WIBTA if I played “Another One Bites the Dust” at my brother’s wake?

A grieving sibling is contemplating playing Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” at their brother’s wake to honor his humor and personality, which leaned toward the morbid and lighthearted. While it reflects the person he was, the Catholic, traditional setup of the funeral might clash with the idea. Read the full story below:

‘ WIBTA if I played “Another One Bites the Dust” at my brother’s wake?’

My brother died. He was an incredible, funny guy, I miss him like I lost one of my limbs. Maybe it’s stupid, but I want people to remember the person he was. My dad and aunts have been involved in planning his funeral and they have been planning a very Catholic funeral service.

He wasn’t Catholic and wouldn’t like the very expensive casket, the flowers, the church with a lot of people he didn’t know there. He’d think it’s way too fancy, way too much. He and I had m**bid discussions a lot (side effect of me being a goth teenager, I guess).

He told me he wanted to be cremated and his ashes thrown into a ceiling fan while “It’s Raining Men” played in the background…obviously not an option….Also, together we made up a funny funeral playlist, including songs like “Highway to Hell” and “Another One Bites the Dust.”

To remember him, I want to bring a speaker and play “Another One Bites the Dust” at his wake. I would explain it to the people at the wake and say that I wanted to preserve the person he was. Maybe I could give a speech, or tell the story and explain how he saw death with humor, not sadness.

There will be a lot of extended, older family members there who weren’t very familiar with him and are Catholic, so I’ve been thinking maybe not. But I really want to preserve his memory as he was, not what people think he should have been. I think my cousins and sister would get a kick out of it.. WIBTA?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Aesael_Eiralol −  I was in a very similar situation with my brother a few years ago, and I would unfortunately have to say YWBTA if you did this. It’s great that you want to keep your brother’s memory alive in the way that you talked about, but the funeral isn’t just for or even about him it’s for all your family and friends, and doing this may rub some of them the wrong way.

If you want to honor your brother’s memory like this, maybe plan your own smaller party/service with people you know would also enjoy remembering him in that way.. I hate having to give this verdict, because the fan full of ashes while playing “it’s raining men” is one of my new favorite things.. ​

EDIT: Wow, not sure I’ve ever had a comment here blow up like this. Just to add some context: My sister in law(brothers wife) stopped talking to my family for a few months over songs that my mom insisted be played at my brothers funeral. Similar to OP, we were raised religious but drifted away from the church as we got older.

My mom wanted to add songs with overt religious themes, which my SIL said my brother wouldn’t like. I wasn’t close enough with my brother to know one way or another what he would have wanted, so I said nothing. I just wanted to convey I think people should generally try to keep the main service as respectful of everyone in attendance as possible, you can still have your own event afterwards to honor the dead your/their way.

EDIT 2: To be clear I wouldn’t call OP an a**hole, but they could very well be seen as one by people who don’t appreciate the gesture. I love the idea of an irreverent ceremony for my death, but my family is largely conservative and I wouldn’t want to make it any more difficult for them to grieve by making it all about what I want.

[Reddit User] −  As much as I’m on board with this. People grieve differently and imposing this on everyone without their consent would make you the a**hole.
But broach the topic with those closest to him and see if they understand your feelings.

MalsPrettyBonnet −  I’m so, so sorry for your loss. That being said, it might be better to have a slightly more private celebration of his life with friends and family members that would be amused.

MyAskRedditAcct −  Man, what a great AITA post. There’s a real moral conflict here. Ultimately, NAH. Funerals are for the living. Of course the intent is to honor the deceased, but they’re… ya know, deceased. They get nothing out of it. They exist solely for the benefit of those left behind.

You celebrating his memory may make it hard for someone else who finds it distasteful. That doesn’t mean their need to mourn in a way that brings comfort to them supersedes yours, but it does mean a) that some may view you as the a**hole and b) you may ruin the experience for them during an already difficult time.

So no one’s *the* a**hole, but it may be better to do a smaller gathering for more like-minded individuals in addition to the main funeral service where you can really giving him the send off he deserves. I remember my uncle’s funeral feeling really odd and frankly isolating, but getting drunk with my family at the hotel later and remembering him properly did help make up for it.

Freedoms-path −  YWBTA- your parent deserves to grieve for the loss of their child how every they feel comfortable. You should have your own wake for your brother with friends that would understand. What you want to do would be a screwup on massive scale that you and your parents relationship may never recover from.

Paxtez −  NAH. At first I was thinking Y.T.A, since funerals / wakes are mostly for the living. But, I think with a speech and a story about dark humor, like “he wanted this song to be played.. <play song “, that could be funny and sweet.

I could see one issue (sorry if sensitive or whatever, and totally not asking), if his death was self-inflicted. I could totally see people taking it selfishly like “*he* did this to *us* and then wants to make jokes??”

[Reddit User] −  NTA if that’s what he wanted he should get it. It obviously sounds like he isn’t getting the funeral he wanted. But prepare for the backlash. I would tell people before going through with it.

nyorifamiliarspirit −  NAH if you accompany it with a speech about your brother and the conversations you had about this.

Dead_before_dessert −  NTA as long as you frame it correctly and provide all the required context so people unfamiliar with the backstory don’t think you’re being disrespectful of him and your family. Once context is there, anyone who doesn’t like it can sod off.. I’m sorry for your loss. 🙁

sometimesnowing −  YWNBTA – the way you described it, doing a speech, talking about your brother and your relationship, playing another one bites the dust, all sound lovely to me. Everyone’s comments here about how a funeral is for the living without acknowledging *you* are the living.

You are his sibling which is an incredibly important relationship and this funeral is about helping you say goodbye also. Have a chat to your dad and see what he thinks, your grief is likely a priority for him and he may be open to incorporating some of your ideas.

He may just be trying to get through this incredibly difficult time in one piece however and not see the song as a fitting tribute. So sorry for your loss OP, however you remember your brother (at his funeral or a private wake/party for friends) I hope you get the support you need during this difficult time.

Would playing the song be a meaningful tribute to the brother’s personality, or is it disrespectful given the setting? Share your perspective below!