless he decides to be less rigid in his stance on gluten. OP, make this your hill to die on. If he does this with gluten God only knows what will be next.

aj_alva −  Nta.  You have shown that you are willing to change for the sake of his health (cutting out his allergens).  But now he is telling you to alter your diet based on what’s most convenient for him. (If you get rid of the things you enjoy, he can eat anything in the house to his hearts content without any concern or extra steps).

 Allergies and food intolerance s**k. But his body/health is his to care for and maintain.  A normal person would be taking time to accommodate both diets in the home – not trying to amp up your cleaning routine or change your whole lifestyle to fit into the false reality he is trying to create in your shared space.

Rare-Development3411 −  My mother was gluten intolerant for most of my childhood. We ate gluten free pasta with her. But we also ate regular pizza and she made her own.
I don’t believe that he needs to be worried about contamination at all. That’s for celiac disease. He just cannot tolerate gluten in his GI tract.

Trace amounts won’t affect anything I guarantee you. So his dietary restriction just isn’t that serious.NTA, But for a moment, imagine rarely sharing a meal with your partner. I think you can manage to eat some gluten free spaghetti with him sometimes. Gluten free alternatives are about the same price.

But gluten free donuts??! Those suckers are EXPENSIVE and there’s 0 reason you should be eating those. You should have a regular donut while he has the GF one.
But his expectation that you never eat gluten makes him TA 100%.

Is it reasonable for the Redditor to continue eating gluten in a shared home with her boyfriend, or should she compromise given his intolerance? How would you navigate dietary restrictions in a relationship, especially when one person has strong cultural ties to certain foods? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!